Cracked Archive - Music

Tales To Tell 'Round Midnight: Flight Of The Witchmonster Dragon's Head

It's like if... something and... something else... were combined... to make a third thing?


A Pledge to Conan From the Fans Who Got Him Into This Mess

Somewhere in the bundle of shame-amnesia that was early adulthood, I also forgot about Conan. Oh, I knew he existed, and I would speak fondly about his show if somebody brought it up. But I didn\'t watch it; not for years. Much as motherfuckers did with Dre, most of us forgot about Conan.


Editing Your Comment Spam for Optimal Porn Delivery

If I\'m going to go to all this effort to amaze/gravely irritate people, I\'ll be damned if I\'m going to let some amateur balls up my comments section with their hastily written endorsements for meeting tall women.


The 6 Most Baffling Video Genres on YouTube

There are millions of videos on YouTube, but if you look closely (and I wouldn\'t recommend it) you'll notice there are only like twenty different types of them.


5 Amazing New Experimental Drugs I Just Took: A Review

I\'m the resident Alternative Lifestyle Specialist around here (which is what I keep asking my boss to call me instead of \'drug-addled wreck of a human being,\') so when new pharmaceutical trends sweep through the United States like Daniel Larusso\'s leg, it\'s up to me to cover them.


Tales To Tell 'Round Midnight: The Egg Haunt

It's like Goosebumps, only for adults and kind of about Easter.


Twice-Translated Tales of the Super Friends

The Super Friends had to deal with a lot of problems. They had to fight crime without actual violence on the screen, one of them was a bucket of water, six of them didn\'t wear pants and the non-Caucasian ones were so clumsily written that they seemed like animatronics from a racist pizza parlor.


6 Albums By Rock Legends That Were Thinly Veiled 'F#@k You's

In an industry where recording artists are constantly forced to grab their ankles, these guys did it with a smile on their faces.


Hollywood Has Reached a New Low (And It Is Awesome)

Friends and Lovers, I have amazing news. According to \'The Hollywood Reporter\', Warner Brothers is planning on making an action-adventure movie \'based\' on Leonardo da Vinci called \'Leonardo da Vinci and the Soldiers of Forever.\' As much as I hate to admit it, I did not make up that awesome, totally rad title. That\'s what the treatment is act


Why Crimes Would Never Get Solved at a TV Police Station

\'We all work best alone at this station,\'Cheesesteak replied, his mouth full of fatness and tongue \'but it\'s procedure. Every straight man needs a wacky partner, and vice versa. And I tell you what: It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't count how many times Sergeant Philly\'s saved my ass.\' \'Philly and Cheesesteak?\'Rock b


The 7 Most Horrifying Things Found in the Homes of 'Hoarders'

We'd barf, but we're scared these hoarders would try to keep it.


'I hate cancer patients': John Mayer is Too Candid (Again)

MAYER: You never see pictures of women having sex with dozens of robots at once any more.


How to Social Network for Women on Valentine's Day

How was I to find such a thing in this work-a-day world? A bar? Those aren\'t open at this hour. A pottery class? I’m already an expert potter. The bank? That\'s barely a suggestion. A fourth thing? Now I\'m just going too far. Which is how I came to find myself back on Friendster ...


8 Romantic Songs You Didn't Know Were About Rape

There are some love songs hidden away in the folds of the Billboard Top 40 that seem to be about the kind of love you have in an alley with the assistance of an ether soaked rag.