18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, September 26, 2023

‘I don’t have a girlfriend, but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming, ‘No, that’s not what I said!’’
18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, September 26, 2023

There aren’t many stories about utopian futures. That’s depressing. Even Star Trek still has conflict. Then again, a story without conflict isn’t interesting. Maybe the best life is a boring one then. Or a boring one that still has jokes to enjoy. Maybe jokes like these. Live your best boring life now.

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Maria Bamford on Dating

“I’m not looking for much, I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.”

Jerry Seinfeld on Nothing

“I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything, which, as you know, always leads to something, cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.”

Denis Leary on Racism

Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list.”

Louie Anderson on Clothing Size

“I’ll tell you this: If I get one more ‘X’ on my clothing, I’ll be next year’s Super Bowl.”

Rodney Dangerfield on U-Turns

“This afternoon, my wife cracked up the car again. I was out driving with her, and she told me she was going to make a U-turn. I tell you the letter she made you’ll never find in the alphabet.”

Dave Attell on Relationships

“I don’t have a girlfriend, but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming, ‘No, that’s not what I said!’”

Eugene Mirman on Activism

“I’m walking to a meeting, and this lady starts waving at me like a ghost is attacking her, and only I can help. She goes, ‘Are you a fan of the Earth?’ I don’t like that. ‘No, I’m a moon fan, sorry!’ I hate that terrible question; it made me want to light a whale on fire and use the energy to power a coal plant.”

George Wallace on ‘Top Chef’

“My ass would get kicked off Top Chef right away. ‘We’ve never had someone serve us just a five-gallon bucket of gravy before. It was a bold choice, but the challenge was to make a scone. George, please pack your knives and go.’”

Ray Romano on Jogging

“I started jogging. Let me give you some advice: If you’re going to jog, don’t do what I did. Really, no, go with someone who’s as pathetic as you are. This helps. Because my friend runs like five miles a day. I said, ‘Okay, let me try.’ I got about half a mile, and I’m dying. And this guy, he won’t let me stop: ‘Oh no, keep going, keep going, you’ll get your second wind, believe me.’

“You know, I found out something about myself. I have only one wind — and it’s a breeze.”

Tig Notaro on Her Breasts

“I notice more and more women are getting fake boobs. Meanwhile, I haven’t even gotten real ones yet. I mean, I have boobs. They’re just concave. So much so they even kinda stick out of my back a little bit.”

Sarah Silverman on Scientology

“Everything seems crazy when you’re not used to it. That’s why so many comics make fun of Scientology, because like, well, because it’s a batshit crazy religion. But it’s no more batshit crazy than every single religion, it’s just new. Scientology is weird because it’s new. It feels weird in our earholes to hear people worshiping a guy named Ron. We know Rons in our life. He had to change his name to L. Ron because there was another Ron Hubbard in the Writers Guild. That’s how recent a religion it is.”

Demetri Martin on Swimming

“Swimming is a confusing sport because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants? Uh oh. Bathing suit? Okay. Naked? We’ll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?”

Bill Hicks on Historical Figures

“I gotta tell you about the world that I see. It’s sad sometimes. Do you ever realize that we live in a world where good men are murdered while mediocre hacks thrive? Have you ever noticed that? John Kennedy: murdered. Gandhi: murdered. Martin Luther King: murdered. Jesus: murdered. Reagan: wounded.”

Jon Dore on Smoking

“I started smoking in high school. I never thought I’d get hooked. I always thought by the time I graduate, that’s it. No more smoking. But now I’m 33. There’s no way I’m ever going to graduate.”

Joan Rivers on Her Self Image

“I have no sex appeal, and it has screwed me up for life. Peeping Toms look at my window and pull down the shade. My gynecologist examines me by telephone.”

Jimmy Carr on the Make-A-Wish Foundation

“Say what you like about the Make-A-Wish Foundation; they can work to a deadline.”

Jim Gaffigan on Fairs

“It’s amazing how your perspective on fairs changes. As a kid, you’re like, ‘THE FAIR, THERE’S A FAIR!’ As an adult, you’re like, ‘That looks dangerous; are they cooking in that truck?’”

Phil Wang on Scary Movies

“I hate scary movies. They’re too scary! I don’t want to pay money to feel worse. How comfortable is your life if you have the time, expendable income and desire to pay money to feel fear for fun?”

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