10 Divorce Stories Too Strange to Make Up
Nothing can bring utter insanity to the lives of otherwise reasonable people like a nasty divorce. People in that situation suddenly find within themselves untapped wells of pettiness and crazy, leading to the kind immature behavior that would embarrass the average 10-year-old.
How bizarre do these cases get? Well...
A Cambodian Couple Split Their Assets
Last year, in Cambodia's rural village of Phnom Penh a couple ended their 18 years of marriage because Moeun, the husband, has suspected for years that his wife was screwing around with the local cop. So like a reasonable couple they talked over their differences and then at some point Moeun decided to fucking cut their house in half.
"Actually, I'm gonna need something a little bigger."
Moeun and his relatives showed up equipped with lots of saws, and we're guessing even more alcohol, and cut the bastard neatly in two. We're guessing if you were to rewind about two hours you'd find said man and relatives in a bar, just sort of drunk, when one of them says, "You know what you should do... " There's laughter, but then about 15 Cambodian beers later, the idea comes up again. This time, less laughter and more angry agreement. We figure about an hour later, they were loading up their chainsaws.
"This is such a great fucking idea!"
And once they got started they really couldn't quit without looking like even bigger assholes, so they completed the job and carried Moeun's share of the house--which, should be noted, is utterly useless without the other half to keep the rain out--back to his parents' place. We can only thank God the couple didn't have kids.
Wow, something this insane can only happen in Cambodia, right, guys? Oh, wait, a guy in Germany did the exact same thing.
A Brooklyn Couple VS. Wacky Judge
So is there an American story that tops them both? We believe so.
While filing for divorce, citing physical and mental abuse, the aspiring-to-be-ex Mrs. Chana Taub hit a roadblock when the judge dismissed the entire case, based on what appears to be the fact that the couple were already living out an 80s sitcom plot device. You know, where the feuding couple decides to draw a line down the middle of their house, then a series of wacky hijinks ensue while they try to sabotage each other?
Only in this case instead of a line, it was a wall built down the center of the three-story home. And we don't mean some kind of temporary thing to teach them a lesson, but an actual wall of plywood and sheetrock through the middle of their Brooklyn residence.
See that white separation wall in the back? Yeah. This is retarded.
What's more, it wasn't even their idea. An earlier judge had ordered the wall built, after both husband and wife refused to move out (this was presumably the first case in U.S. history to cite an episode of The Facts of Life as its basis). We note that the judge gave the wife the kitchen and the husband the dining room, which would seem like he was trying to set up some kind of wacky/romantic reconciliation dinner. You know, except for the big goddamned wall separating them.
Jilted Woman "Murders" "Husband" in "Japan"
In a spine-chilling case of betrayal, revenge and murder, an unnamed Japanese woman may face serious jail time for the murder of her ex-husband which occurred last year... inside an online role-playing game called Maple Story.
Whoa, this looks pretty serious.
Having come home one day to find that her online avatar had been dumped by another online avatar was apparently enough to turn this jilted divorcee into black-hearted machine of nerdy feminine vengeance.
Allegedly using some illegal software to hack into her ex's account, the 43-year-old piano teacher proceeded to destroy his character on which he worked for over a year. A year of battling monsters and buying clothes, gone, like that. Needless to say the man contacted the police immediately. We're going to guess he was hung up on in mid-sentence, and then the embarrassed officers had to call him back when they looked it up and realized it was a real crime.
"Thank you, Grinning Mushroom Monster, you may step down, now. The Defense rests."
The ex-wife may be looking at 5 years in prison or a $5,000 fine for her in-game crime, which we're thinking sets the precedent for Call of Duty war crime tribunals next year. Ha, only in Japan, right?
David Pollard and Amy Taylor Start a Second Life
Laura Skye, a local up-and-coming DJ in the U.K., was devastated to one day find her husband, the ruggedly handsome Dave Barmy, cuddling with a strange woman in his apartment. And this was after she forgave him for having a fling with a prostitute a couple of years ago.
Now she has filed for divorce. This would be quite a sad story if not for the fact it all happened on-line in Second Life.
Skye is the alter-ego of Amy Taylor and Barmy is the character played by David Pollard, her currently-ex husband, who seems to have took the divorce well. According to Dave, their marriage was a joke for some time, because Amy spent long hours playing World of Warcraft and ignored all the important stuff, like their dinner date in Second Life.
Also, holy shit has anyone made this observation before?
Dave would often spend lonely nights at his virtual studio apartment not being able to understand why his wife left him for a silly fantasy online game. After which he shelled real money to see two computer avatars humping on his computer screen. The couple is now divorced both on-and off-line.
Joseph Finnegan: Husband, Friend, the Undead
When, in 2007, Karen decided to divorce Joe, her husband of 26 years, she did not count on just how crafty her soon-to-be ex could be. Joe's defense in the case was so simple, it was beautiful: He claimed that they cannot get divorced because their marriage was already dissolved over three years ago... when Joe "died."
Apparently Joe claimed that after his heart stopped in 2004, this temporary death was enough to annul their marriage on the legal binding clause of "Till Death Do Us Part." If that wasn't enough, he cited two additional examples of his death, one more time in 2004 and once again in 2005. Three temporary deaths? What the fuck? Is this the guy Crank 2 was based on?
Unfortunately for Joe, he failed to provide evidence that he was... well, dead, probably due to the fact he actually showed up in court and everything. So his motion was dismissed.
