35 Days Later, Officers Figure Out The Starbucks Thing Wasn't A Tampon

 

Fewer than half of crimes are reported in this country, and then fewer than half of those crimes are solved. Thankfully, there's at least one pressing mystery that America's police have been able to put to rest. Last month, a 36-year-old off-duty LAPD police officer alleged that he found a tampon in his Starbucks Frappucino. This decidedly awful take on a "Bloody Mary" was but one of many recent fast-food-based attacks against our beloved boys and girls in blue who have also had to suffer through "funny-smelling milkshakes" and a McDonald's order which took too long. Here is the tampon assault in question:

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But, after an investigation by the police, we now know this wasn't a tampon at all. It was apparently a cleaning cloth the barista scooped into the drink by mistake. Now some of you might be thinking, "No duh. Anyone who thought that wad of paper was a tampon either has never seen a tampon or has had so many tampons dunked into their drinks that the mere sight of a foreign object within their coffee triggered some sort of PTSD (Post-Tampon Stress Disorder)."  Either explanation is possible, but what is a little harder to understand is why this was an investigation at all.

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Seriously, they spent 35 days on this. Granted, maybe Scooby and the gang were busy for 34 days before they could rush over and help the police crack this one wide open, but why spend even a single day on this? We've all had fast food mishaps. A couple of months ago, I found a rubber glove tip in a burrito I ordered. It was disgusting, but I didn't call the police and tell them, "this fast-food worker has a vendetta against dorky white guys named Dan." I called the restaurant, told them what happened, got my money back, and then gave the rest of the burrito to my roommate like an adult.   

I get that being served a tampon or a blended napkin or whatever is really gross, but this guy is a goddamn cop. Isn't there supposed to be some toughness involved? If this were Lethal Weapon and Riggs came back to the station saying, "Ewww, there's something icky in my frap," he'd be double roasted like the coffee he was holding. Instead, here was the statement from the LAPD Union at the outset of the incident:

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"This disgusting assault on a police officer was carried out by someone with hatred in their heart and who lacks human decency. We hope they are publicly exposed, fired, arrested, and prosecuted for their cowardly and repugnant actions."

You'd think they were describing a Bond villain. But maybe he is. Maybe this Starbucks employee is part of fast food SPECTRE along with noted evildoers like the Hamburglar and Papa John. Even if this employee did blend this napkin of doom into this officer's drink on purpose, there's still no point to investigate because there's almost no way to prove that employee negligence is malicious.

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Do you know how I know? Because Breonna Taylor was killed by police officers four months ago, but investigations into the officer and administrative actions surrounding her death are still ongoing. You see, her incidence report was left almost entirely blank, (They did list her injuries as "none" despite fatally shooting her) but maybe those officers were just incompetent rather than clearly staging a cover-up.

The Police Union complains about lacking resources but then spends 35 days on a Frappuccino. They call for the prosecution and arrest of a fast-food worker who made an icky drink, then protect police officers that actually kill people. Maybe it's about time the police take out the tampons that are clearly lodged into their brains and put a stop to this. Period.

Support Dan on Twitter and he will talk about his life with you in lieu of getting a therapist.

Top Image: Pixabay/ YouTube

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