The 15 Most Diabolical Things Bart Simpson Has Gotten Detention For
Bart Simpson has spent more than three decades chained to a blackboard. The sheer number of repetitive sentences he’s produced on it rivals the complete works of Stephen King, single-handedly kept chalk producers in business and left Springfield’s premier delinquent with a wrist with the strength of industrial machinery.
At the same time, Bart’s self-inflicted Sisyphean misfortune has been a source of delight for eagle-eyed viewers of The Simpsons, pausing the opening credits to read what fans refer to as a “chalkboard gag.” Unfortunately, the show only unleashes a handful of chalkboard gags each season, perhaps feeling that they’ve worn out their welcome as the series nears 800 episodes (stating in 2001, “Nobody reads these anymore”), or have become outdated (asking in 2005, “Does any kid still do this anymore?”).
But like the show itself, the gag isn’t dead yet. And like the episodes they’re attached to, not all chalkboard crimes are created equal. In the purgatory of Springfield Elementary detention, Bart has had to atone for everything from the minor (“Rocktober is not followed by Blowvember”), to affecting the fabric of reality (“I will not violate the laws of entropy”). Nestled in between are some truly dark admissions, crimes that should have no connection to a fourth grader.
Sure, this allows the writers to flex their dark humor muscles, but it also has us wondering what horrors lurk in Bart’s permanent file. Because again, Bart has done some messed-up things during the school day, sometimes more than once. These are the worst of the wost…
‘I will not encourage others to fly’ and ‘I will not teach others to fly’
Bart is apparently encouraging others (overly optimistic, possibly stupid, presumably children) to jump out of windows, knowing they’ll fall to their deaths. Still, it could have been worse:
‘I am not a dentist’
What sick experiments is Bart performing on his classmates or class pets? Although in fairness, this could have been a Homer back-up suggestion.
‘High explosives and school don’t mix’
Possibly a ridiculous idea in 1991, but now (sadly) not so much. Bart should’ve been expelled for this.
‘I will not torment the emotionally frail’
He’s either teasing his sensitive classmates and/or his teachers. Either way, he was being a dick.
‘I will not aim for the head’
This could be just a harmless reference to playing a school sport like dodgeball, but then again…
‘Five days is not too long to wait for a gun’
...maybe not. Like the dynamite gag but more real, this is possibly the worst aging gag for Bart to have written in a classroom (or in America in general).
‘I will not fake seizures’
Bart was likely just doing this to get out of a test, but it’s another dick move, especially since the staff would likely question any future student’s real seizures going forward.
‘I will not prescribe medication’
Okay, I’ll say it: Bart doesn’t mind killing people. Presumably, other students. Though admittedly his patients probably have a better survival rate than those of Dr. Nick.
‘Organ transplants are best left to the professionals’
Again, what sick experiments is Bart performing on his classmates and/or class pets?
‘I will not dissect things unless instructed’
Like I said, what sick experiments…
‘Nerve gas is not a toy’
See above. Also, see the Geneva Conventions.
‘Pain is not the cleanser’ and ‘Fire is not the cleanser’
I’m thinking Bart was in a situation where he was brutally torturing someone and, of course, just got detention. It was not “cleansed,” so he then tried to burn the school down — detention again. (I’m beginning to think maybe detention as a deterrent doesn’t work.)
‘I was not touched ‘there’ by an angel’
Television reference aside, Bart is falsely reporting the sexual assault of a child and damaging the stellar reputation of angels. We can only imagine the shrieks Ned Flanders unleashed upon hearing this news.