13 Freakishly Funny Jokes About Vampires

Vampires are giant weirdos, making them the perfect punchline for all kinds of comedy
13 Freakishly Funny Jokes About Vampires

Vampires are the classic horror movie monster — the default leader of such creatures that prey upon humanity when they aren’t shilling marshmallow cereals. However, they’re also weird as shit. What with their bizarre rules and restrictions, like the aversion to sunlight, Christian iconography and not perving on children. This makes them perfect spooky fodder to conjure up comedy from.

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So let’s invite in some of the funniest jokes from stand-ups, sketches and sitcoms to whet our appetites with macabre hilarity…

Sarah Michelle Gellar’s Awkward Monologue

On Saturday Night Live, Gellar (the star of Buffy the Vampire Slayer) started a monologue that offended some members of the audience.

Nicolas Cage as Dracula

Cage is entirely in his element, portraying the king of all vampires in Renfield. That said, the guy’s a real narcissist

Dwight’s Vampire Hunt

A bat in the office in, well, The Office, has Dwight paranoid since Jim is showing signs of vampirism (as a prank).

‘Is The Count a Vampire?’

On Family Guy, Peter and Brian tackle one of the most vital questions in pop culture.

Anti-Terrorist Dracula

Robot Chicken, for some reason, asked, “What if 24 starred Dracula instead of Jack Bauer?” and made it into this sketch.

Emeril Lugosi, Vampire Chef

On Comedy Bang Bang, Scott Aukerman gets some cooking tips from the author of Steaks, Not Stakes: A Vampire’s Guide to Backyard BBQs. It’s really fang-tastic (sorry, not sorry).

Sinbad on 1992’s ‘Bram Stoker’s Dracula’

“You all see Dracula? Ain’t no way. That movie should have lasted five minutes. As soon as he pulled up to the crib, he should have said, ‘Naw.’ You don’t walk into a man’s house that got hair like that; it just don’t work. Man had two big buns on the top of his head, please. Look like he had a butt on his head; it didn’t make no sense.”

Jefferson Twilight

On The Venture Bros., Jefferson is the Order of the Triad’s Blackula hunter in the vein of Blade, but only for Blackulas. He’s damn good at it, too, based on his battle against the Blood Brothers.

Don’t Visit Mitch Hedberg’s Doctor

“I went to the doctor. All he did was suck the blood from my neck. Do not see Dr. Acula.”

Key & Peele & Sexy Vampires

Listen, just because you’re a vampire doesn’t mean that you can’t be your own person and have to subscribe to certain behaviors and aesthetics. It doesn’t have to be “sexy.”

Richard Pryor Versus Dracula

“You expect Dracula to jump on you any second. If he did, I’d hold the cross up. Because he’s allergic to bullshit.”

The Vampiric Council

In What We Do in the Shadows, the Staten Island vampires are judged by the Vampiric Council, consisting of various vampires across pop culture, including Evan Rachel Wood, Paul Reubens, Danny Trejo and Tilda Swinton. Even Wesley Snipes is there via Skype.

The Ending of ‘Treehouse of Horror IV’

With a vampiric twist and a Charlie Brown ending, The Simpsons (and us!) hope you enjoy the spooky season!

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