5 Horrifying Things Only Lifeguards Know About Public Pools

Here are some tips for minimizing the nastiness: Ever feel your skin burn after getting in the pool? Then you should quit being gross and take a shower first: Showers are essential for rinsing off dead skin and stray fecal matter. The burning feeling is likely the chlorine eating the dead bits off your disgusting body. If the water is salty, that could mean there's urine in it. And if you stick your fingers into the hot tub, let them dry, and come away with the scent of French fries, that's a sign the tub is too warm and letting bacteria spread. Of course, that requires tasting the urine and huffing the bacteria first ...

Another kid was fired for lying on a worker's comp claim about getting chlorine in his eye. He did almost go blind, but it was because he had been stealing chlorine to make bombs. One of his pop bottles exploded right in his face. Damn, who would have thought leaving underpaid teenagers in charge of dangerous chemicals could end badly?

Also, no matter what it says on the box, most flotation devices are not safety devices. Water wings, inflatable donuts -- kids will slip out of those. Kickboards and pool noodles are fun to play with, but they're no replacement for a life vest. Parents misuse these all the time, but if you're looking to keep your child safe from Poseidon's underachieving little brother, Poolseidon, the only safe device is one that wraps securely around the middle of the body. Thinking that little Timmy is immune to drowning because you gave him a giant novelty foam dinosaur is only putting him in more danger.

We've had to call the police on several people who hung around outside and watched kids. And lest you think we were just being paranoid, we actually caught a man masturbating in the parking lot. Maybe those floppy pool noodles just really did it for him ...

Worst of all was the sexual harassment. Every time we went into the sauna, men would tell us how great we looked and offer to buy us dinner. Most were more than old enough to be my father. Most of us weren't even 18! The guys got plenty of it too: The pool was in a suburban family community, which meant there were a lot of tweens and stay-at-home moms. Thirteen-year-old girls and 40-year-old women alike would ask me whether a certain lifeguard was "available." People think the pool is some sort of post-apocalyptic sexual wasteland, where society's laws no longer apply ...

There's a common misconception that a drowning person is going to be flailing their arms and shouting for help, because how else would the cast of Baywatch know the cue for running in slow motion? But usually they'll be silent because they've already taken on water. A drowning person is vertical, usually straight up and down. If someone is swimming, they're at least semi-horizontal, unless they're treading water. So if your buddy is just quietly bobbing up and down, he's probably not enjoying a relaxing float.

Your first instinct will be to swim over and pull them to safety. That's wrong. Drowning people are panicking, and they'll have no qualms about climbing on top of you for buoyancy. We had one dad with two daughters, and the older girl started drowning. The lifeguard was coming to help, but dad reached her first. He still had his younger daughter with him, and she started freaking out. He couldn't support them both, so we now had three people drowning. They were fine, but if you read about someone drowning while trying to save a friend, that's probably what happened. If you lack the proper strength and training, they'll drag you down with them.

What you need to do is pass them something, like a long stick or a flotation device, and pull them out. Ideally you'd be doing this from land, but you can do it in the water as long as you keep your distance. That gives the victim something buoyant to hang onto, which will calm them down. And it doesn't give you a frantically clawing human backpack trying to drag you beneath the water. Really, it's a win-win situation.

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Lifeguards aren't the only ones who deserve a little more respect from us. Check out other people we should think more highly of in 5 Horrifying Things Only Garbagemen Know About Your Town and 4 Scary Things You Only See Cutting People's Power As A Job.

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