Songs Even Dumber Than The Fringe Groups Performing Them
Music has always been a valuable tool for making an important statement to a wide audience. Why, it was folksy protest music (and folksy protest music alone!) that stopped the Vietnam War ... at least according to folksy protest musicians. But when you're writing music with a message, the music is only as valuable as that message. And if that message is "I'm having Batboy's moon-baby" levels of crazy? Well, you might find them on this here list...
Anti-GMO Music Is A Discography Of Awkward '70s and '80s Song Covers
Here's an anti-GMO cover of the Village People's "Y.M.C.A." starring everybody's dad:
When he's not busy creeping out the office intern with quips about what he'd do if he were "20 years younger," Dana Lyons must spend his spare time studying bioengineering, as evidenced by his lyrics:
In the tomato
A little human
In the rice that we sow
Really make a pig grow
And we'll make tons of money
Scary shit, no doubt. His alarming predictions lose some of their weight, however, when you realize that said "flounder" is actually a gene that increases resistance to frost, while the "human" is an enzyme found in breast milk that fights bacteria. Sadly, the mouse-pig thing is an attempt to lower the toxicity of pig poop, making it considerably less adorable than it sounds.
If you thought Lyons' dancing was squirm-inducing, we have three words for you: Pantsless grape costume.
Here's three more: No, no, no.
And once he starts getting overly suggestive with the carrots ...
... you'll find that, much as if you'd eaten one of those GMO Piranhapples Lyons tried to warn you about, you have become suddenly and ferociously infertile. There's also "Don't Eat It" by Swami G, a tone-deaf cover of Michael Jackson's "Beat It" featuring an alternate-reality MJ dunked in a vat of lard and sapped of all perceivable talent:
It doesn't take long for shit to get real, as hippies and Evil Suits reenact the one-armed knife fight from the original music video. With corn!
We have a different suggestion for where they can stick those.
It doesn't seem too dangerous until you remember that this is GMO corn, so a single nick would doubtlessly cause you to grow corn-silk tentacles. Meanwhile, a scientist whose hairstyle makes us think he's maybe not an actual scientist injects some nearby vegetables with his nefarious GMO juice:
"I'VE SET THE SCIENCING TO FULL EVIL! PREPARING MAXIMUM DOSE OF MURDERTRONS FOR INJECTION!"
Our heroes proceed to snack on the tainted food, which kills them and resurrects them as twitching zombies, thereby establishing that GMO-hating hippies have precisely zero respect for the King of Pop's catalog.
"You've been hit by, you've been struck by, a bad video."
Furries Doing Pop Covers
The "Larger Than Life" music video from Eurofurence 2014 (no, we didn't make that up) kicks off with a singing, dancing dog-man's minimally convincing jaw mechanism flapping along to the verses as his eyes follow you wherever you go. Wherever. You go.
Even into your dreams. Tonight.
Then, boom! Stripper pole leopard-lady!
Wait, this might actually just be a Miley Cyrus GIF.
If that doesn't float your boat, maybe this furrified version of "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)", inevitably titled "All The Single Furries":
Three dogs re-create the famous Beyonce video, wearing S&M neck collars and hopelessly furring up the lyrics with stuff like, "If you like it then you shoulda put a leash on it."
We'd rather not see their Lemonade.
Of course, not everyone digs Top 40 standards. For those whose tastes lean more toward Viking Death Metal, there's this Amon Amarth cover:
Finally, you can merge your twin loves of hardcore metal with hardcore dry-humping a person in a rabbit costume.
The lightning is actually static buildup from yiffing.
The Anti-Chemtrails Ballads
Got ten minutes to kill? Well, that time could suffer no crueler death than if you burned it listening to this lady sing about chemtrails:
But they need every one of those minutes, because Violet Sky has a message to get out, by God, and that message is, uh ... we're not sure? Maybe that airplanes are crop-dusting us all with mind-control juice ...
"Right there! See? You know, the thing that literally thousands of people see every day?"
Or perhaps the message is "the sky's not all that."
Then there's "Chemtrail Cowboy" ...
Wherein a reanimated skeleton sings a cheery country song about his day job: Thinning the population by spraying government poison on us.
Hey, Zelda enemies gotta make a living somehow.
9/11 Truth You Can Dance To
YouTuber and overall general lunatic ScootleRoyale wishes to inform you that "9/11 Was An Inside Job" the best way he knows how: Via a bouncy electro ditty juxtaposed with images of the twin towers collapsing and people horrifically dying:
What good is a tragedy if you can't dance to it?
We have no joke here, other than the fact that this was made.
Then there's "9/11's A Lie" by the Free Bees, a surprisingly competent cover of the Bee Gees' disco classic "Stayin' Alive":
Despite what it says in the description, please do not share this "like STD."
In this reimagined version, the Bee Gees don't prowl the New York City disco scene on the hunt for strange with feathered hair and a thing for gold chains, but instead stalk a blasted hellscape, searching for the truth about 9/11, but only finding soul.
Plus the feathered hair.
The Middle-Aged Dad-Rock Anti-Vaxx Quartet
Hey, you know what's not great? Smallpox. Smallpox is very much not great. According to one fringe rock band, however, it's at least better than the alternative:
The Refusers are a cadre of middle-aged anti-vaxxers who look more like trendy accountants than activist rockers, with the obvious exception of their drummer, a teenage boy through whom one of the dads is clearly living vicariously. In "First Do No Harm", the future soundtrack to Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey's tearful make-up sex, the band attempts to expose the evils of Big Pharma while simultaneously concealing the fact that they are the sonic equivalent of the color beige.
