The 7 Most Absurd Inventions in the History of Alcoholism
Necessity might be the mother of invention, but alcohol is the wish-granting genie: faster, more spectacular and almost infinitely more guaranteed to go wildly wrong and make you look stupid in the morning. Luckily, some people are stupid no matter what time it is and took the ideas that came to them while drunk to the patent office. Only idiots operate machinery under the influence of alcohol, but there must be special super-idiots who invent machinery while drinking the stuff.
The Cocktail Hat
Patent #4,681,244 This is a hard hat with more fluid tubes than the human body. It was invented by John D. Geddie, presumably in an attempt to solve his two most common problems: falling off bar stools and hitting his head on the ground, and being subsequently cut off by whoever saw him fall, as well as the guy who rode with him in the ambulance. His solution to these problems is both a testament to his love of booze and a symptom of multiple concussions.
Related: The Dollar Value Of Oddjob's Hat(s)
Beerbrella
Patent Application #US 2003/0075208 A1
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Meat Beer
Patent #US 7,037,541 B2Mr. Okada says he just wants to provide new drinks for the world and "achieve a wider range of alcohol content." If only every madman cutting up chunks of flesh and dissolving them in acid was so well-intentioned. Combining leftover meat parts and bizarre chemical experimentation isn't brewing, it's how you build Frankenstein's monster. HisRelated: The London Beer Flood: The Alcoholic 'Act Of God'
Deep-Fried Beer
Patent Application #US2001/0014320 A1Mark Zable started with "unhealthy food tastes good" they same way Einstein started with "I don't think space is flat," chasing the thought through an insane level of work to a reality-redefining result: deep-fried beer. His patent-pending process blends beer with acid-dissolved bone meal and animal skin, coats it in batter, throws the whole thing in hot burning oil and screams raw hatred at hearts and livers. But those already dead cannot hear. This is less a fried snack than a personal vendetta against the transplant industry.We're not saying this is a drunken flash of genius scribbled on the back of a napkin four hungry hours into a drinking session, but here's the entire schematic on the front of the patent application.
Related: Taco Bell Did What We All Knew It Would: Stuffed A Fried Chicken Sandwich In A Taco
The Worst Game in the World
Patent Application #US2004/0188942 A1Mark Trokan's invented a "nonalcoholic beer-pong game system," so his other inventions must be a social network for Halo players and a flavorless inhaler with all the health benefits of regular bacon. The only other people to extract the horrible parts of something so precisely are cancer surgeons. The whole point of beer pong is getting drunk enough to engage in unhygienically sticking things into fluid with strangers.Related: The 20 Worst NES Games of All-Time
Beer Bottle Fruit Clip
Patent Application #US2011/0042343 A1
Related: Beer From a Super Soaker? No. Champagne From the Bottle.
The Beer Belly
Patent Application #US2007/0056998 A1The "system for beverage storage and concealment" is the exact same idea everyone who's ever paid for stadium beer has had. And Lee Tyler Olson is the worst inventor of all of them.
Luke McKinney spent the last week shoving scorpions into his face and discovering that 911 needs to add an Emergency Natural Selection service.
For other inventions of insanity, check out The 7 Most Terrifying Sex Toys Ever Patented and 9 Self-Defense Gadgets Your Mugger Will Find Hilarious.