18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, September 25, 2023

‘There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I’m a Catholic, and she’s the devil’
18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, September 25, 2023

Spider-Man’s original costume never made sense. First, red and blue aren’t spidery colors. Second, the focus of the costume is webs and webbing. That’s not a spider, that’s what a spider makes out of its butt. It’s like if there was a superhero named “Human-Man,” and his costume was plastered with poop patterns on a red and blue backdrop. It’d make more sense if his name was “Web-Man.” The point is that Spider-Man’s costume is a joke, but not as much of a joke as these actual jokes.

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Doug Benson on Cheating

“Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend, and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying… under another man.”

Mike Birbiglia on Friendly Conversation

“Technology’s moving so fast, man. It’s to the point where you can make stuff up, and people will believe you. You can be like, ‘You seen the new Sony Teleporter?’ People will be like, ‘No, but I heard about it.’ I end up saying that all the time, ‘No, but I heard about it.’ It means I haven’t heard about it, but I like you.”

Esther Povitsky on Babysitting

“I look like a good babysitter because I look nice, but I’m not quite hot enough to ruin a marriage.”

Gary Delaney on Pajamas

“I’ve just bought Spider-Man pajamas. I hope he likes them.”

Adam Ferrara on His Break-Up

“There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I’m a Catholic, and she’s the devil.”

Ray Romano on His Twins

“My twin boys are two, and they’re cute. But when they become adults, the danger of identical twins, I hope they’re handsome. Because if they’re even slightly ugly, there’s two of those. You notice that. If you see one slightly ugly man walk across the room, that’s no big deal. But if you see the same ugliness right behind him. ‘Hey! Look at that… I didn’t think he was that ugly until I saw it again.’”

Sara Hennessey on Summer-Camp Trauma

“When I went to camp as a kid, it was super stressful, and I think it was because I was a child ripped away from my family and shoved into the woods.”

Brian Regan on Yoga

“I thought yoga was easy. I went out, and I bought a yoga videotape — I bought the beginners’ yoga tape. I couldn’t do anything on the whole hour. Nothing, just fast-forwarding. ‘Can’t do that, can’t do that — I know I can’t do that.’ This woman in a soothing voice: ‘Simply take the bottom of your right foot and place it on the small of your back.’”

Jim Gaffigan on Summer Vacation Pressure

“There’s pressure to enjoy summer. I’m from the Midwest; it’s almost a panic: ‘Go out there and have fun; winter is coming to kill us!’”

Harland Williams on Prius Drivers

“Have you seen the Prius drivers with their attitude? They’re like, ‘Ooh, I drive a Prius! Ooh, I get to drive in the carpool lane! Ooh, I get home 25 minutes early’ — to nobody!”

Eugene Mirman on Advertising

“I saw this steak house, and the slogan was ‘UNDEFEATED.’ Wow! Can you imagine a steak so delicious that every single person who fought them had lost? That is a delicious steak!”

George Wallace on Death

“You always hear about people dying of ‘natural causes.’ Shout out to all the folks taken out by supernatural causes. Asshole ghosts straight up yankin’ on the steering wheel and whatnot.”

Bob Saget on Intimidation

“My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that’s how he dealt with my mom.”

Steven Wright on Instant Coffee

“Every morning, I get up and make instant coffee, and I drink it so I have the energy to make real coffee.”

Trevor Noah on Traffic Lights

“I enjoy your traffic lights. Just standing there, watching people obey them. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. We do have traffic lights in Africa, but we don’t use them the same way. It’s like we saw them here and brought them over just to fit in.

“‘What is this?’

“‘These are the brand new traffic lights!’

“‘What are they for?’

“‘Ah, they just add atmosphere to the intersection. Look at the colors! Look at the colors!’”

Jen Kirkman on Divorce

“I love being divorced. It’s been four years, but people still get upset; they still worry about me. It’s really just a legal term meaning no one’s farted in my bed in four years.”

Demetri Martin on Heart Attacks

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades — especially if your teammates are bad. I guess the only worst time would be during a game of ‘Fake Heart Attack,’ followed by ‘Naps.’”

Bill Hicks on His Father

“I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say, ‘Yeah? When?’”

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