8 Real Photographs That Prove Hell Exists on Earth
A wise and sagely woman once posited that heaven is a place on a Earth. And if that's true, then hell is just two exits down on the left. Oh, it exists, do not doubt it. It's real, it's right here and I have the goddamn pictures to prove it. Literally. These are images damned by God.
His Coming Shall Be Foretold"Welp, looks like we've angered the Hellephant again. Water? Ha ha ha! What the fuck, Steve?! Is this your first day? No. Bill, you break out the iron cruciforms. Gus, start stabbing the hoses into virgins. Carl, I'm so sorry -- you're on Batchild patrol."This is actually an undoctored picture of a fire at a chemical factory in the Netherlands . It took 150 firefighters to put out the flames, and while the plant burned completely to the ground, no injuries were recorded despite the toxic fumes. Though surrounding citizens were warned to stay inside to avoid possible respiratory infections and rampaging Balrogs.
His Shadow Shall Block the SkyThis is what happens immediately after you finish signing that contract with Satan, and all you're left with is a mysteriously echoing laugh. This is the Fourth Sign of the Coming, right before the ground starts bleeding but just after all cats disappear from the Earth. This is how you know God is displeased with your selection of Pope.OK, so it's actually a picture of
The Earth Shall BleedWhat, you thought I was kidding about the Dark Eclipse coming right before the Earth starts bleeding? What kind of horrible jackass would joke about something like that? This is a picture of, no shit,
His Servants Are Among UsLet's be fair: This is just a portrait of
Beware His Little MessengersIf doves are the messengers of the Lord, then the
On a Fiery Steed He Rides...This is either a picture of the exact moment that Satan busted out his hot rod and started tearing ass into the apocalypse, or else poor Marty's stuck right at 87 MPH again. This photo was
In His Unholy HouseThe entrance to hell is a labyrinth. A vast, snaking maze of caverns bathed in fire, where the lost and the damned wander, uncertain and afraid, for untold eons. The fires burn so hot and for so long in those twisted, screaming caves that the rock itself melts and drips down like water. The burning liquid passes through skin like air; it fuses to bone. This is the only rain in hell. And the crazy thing? That's
The Gate to His RealmThere are many different versions of the devil, and many interpretations of what it means for him to walk the Earth. Some say he is but a corruption of our best intentions, and that we invite him in when we are dishonest. Others say that Satan is a literal being, but it's his son who will return to the world, born of a woman to trick us into believing he is human. Me? I say the devil is like Shaft: Just ain't no need to be subtle when you're a badass motherfucker and everybody knows it. He's going to kick open the doors of hell and charge in, guns blazing and guitars wailing. And by the looks of these pictures, that happened a long time ago: This is an area outside of Darvaz in Uzbekistan. The locals call it (surprise!)
"Whut? So we inadvertantly shatter bonds holding shut doors of hell. How would YOU get equipment back- gas masks? Ha! Mess up your hair. Cannot go clubbing afterward."
You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or follow him on Twitter and Facebook or you could just find religion (PROTIP: Don't look directly for it. You've got to kind of unfocus your eyes a little. Like, look in the middle distance - it'll just kind of pop up.)