Cracked Archive - News
Look, we get it. Those Gilmore Girls aren't going to binge-watch themselves. That's why we quickly summarized the most ridiculous recent news stories.
Trying to keep up with the news is like trying to assemble a jigsaw puzzle with half the pieces gone and the rest coated in sewage.
Look, we get it. The news outlets are like rival howler monkey gangs cruising for mates.
Look, we get it. You're way too busy roaming the streets trying to catch Pokemon with your cellphone to catch the news. We're here to help.
There's a reason there's no such thing as C-SPAN and chill.
We've got your morning reading covered.
Following the news can be like eating ramen with a straw -- it's way too much work and a little nauseating after a while.
Sadly, the thoughtlessly simple version of polling we carry around in our brains is not how it truly works.
- By E. Reid Ross
The news often reads like the third movie in a superhero franchise -- the one that always has way too many villains and subplots.
Sixty years is a long time for North and South Korea to think up less deadly but far more insane ways to screw with one another.
- By Mark Oliver
The news is a crusade to see if we can still be shocked despite having the same ridiculous insanity happen every other day.
The news can seem like one long advertisement for never going outside.
The news media is the crying baby seated next to you on the 12-hour plane ride of life.
Excessive exposure to news media can burn out the circuits in your brain that allow you to give a shit.
The news media is primarily a delivery system for anxiety and impotent rage.
The news can sound like a bar full of drunk strangers all loudly trying to tell you about the worst thing that ever happened to them.