5 Reasons Life With Epilepsy is Weirder Than You Think

With my type of seizures, I fall down and get injured a lot (see The Case of the Crimson Bookshelf, above). When I was working as a babysitter, I had black eyes all the time. I didn't want to tell them that I had seizures, because I didn't want them to mistakenly assume that I couldn't watch their kids. I ended up using the old domestic violence excuses, like "I walked into a door" or "I just fell over." I was dating a buff guy at the time, and people would always give him looks on the street because of it. They assumed he was beating me. It can actually be a strain on a relationship.

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It really doesn't help when you try to explain, "No, it was all my fault."

Plus, you wouldn't believe how many people have hit on me specifically because I have epilepsy. And they cut to the chase. The first thing they ask is if I've ever had a seizure during sex. I don't get it -- a seizure is by no means an attractive thing, and if one happened while you were having sex with me, you almost certainly wouldn't enjoy it. Unless you also enjoy things like necrophilia, in which case, you're a real catch, huh?

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"We met on OKCavader."

The pickup lines mostly happened when I was in college, but it wasn't the typical jockish douchebag frat guys that you're all picturing. Almost every guy who found my epilepsy hot was the artsy, guitar-playing, skinny hipster variant of douchebag. I'm guessing it's because a lot of them thought of themselves as sensitive and quirky, but weren't quite sure where to draw the line. I promise you that line is long before "I want to bang your disease."

Most of my seizures are caused by sleep deprivation and stress these days, but I haven't exactly made the rave scene lately, so who's to say it isn't still an issue?

It's hard for me to travel (jet lag is a unique combination of stress and sleep deprivation, like the peanut butter and jelly of seizure inducement). I can't go out and party with my friends because, again, if I don't get enough sleep, I'll have a seizure. I'm in my 20's now, and I recently got back from the first trip I've ever taken on my own. It was sort of hard to enjoy, because I was constantly worried about what would happen if I had a seizure while traveling alone -- not an unrealistic scenario, what with all these dudes who apparently start jerking when they see a girl jerking.

Everyday tasks that no one else thinks about suddenly become daunting and horrifying. I sometimes worry that my dog might run into traffic if I have a seizure while walking her. I get nervous while cooking over the stove. My dentist tells me that I'll probably have to have a root canal someday because of the nerve damage that falling on my face so many times has caused. Falling in the shower can cause serious injury to anyone. How fast can you get safely to your ass in a slippery bathtub? Because I only know about three seconds before a seizure hits me, and then I'm gone. Walking up a flight of stairs suddenly becomes a huge risk. What happens if you have a seizure halfway up? The short answer is "gravity." If you go swimming alone and have a seizure, say "yo" to the cast of The Abyss and Aquaman, because you're all breathing water. Some more successfully than others.

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"Not as easy as it looks, huh motherfucker?"

If you see a seizure on TV, the victim will be violently shaking while a team of doctors holds them down and shoves something in their mouth so they don't swallow their own tongue. In reality, it's impossible to swallow your own tongue, and if you try force-feeding your wallet to a seizure victim, you might seriously injure them - you're forcing their mouth open while they're clenching it shut, which can break the jaw. The best thing you can do for them is roll them on their side, make sure something soft is under their head, then let them ride it out like a bad acid trip. In fact, it's not even that bad. The person having the seizure isn't conscious -- it's not a painful or uncomfortable experience. You simply black out. Acid Trip Guy has to deal with those bird-things from The Dark Crystal pecking him from the inside out; seizure girl just falls over, then wakes up with people staring at her uncomfortably.

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And a sudden craving for leather.

There are a ton of different types of seizures. Tonic/clonic seizures are the dramatic TV fodder. Those are the types of seizures I have, but they don't look nearly as cinematic in real life: you turn so pale you're almost blue, there's a contorted look on your face, and you start shaking. More like a Smurf getting the electric chair than a damsel in distress being possessed by demons. There are also absence seizures (fainting for a couple of seconds), atonic seizures (you ragdoll when your muscles all give out at once), and myoclonic seizures (everyone gets these, like when your limbs jerk as you fall asleep), to name a few.

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It's like an all-ages club with no cover, but "Shake It Off" on endless repeat.

So hey, there you go -- if you've ever had a dream that you were falling and jerked awake, you are technically a seizure victim. Go nab yourself some of that sweet possibly-necrophiliac-guy-that-brings-an-acoustic-guitar-to-a-party ass.

For more insider's perspective, check out 5 Shocking Ways the Modern World Screws Blind People. And then check out 23 Horrifying Diseases You Won't Believe Existed.

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