The 11 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Religious Paintings

The other thing you notice is that Jesus is huge. Merciful? Yes. But he also spends a lot of time in the gym, and waxing his body hair. So that one day, all of us will ascend to a heaven where the body oil and steroids flow freely from fountains, and every surface is a mirror that we can flex into.

In a religion that is constantly under fire for pedophilia among the priesthood, we would think that when sitting down and planning out a painting of Jesus and a small child, artists would be extra careful in making sure that it, beyond a shadow of a doubt, couldn't be taken the wrong way. But there you go.

Getty
"... Lolita was the wrong audiobook to paint to."

They couldn't just have Jesus sitting back a foot or so, maybe looking on with love and concern. They couldn't have his eyes open, maybe smiling with pride at the innocence and spirituality of this little one. Nope, he had to be leaning right on top of her, nose buried in her hair, eyes closed in ecstasy.

The Intended Message:

"Only God will share in the fullness of your sufferings and never forsake you."

The Actual Message:

... but also, when you shoot up heroin, it's actually Jesus who gets high, so it balances out.

Seriously, there has to be a better way to depict that idea, because right now, it looks like Jesus' tendency for materializing behind unsuspecting people has led to a rather unfortunate misunderstanding, and the dude is so stoned from all the booze and drugs and ... decorative candles that he doesn't even realize he's about to inject someone else's arm. It doesn't exactly help that Jesus happens to have the same tattoo as him.

Once you've had stigmata, most body modification seems pretty tame.

Heroin dude's mistake is even more baffling when you notice that there's no space for his own arm there, meaning he forgot he didn't have one. He probably lost it in the same accident that reduced his friend to a skull on a lamp table.

But of course all of this is avoiding the obvious, which is that Jesus' expression indicates he is getting high as balls from this.

And while we're on the subject of Jesus and tattoos ...

Anyway, yeah, that "Father" tattoo is pretty sweet (obviously), but why do we get the feeling that Eddie/Jeff/Magic Mike here only wanted to show it to us as an excuse to unleash those biceps? What? No, dude, we don't want to see the "Holy Spirit" one on your pecs. Jesus.

Before you ask, yes this is the same artist who gave us the boxing Jesus earlier.

The most bizarre part might be how casually the guy on the right introduces his business associate, who is literally Jesus Christ. "I'll get those estimates ready so we can discuss pricing and logistics. Oh yeah, almost forgot, here's God made flesh." "How do you do?"

Jesus, on the other hand, looks somewhat self-conscious about the fact that nobody told him that the dress code for formal meetings had changed since A.D. 33. "I honestly thought it was still robes and sandals. The ... the email didn't specify."

The Intended Message:

"The anguish that God experiences while His children are abused is the cumulative experience of all the abused children since the beginning of time compressed into one eternal moment."

The Actual Message:

Here's a lesson for all of you aspiring artists out there: Facial expressions are really hard to get right, but are also really important. They're literally the difference between "overcome with anguish over the suffering of the innocent" and "guy in Head & Shoulders shampoo commercial."

Or if you raise the water to his shoulders, it looks like he's coming out of a pool.

According to the artist, those are the dolls of all the abused children in human history, which is honestly the saddest thing we've ever heard, but Jesus is doing a really bad job of trying to look upset. At most he seems annoyed that someone has to pick them up. This isn't Sawyer's only "Jesus chilling at the beach" painting, either:

Art for God
This probably takes place right after the heroin one.

You may have noticed that several of the paintings we've shown you are by this same artist. We promise this is the last.

*No, we won't.

The Actual Meaning:

This is how the Bill & Ted reboot would end if it were directed by Kirk Cameron. Jesus is surrounded by a series of important historical figures who have traveled in time just to ... wait, is that Roy Orbison there between Henry VIII, Vlad the Impaler and fist-pump Hitler?

The new formation of the Traveling Wilburys?

The author of this painting is Jon McNaughton, who says that "Today, Christians are the most persecuted people in the entire world," and in his painting portrays the symbolic modern Christian as a white male in a business suit. You will be shocked to learn that his second favorite subject after Jesus is conservative politics, which leads us to the following gem ...

The Intended Meaning:

Jesus was the inspiration for the Constitution.

The Actual Meaning:

Hey, remember when Jesus was president? Jon McNaughton apparently does. There's a handy interactive viewer in his website to help you identify each person in the painting and what they're meant to represent. In the Jesus-hating, socialism-loving corner in the lower right, for example, we can see College Professor holding Origin of Species, Liberal News Reporter, Satan (literally) and Unmarried Pregnant Woman.

And a dude who is about to make it rain.

President Obama is conspicuously absent, but only because the Constitution document is already depicted in the painting and McNaughton can only paint Obama if he's doing nasty things to it, as seen in his other works.

McNaughton Fine Art
"Dude! Obama! What the hell!"

Judging by the artist's other paintings, Jesus ended up sticking around the hospital for a while, interfering with the day-to-day activities of the doctors.

Nathan Greene
"This whole 'brain surgery' thing is a lot easier when someone isn't touching my shoulder."

Nathan Greene
"No, I got -- seriously, Jesus, if you could just wait outside while I work ..."

For more ridiculous pieces of "art," check out 6 Best Shenanigans Passed Off As Art and 15 Grossly Misleading Movie Posters.

If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out The Country Starlet Who Stole Her Big Hit Off a Crack Addict.