The video follows the story of a bald dude who takes a break from being a middling bassist to get himself immunized -- right in the goddamn head!
"So ... any chance my hair will come back after this?"
This transforms him into some kind of hypodermic needle-themed Cenobite who spends the rest of the video stalkin' babies. Here's what a med school graduate looks like in The Refusers' night terrors:
He's like a human Gatling gun loaded up with autism.
Scientology Advertises Via '90s Style Music Videos
The Church of Scientology wields a disturbing amount of power: They control their own naval fleet, they hold sway over a veritable swarm of celebrities, they retain a vast subterranean hive of presumably undead lawyers, and -- scariest of all -- they have their own '90s music video.
"We Stand Tall" is Scientology's answer to the classic church hymn, a bouncy synth tune accompanied by so many rictus-grinning Scientologists that at first you wonder if you're watching an infomercial for feminine hygiene products. Things take a sinister turn when the camera pans up from a candlelit vigil to reveal a gigantic S projected into the sky, as if Gotham were in dire need of an overly litigious cult.
"Look, it's the Bat (shit crazy) Signal!"
The choir providing the vocals (joined by Scientology leader David Miscavige himself) is more '90s than a Hammer-dancing ninja on a skateboard:
"We are the world! We are the thetans!"
And because Scientology without celebrities is like Catholicism without shame, there's a shot of John Travolta at a cake-cutting crudely plopped into the middle of the video.
"A cake? Aw, you guys really are my best acquaintances!"
But the real money shot here is the split-second inside view of what we must assume is some top-secret Scientology gathering, complete with a Van Halen-worthy laser show and a ginormous "DIANETICS" sign lowering into a motherfucking onstage volcano.
Carman Makes Religious Music Look (Even More) Insane
In his epic western "Satan Bite The Dust," Carman plays a lantern-jawed, Bible-toting, Jersey-accented cowboy.
He rides into town to banish Satan himself via a hail of hot lead, as prophesied in the book of Doom, verse E1M1.
"Come out! Don't make me use the BFG (Big Faithful Gospel)!"
Carman stalks around a bar full of demons with all the menace of a Christian camp counselor who's discovered a copy of Harry Potter in someone's sleeping bag, taking out the demonic personifications of greed, alcoholism, and false religion, which is represented by ... um, a hideous and clearly Muslim gremlin, complete with turban.
"IN THE NAME OF JESUS, STOP BEING A FOREIGNER!"
Carman even blasts the ever-loving shit out of the Devil with an actual gun, because "Thou shalt not kill" isn't, like, a blanket statement or anything.
"God's cool if it's a 666 shooter."
In "A Witch's Invitation," Carman receives -- get this -- an invitation from a witch, who wishes to challenge him to a good old-fashioned faith-off:
After some trepidation (a thoroughly unfamiliar feeling for Carman, we're guessing), our hero decides to take the witch up on his offer. The witch's house is every cheesy cable TV haunted house ever, overflowing with occult paraphernalia such as pentagrams, Ouija boards and, horror of horrors, Dungeons & Dragons.
"Ampersands are the devil's punctuation!"
After nearly succumbing to self-doubt, Carman manages to overcome the villainous geek by telling him how he'll one day be snacked upon by Ghostbusters-era special effects.
"Who ya gonna call?! Christ. That's who."
Mr. Moot The Superhero/Rapper/Flat-Earther
Earth is not a globe; it's a celestial Pog slammed into existence by God a few thousand years ago. If we haven't convinced you, then perhaps the musical stylings of Mr. Moot will.
Clad in white spandex beneath chromed armor, and armed with a plastic "FAITH" shield guaranteed to protect your virginity at all costs, Mr. Moot is the Captain America for an America that only exists in Breitbart.com editorials.
He's the hero that Flat Earth deserves.
Mr. Moot's "Watchman" is a cover of Drake's "Jumpman," except with lyrical themes of flat-earth lunacy (as opposed to the regular lunacy of Drake's version).
Say what you will about his musical ability; you cannot deny this man's commitment. He doesn't shy away from the rising hoot after each line, instead approaching it with an off-key ferocity that, combined with his Dark Knight Rises-esque vocoder, will give any cat within hearing distance a hankering for some wounded feline nookie.
We can't give him the same E for Effort when it comes to the "video" itself, however. Consisting of little more than a still photo of our hero bouncing across the screen, it looks like what would happen if Iron Man banged the Virgin Mary and she gave birth to a PowerPoint presentation.
In that analogy, MS Paint is the Messiah's uncle.
On the more technically impressive end of Mr. Moot's playlist is his epic rap battle against an atheist played by an alien from They Live, because subtlety is the second thing to go when you lose your mind (the first is modesty):
The atheist spews scientific evidence like a straw man with a remedial grasp of linguistics, while Mr. Moot responds with "you're going to hell" in various ways that only succeed in convincing us that the lost eleventh commandment was "Thou shalt only rhyme if it is physically painful."
Wait, "Codes" and "Hoax?" Is this an Insane Clown Posse thing?
Mr. Moot wins, of course. Because Mr. Moot has come here to chew bubblegum and kick atheist ass, and he used all his bubblegum to make that lumpy cross on his mask.
Tall, Dork, and Handsome. Kyle Mulholland is an Irish journalist who wants you to follow him on Twitter @Kyler_Murden.
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