Cracked Archive - News
Just when you think you've got the news media matrix figured out, somebody reboots it.
Keeping up with meaningful news stories is like trying to follow a pre-dawn Twitter rant. No reasonable person can be expected to make sense of it all.
Keeping up with meaningful news stories is like trying to find an M&M in a Skittles factory.
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We can't promise that any of these fascinating facts will save your life -- or, for that matter, be of any practical use whatsoever.
Keeping up with the news is like shopping at a big box store. It's busy, it's confusing, and there's just so much of everything.
The news is like the endless, vaguely terrifying disclaimers at the end of a prescription drug commercial.
The weekly news cycle is like a giant box of Conversation Hearts -- some of it makes sense, but the rest is indecipherable garbage.
The people who concocted this theory should be ashamed for wasting a perfectly good name like 'Pizzagate.'
This week we rolled out our weekly news feature like the good SuperBowl ads -- a few at a time, spread out over time.
The weekly news cycle is like a Shia LaBeouf performance piece.
The causes of our terrible health care system are pretty obvious, but for some reason, nobody has figured out how to make them go away.
- By Jim Avery
No reasonable person can stay sane keeping up with every headline, which is why we're doing it for you.
Keeping up with the news is like trying to build pyramids out of sand.