13 of the Best Jokes and Moments from Sandra Bernhard on Her 68th Birthday

Today, we’re all receiving Bernhard’s gift for comedy

Authors: By Erik Barnes
Published: June 06, 2023
Comments: 1

Alfonso Ribeiro’s ‘Carlton Dance’ Was Inspired By Eddie Murphy and Courteney Cox

Murphy’s ‘White Man Dance’ and Cox’s regular dance had a lovechild that changed Ribeiro’s life

Authors: By Keegan Kelly
Published: June 06, 2023
Comments: 0

5 Machines That Rose Up Against Humans

No popcorn machine should have a body count this high

Authors: By Ryan Menezes
Published: June 06, 2023
Comments: 2

5 Times Old-School Spycraft Sounded Like Straight-Up Looney Tunes

We’ll stop using fake animal poop when it stops WORKING

Authors: By Eli Yudin
Published: June 06, 2023
Comments: 1

‘South Park’: Chef Songs Ranked By How Appropriate They Are for Children

Is all that educational crooning really as filthy as it seems?

Authors: By Steve Q
Published: June 06, 2023
Comments: 0

The 16 All-Time Dumbest Excuses Made By Public Figures

By:: Jesse; Cracked Writers

April 07, 2021

The 16 All-Time Dumbest Excuses Made By Public Figures

Look. If you ever find yourself caught with cocaine in your pocket, or with a prostitute on vacation, or with someone else's blood in your blood… just own it, man!

16

That blood belongs to my twin! ACING CRACKED Tyler Hamilton, once an OlympiC cycler, was banned from competition for two years after the nti-Doping Agency found traces of someone else's blood swimming around his his blood. He claimed it was a classic case of I ate my twin in the — Source: NYTimes

15

That prostitute was carrying my luggage! rentboy.com OUr Massev GFE RARS ACCATS 1 6t F8D BOYS FIND YOUR FANTASY TONIGHT... B3K TE ANYS CRACKED cO Anti-gay lobbyist George Rekers was caught with a gay prostitute he'd straight-up rented from rentboy.com Even as the boy confirmed the sexual nature of his rental, Rekers — Source: The 5 Stupidest Excuses Ever Given in a Political Scandal

14

I thought that baseball bat was a baseball ball! 22 CRACKED CO Roger Clemens, infamously, threw a baseball bat shard more or less right at Mike Piazza, after the latter broke his bat on a pitch. Clemens later claimed he thought that shard was the baseball itself... which still doesn't explain — Source: Sports Illustrated

13

I was at the strip club undercover! CRACKEDCO J. Herbert Burke, the inspiration for Burt Reynolds' Striptease character, was arrested for being loud and drunk at a strip club. He countered that not only was he sober, he was only there because he saw a couple of drug dealers about — Source: The 5 Stupidest Excuses Ever Given in a Political Scandal

12

We were all ruCK by lightning 17 3 15 12 CRACKEDC In 2011, North Korea's women's soccer coach was in the unenviable position of explainin why his team had lost to the US: players were hit by lightning during a training match. More than five were hospitalised. — Source: The Guardian

11

I had to call my boyfriend, who's a secret spy! CRACKEDcO Norwegian parliament member Saera Khan was investigated for an astronomical phone bill, and responded with a series of escalating excuses: she was calling her family, then she was calling her boyfriend, who was in the army, but the British — Source: The 5 Stupidest Excuses Ever Given in a Political Scandal

10

That hidden compartment is for, uh, jewelry? Airport security caught Michael Vick trying to sneak in a water bottle that smelled suspiciously like weed and sure enough, they found ''a substance in a hidden compartment. — Source: ESPN

9

It was just a tickle fight! CRACKED COM When New York Congressman Eric Massa was accused of sexually harassing a staff member, he explained that he merely got tanked at a wedding and tickled his staffer, telling him what I really ought to be doing is fracking you. He also claimed — Source: The 5 Stupidest Excuses Ever Given in a Political Scandal

8

I sneezed too hard! CRACKEDCO Sammy Sosa's most infamous lie is probably the one where he accidentally used a corked bat, but this sneeze thing is too good to ignore. Even if it's true, it's bonkers: he was SO strong that tWO violent sneezes gave him back spasms and made — Source: ESPN

7

I had to offer oral sex to save my life! CRACKED cO Florida State Rep. Bob Allen ducked into a public restroom to escape a sudden storm. There, he offered to giVE a blowjay (and a bonus $20!) to, well, an undercover cop. He later said he felt trapped and threatened — Source: The 5 Stupidest Excuses Ever Given in a Political Scandal

6

I need this drug cocktail for my cramps! CRACKEDC After Nicole Richie was arrested for driving the wrong way down an LA freeway, she explained that she was merely hopped up on weed and Vicodin due to menstrual cramps. — Source: CBS

5

These are prescription roids! CRACKEDCO Sylvester Stallone was arrested in Australia in 2009 for carrying dozens of vials of HGH, but said they were for a legitimate medical condition. He refused to elaborate on his condition, or where in Sam's Club you can buy HGH in bulk. — Source: Today

4

I was acting when I yoinked that merch! CRACKEDC Winona Ryder was long ago caught shoplifting about $5k worth of swag from Saks Fifth Avenue, and at one point argued she was merely method acting in preparation for an upcoming role. — Source: EW

3

My patriotism drove me to cheat on my dying wife! CRACKEDG After a pattern of cheating on wives when they were extremely ill and/or dying, Newt Gingrich explained that at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, I worked far too hard and — Source: NPR

2

Officer, these aren't my pants! Lindsay Lohan capped off her infamous high-speed, booze-fuelled SUV chase by claiming, when cops found coke in her pockets, that she was wearing someone else's pants. — Source: ABC

1

I was too high to do my taxes! CRACKED.COM In 2009, the IRS had a quick question for Method Man: where are your taxes, man? He hadn't paid his taxes in a bunch of years because, in his own words, I got high, I forgot to pay. It was stupid. — Source: CBS

Recommended For Your Pleasure

12 Ridiculous-Sounding Scientific Names That Are 100% Real

Spaghettification is a real term in astrophysics.

Authors: By JhallComics, Andrea Meno
Published: June 06, 2023
Comments: 3

The ‘New York Times’ Has No Idea What ‘Cringe Comedy’ Is

Two articles about ‘cringe comedians’ from this past weekend show that the ‘Times’ can’t decide what ‘cringe’ means

Authors: By Keegan Kelly
Published: June 05, 2023
Comments: 3

12 Jerks Who Blessedly Broadcast Their Rock Bottom

Did they think we wanted to see ALL aspects of their lives?

Authors: By Andres Diplotti, Jay L'Ecuyer
Published: June 05, 2023
Comments: 6

Ashton Kutcher Launches World Tour for Matt Rife, Who Is Basically TikTok’s Ashton Kutcher

Kutcher co-signed on the next handsome-yet-humorous superstar’s world tour in a promotional sketch released this morning

Authors: By Keegan Kelly
Published: June 05, 2023
Comments: 0

15 Trivia Tidbits About ‘BoJack Horseman’

Todd used to look a lot different

Authors: By Zanandi Botes
Published: June 06, 2023
Comments: 0

Here’s the Jerry Seinfeld Impression Jerry Seinfeld Himself Approves Of

Pete Holmes has been hitting the stage as New Material Seinfeld

Authors: By Matt Solomon
Published: June 05, 2023
Comments: 0