Cracked Archive - Music

Why Crimes Would Never Get Solved at a TV Police Station

\'We all work best alone at this station,\'Cheesesteak replied, his mouth full of fatness and tongue \'but it\'s procedure. Every straight man needs a wacky partner, and vice versa. And I tell you what: It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't count how many times Sergeant Philly\'s saved my ass.\' \'Philly and Cheesesteak?\'Rock b

By Robert Brockway
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March 10, 2010

The 7 Most Horrifying Things Found in the Homes of 'Hoarders'

We'd barf, but we're scared these hoarders would try to keep it.

By Ian Fortey
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March 08, 2010

'I hate cancer patients': John Mayer is Too Candid (Again)

MAYER: You never see pictures of women having sex with dozens of robots at once any more.

By Chris Bucholz
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February 16, 2010

How to Social Network for Women on Valentine's Day

How was I to find such a thing in this work-a-day world? A bar? Those aren\'t open at this hour. A pottery class? I’m already an expert potter. The bank? That\'s barely a suggestion. A fourth thing? Now I\'m just going too far. Which is how I came to find myself back on Friendster ...

By Cody Johnston
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February 14, 2010

8 Romantic Songs You Didn't Know Were About Rape

There are some love songs hidden away in the folds of the Billboard Top 40 that seem to be about the kind of love you have in an alley with the assistance of an ether soaked rag.

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By Ian Fortey
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February 13, 2010

The 6 Most Aggressively Ridiculous Benders in Modern History

Here are the confused, bewildered, most certainly arrested souls that gave birth to our most majestic of benders...

By Robert Brockway
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February 10, 2010

7 Insane Ways Music Affects The Body (According to Science)

Turns out music does more than just show the world you're a terrible dancer.

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By Anthony Jurado
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February 07, 2010

The Most Powerful Man in the World: The Voice in Your GPS

Turn left in five hundred feet. Open the glove box and remove the gun. Kill!

By Chris Bucholz
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February 02, 2010

5 Of New Columnist Ian Fortey's Finest Cracked Articles

By Ian Fortey
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February 01, 2010

Why Conan O'Brien Should Write for the Internet

Don\'t just go to Fox and do a late show with them, it\'ll just be more of the same. The internet is the last wild west this world has. Help us fill it with dick jokes.

By Daniel O'Brien
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January 22, 2010

Complaints to Domino's That They Didn't Put in Their Ad

My friend and I ordered a pepperoni classic today and when it arrived we found it to be incredibly chewy. Like it was made out of condoms. Was it made out of condoms?