Cracked Archive - Celebrities

My Doomed Attempt to Woo Sandra Bullock

It's Valentine's Day, the first heartbeat of spring. I am a strong advocate of any holiday that puts pretense aside and encourages celebrators to trade pricey gifts for sexual favors. When affection can be measured in real currency, I always win because my love is deep and so are my pockets.

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Why Bill Murray Is The World's Greatest Mythological Figure

Bill Murray has become the urban equivalent of Bigfoot -- a mythical figure who generates sightings anywhere people are too drunk to totally trust their memory. Instead of being half-human, half-ape, Bill Murray exists somewhere between celebrities and the rest of us.

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50 Cent Attempts to Scam You On Twitter

Yeah, that was a bigger job than we thought. You gots to owe me $8200. Don't make me shoot U. You woudn't like me when I shoot you.

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Dear Gwyneth Paltrow: Understanding Why Everyone Hates You

You have taken some heat lately from the press for your website, for your spontaneous music career, and for just generally being you. I imagine your self-confidence is a little shaken and that you would gladly wish it all away, if only you knew how wishing for things worked.

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5 Reasons Anyone Could Defeat the CIA in the Bourne Trilogy

You can inject new life into virtually any film or franchise by watching it again, only this time rooting for the bad guys. Really think through the scenario from their angle, and try to break down how they go about taking on the hero. More often than not, you'll find yourself scratching your head, or outright screaming at the screen.

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The 5 Most Shocking Celebrity Twitter Feeds

Thanks to Twitter, for the first time in the history of ever, we have a one-way ferry boat ride into the inner thoughts of living celebrities, as they think them.

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The 7 Most Random Celebrity Duos Who Hung Out Before Fame

Fame makes a lot of strange bedfellows. Some would prefer you to remember their connections, like Peter Scolari with Tom Hanks. Others would rather you didn't bring it up, like Tom Hanks with Peter Scolari. And there are still others who started out together that you would've never even thought of.

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7 Celebrity Movie Deaths We Enjoyed Way Too Much

The success of magazines like People, Star and Us Weekly isn't predicated on how interested humanity is in Blake Lively's new dress, the issues sell because dental patients and grocery shoppers want to see if Blake Lively has caught on fire yet.

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What If Randy Quaid Isn't Insane?

In case you weren't aware, actor Randy Quaid has lost his marbles and thinks people are trying to murder him.

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Experimenting With Witchcraft And Christine O'Donnell

It was nearly the end of summer break, swim team season had come to a close and Christie and I didn't have summer jobs because all the poor kids took them. We burned the long afternoons under oak trees talking about our futures and which colleges we might like to pretend to graduate from once we were adults.

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The Shocking Truth Behind Justin Bieber Brand Nail Polish

Here at Cracked, perched atop our commitment to fabricated journalism like some kind of hilarious raven, we wondered if there was more to this whole nail polish thing. And, after a bit of fabrication, it turns out there was.

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The Monster Inside of Mario Lopez: A Warning

I can only hope the writings of a monster might convince you where mine continuously fail.

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How to Deal With Jealousy [COMIC]

Especially if it's warranted.

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What Andrew WK's Twitter Taught Me About Life

You will never love anything as much as Andrew WK loves partying.

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