It's all for the best though. If Joe got his wish, he would be technically and legally a dead person walking among the living a.k.a. a zombie. And hunting him down for sport would be too big of a temptation for us.
Bakr and Sanaa Melhem Find Each Other... Again
The Internet is a wonderful place. It has porn, places to talk about porn or Web sites which allow you to meet new and exciting people... with whom you can make new and exciting porn. Enter Adnan and Jamilia, two lovelorn Jordanians who met online, possibly in a porn-related chatroom.
Both in unsatisfying marriages; both looking for someone new to bring the spark back to their lives; both actually already married to each other. In a plot turn even the writers of a Matthew McConaughey romantic comedy would reject as ludicrous, it turned out that "Adnan" and "Jamilia" were the net handles of Bakr and Sanaa Melhem, a married couple who were going through a seven-month trial separation.
So all this time they were exchanging dreams and making wedding plans, he was the often mentioned "Micro-dicked loser" and she was the "Cold emotionless bitch." In the end, this McConaughey-like series of comedic mistakes came to a pretty anticlimatic conclusion (a divorce) when the cybering couple finally met in real life. Lucky for Bakr, this time it wasn't his mom.
We all have done stuff in our sleep which we aren't proud off. Some of you might have mumbled the name of an old flame once or twice, while others might have vigorously humped the pillow yelling out a bunch of both male and female names, including the entire cast of Scrubs. But we think it's a safe bet none of you actually divorced anyone in your sleep. Some of you might have been divorced over the whole pillow thing, but that's beside the point.
"Honey. Hey, Honey, wake up. I no longer find you attractive."
Back in 2006, Akhtar, a Muslim gentleman from West Bengal uttered the word "talaq" three times in his sleep, which according to Islamic law, made him divorce his wife Sobena, who was sleeping right next to him. The couple wanted to just let the whole thing slide despite the sleep talking, but such insanity would not be allowed in West Bengal. Akhtar consulted the local clerics and was told that he and Sobena were in fact now single and would remain so until they remarried.
It says something about their culture that the couple didn't consider, you know, just not mentioning the incident to anyone and going on with their lives. We're not sure what it says, but it says something.
Neil Brady Has Divorced You
Have you ever gotten blindsided by a friend's blog? You know, you think everything is going fine based on your face to face interaction, then find them in their Facebook/Twitter/LiveJournal openly longing for your violent death?
That's a strange side effect of sites like Facebook, where people reveal to an ocean of strangers what they apparently can't say when sitting on the sofa with you. Just ask the woman who found out her husband was divorcing her via his Facebook update.
When now-defacto-ex Mrs. Emma Brady was checking her husband's Facebook status in February 2009, among all the updates concerning the changing hotness of his coffee through time--as of 3PM, it officially became "luke warm"--she noticed it read "Neil Brady has ended his marriage to Emma Brady."
Strangely, the marriage continued for some time after this, as when he came home, she asked if anything was wrong and he said no. So she apparently dismissed the whole "ended his marriage to Emma Brady" thing as some kind of new 4chan meme.
While asked for comment later, Neil said he couldn't understand how his posting came as a surprise to his wife. Come on, he deleted her from his Friends list and has not poked her in like a month... the signs were there Emma, and you look ridiculous now for not noticing them.
"Polly Wanna Swear to Tell the Whole Truth?"
Man, where would NEWS of the WEIRD columns be without talking birds? There's always some story of a guy getting caught in a lie or a suspect getting nailed because the bird repeated some incriminating words. Seriously, don't people who own these birds ever learn to take their incriminating conversations to another room? It's like having a living tape recorder running 24 hours a day. These people have basically bugged their own homes.
That brings us to this unnamed Chinese woman from Chongqing. After returning home from a month-long trip to her parents, she became suspicious over the new vocabulary the family mynah bird has picked up; such as "divorce" and "be patient" and presumably: "You have great tits, I want to shove my face in and motorboat them while my wife is away, and I don't mind shouting that fact because there is no one here to hear me other than my stupid parrot who repeats everything I say."
Who gave it a camera?
The wife has filed for divorce but, for some bizarre reason, evidence from a bird is apparently not admissible in Chinese courts. We don't see why though, seeing as the exact same case has appeared numerous times in courts around the world. In 2006, Rosella DeGambos, an Argetinian woman, actually won a case thanks to her bird's testimony.
Richard Batista Gave Dawnell His Heart, or a Nearby Organ Anyway
Eight years ago, the wife of Dr. Richard Batista was slowly dying due to failing kidneys. The Batistas's marriage was already on shaky ground due to Dawnell's deteriorating health but just then, Richard decided to take a more active part in his wife's recovery and gave her his own kidney.
It was magical; after Dawnell's body rejected the transplants from her dad and brother, it turned out she and Dick were a perfect 1-in-700,000 match. Surely it was destiny, and it could have gone down as one of the most romantic presents ever (he gave her part of himself).
It could have, if the recovered Mrs. Batista did not then allegedly jump some other guy's boner. The husband, enraged over the lack of gratitude, demanded his kidney back.
Someone presumably explained that the courts likely would not reward him the right to go to work on his wife with a butcher knife, so he is asking for $1.5 million instead, which is presumably what it costs to get a good replacement kidney off the black market.
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For more hilarity found during inappropriate times, check out 13 Last Requests That Prove It's OK to Laugh at Dead People. Or find out about some action stars whose careers had a less than happy ending in 6 People Who Died In Order To Prove A (Retarded) Point.
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