18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, September 13, 2023
They say “fortune favors the bold,” but what about the funny? These people below have made some cash with their jokes. Maybe you could? Who knows? Well, I guess you need to be bold enough to pursue comedy professionally in the first place. Then fortune will happen. Maybe. (Probably not.)
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Rita Rudner on Breasts
“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: A woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”
Tom Papa on Pets
“Pet people act like you’re a monster: ‘You don’t like pets? You’re so mean!’ Really, I’m mean? I’m not the one keeping a live animal hostage in my apartment. ‘He loves me.’ Really? Open the door.”
Kyle Kinane on Jam Bands
“If jam bands are your thing, good for you, bless your heart on that stuff. I do not hear a jam. I never hear a jam. I hear five stepdads who don’t know how to end a song.”
Craig Ferguson on Drug Addiction
“It was explained to me in rehab that the difference between an alcoholic and a junkie was this: An alcoholic will steal your purse to buy alcohol and then be consumed with guilt and remorse and drink themselves to death over it. A junkie will steal your purse and then help you look for it.”
Amy Schumer on Sex with Her Husband
“My husband’s the best. Before we have sex, he always puts the lights on. I shut them off, and he puts them back on. He’s like, ‘Amy, why are you so shy? You have a beautiful body.’ I’m like, ‘Oh, my God, you’re so cute. You think I don’t want you to see me.’”
Dana Gould on Relationships
“There’s only one way to avoid having a fight, and for men, it’s very simple. Never finish this sentence: ‘You want to know what I think? Because I’ll tell you what I think!’ No one ever had a great night at home after finishing that thought. It’s one of those sentences that tells you the real trouble’s coming right around the corner. Right up there with ‘Watch me scare the president!’”
Brent Weinbach on Vaginas
“I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God. I’ve never seen one before, but I have faith.”
Steve Martin on ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’
“I saw the movie Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and was surprised because I didn’t see any tigers or dragons. Then I realized why: They’re crouching and hidden.”
Brian Regan on Massages
“Massages are weird. I never feel comfortable — always looking through that strange doughnut hole. I’m always thinking weird things like, ‘I wonder if I could squeeze my head through this. But what if I got stuck underneath the table? Then I’d be like an upside-down periscope. I’d better leave well enough alone and stay on this side of the doughnut hole.’”
Joan Rivers on Sex
“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years, my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”
Mitch Hedberg on Pictures
“One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, ‘Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.’ Every picture is of you when you were younger.”
Jim Carrey on Hell
“Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.”
Steven Wright on His Seashell Collection
“I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.”
Tina Fey on Orgies
“At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was canceled last Friday. So instead, I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.”
Sarah Silverman on Babies
“I was sitting next to a young couple with a baby on the plane, and I was making the baby laugh the entire flight. Do you know what babies love? Ethnic jokes.”
Jon Stewart on Death
“I don’t want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. I think that’s tragic. Because I don’t want her to get the chance to pick out what I’m going to wear for eternity.”
Margaret Cho on Husbands
“I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can’t decide what I want, and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have it surgically removed later.”
George Carlin on Self-Help
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
