5 Good Reasons Not To Have Sex
Sex is many things–an act of passion, the method in which new life is brought into the world, and a strong traffic driver for websites. It’s something that most people think about frequently, and some lucky people even have regularly. After all, as the saying goes, sex is like pizza: one of the primary reasons people wash their bedsheets. However, sex is a complicated two-backed beast, and one that can cause issues in your personal life and in romantic relationships. Too much of it with the wrong people can create issues and ruin friendships, and too little of it will end up with you radicalized by the YouTube recommended videos algorithm.
User u/IdkwhyIbotheratp on Reddit’s advice forum is struggling with another problem that those in relationships may be familiar with: a difference in sex drive between two partners. In this case, Idk’s sex drive is much less active than their girlfriend’s, and it’s causing friction. As such, they’ve taken to the internet to ask for good excuses for when they don’t want to have sex.
Now, we should say up top: a partner’s desire to not have sex should always be respected, and explanations or excuses should never be necessary. Regardless, Idk is in search of excuses, and with that in mind, I’ve fired up the old idea factory in order to provide 5 solid reasons.
You’re Being Sex-Tested At Work
Two huge sources of friction within troubled relationships: sex and money. A large reduction of loss of an income stream can be a trying time for a couple. You can use that here, by explaining that your work has decided that all their workers are too horny, and as such, has demanded company-wide celibacy. Not only that, but they’ve started instituting random sex tests. You’d love to have sex, of course, but you simply can’t be sure the next time you’ll be called into the boss’ office to have your ding-dong swabbed, and it’s not worth the risk.
They might express some level of disbelief of anger at this, but you can neatly deflect this and steer the conversation into decrying the sad state of workers’ rights these days. Once they hear you rant about the ruling class for long enough, the mood will have passed regardless.
You Are Following The Instructions Of An Angel
Whether you were religious previously or not, simply claim that you’ve had a religious vision that cannot be denied. Explain that you were visited by an angel and informed that you have been chosen to represent the human population in a test issued by God. Your faith would be tested to remain pious in the face of modern debauchery.
You want to have sex, extremely much so. However this simply illustrates the struggle you have been saddled with. If you are able to stand tall against the sin of lust, the angel has explained that you will be greatly rewarded with riches and good fortune. Not to mention you have no idea the punishment that could result from failure, not only for you, but perhaps for all of humankind.
You Left Your Genitals At The Gym
Aw, jeez! You’ve only realized just now, that sex is looming on the horizon, that you left your entire kit of genitalia in your gym locker. Nuts! (No pun intended.) You see, when you go to your local Planet Crunch or whatever your chain of choice is, you always remove your genitalia and store them in a small silk bag in your locker, so that they don’t get caught up in the cables and gears of the machinery or pulled into the pedals of the stationary bicycle.
Promise you’ll check tomorrow. If you need a longer excuse, you can then say that someone cut your lock and stole them, assuming it was a small bag of precious gems, only to return them to the front desk a couple days later after realizing what they’d taken. Not to mention, absence only makes the heart grow fonder, so in a way, the suspense is actually kind of sexy in itself!
Paint It Green
This one is a particularly good idea because it may make your partner feel as if the agency in the decision was all theirs. Not to mention it’s simple and lasts multiple days. Simply head out to your garage or backyard when you’re not in danger of being observed and spraypaint your genitalia a bright, horrific green. (Don’t forget to wear necessary safety equipment and ensure proper ventilation!) Now that your hoo-ha is a mood-halting shade of emerald, you simply need to tuck it away and wait for a sexual situation to emerge.
When it does, you can be sure that the other participant will be stopped in their tracks by your technicolor business. Shrug your shoulders and claim ignorance, saying you “just woke up like this.” Sure, this will most likely be followed by a series of medical visits, whether physical or mental, but that’s just more time during which your gear is off-limits. Depending on how open your urologist or gynecologist is to bribes, you may even be able to spin this into a permanent solution!
Hire Someone To Pretend To Haunt Your House
So it’s go time in the bedroom–things are heating up and garments are coming off. Coitus is imminent, to say the least. Suddenly–oh my god! Who’s that in the corner? A disturbing, pale little child in Victorian clothes? Your partner only has the chance to catch a fleeting glance as they pitter-patter out of the bedroom with the sharp clip-clop of their old-timey shoes. Safe to say neither of you are still in the mood.
Sex will be off the table for some time at this point, as you’re dealing with a bona-fide haunting. Not only will the possible existence of a wronged spirit occupy most of your day-to-day brainpower, but there’s also the question of being willing to engage in activity that could possibly create a new life in a haunted house. Odds feel food for creating one of those weird little kids that wears tiny suits and pushes their babysitter off a tall slide. When you’re ready to get physical again, simply hire an exorcist, and un-hire your ghostly friend. Good to go!