13 Jokes from Laurie Kilmartin for the Comedy Hall of Fame
If your show needs good jokes written quickly, you hire Laurie Kilmartin. If you’ve seen her on Last Comic Standing or her multiple appearances on various talk shows, from Jimmy Kimmel to Oprah, you’d know this. But even if you didn’t, you’ve already laughed at her work. Every irreverent comedy show you’ve enjoyed over the past 20 years, from The Late, Late Show to Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn to Conan, has had the good sense to put Kilmartin on their staff.
What makes Kilmartin stand out from most is her relentless ability to transform her personal pain into humor, whether it’s the struggles of being a single mom, the way the relationship with her son’s father ended or the rough painful deaths of her parents. Kilmartin can take all that in and flip it into grade-A hilarity without her or her audiences turning cynical.
Which is more than enough reason to induct some of her best jokes and bits into the Comedy Hall of Fame...
On Her Favorite Part of Sex
“My favorite part of sex is when a guy has an orgasm. Because that’s the only time a man is completely defenseless. If there was an earthquake during a guy’s orgasm, he couldn’t even save his own life. That’s why men and women never climax together; one of us has to be alert so we can pull our partner to a doorway where they can ejaculate in safety.”
On Wanting to Lose Child Custody
“My son is 11 years old now. I can’t believe he’s already 11; I remember when he was so tiny he fit on the front steps of a Catholic church.”
On Love and Children
“Statistically, some of you will be single parents. Sorry, I have bad news for you: Love dies, and children live.”
On Having a Half-Mexican Son
“(My son) and I went to Arizona last August, which was a mistake. We’re in a sandbox, making castles, and this old white lady starts looking at us. She’s like worried, and she finally just blurts out, ‘Are you his mom?’ So I decided to worry her further and said, ‘No, I’m his nanny. We’re taking care of them now.’”
On Raising a Boy Versus Raising a Girl
“Girls have like 4,000 emotions, boys have three, and two of those are erection-related.”
On the American Response to COVID
On Discovering Infidelity
“My son’s father and I, we’re not together. He cheated on me. I found emails from the other woman. One of the emails said, ‘You have a handsome penis.’ I was like, ‘Oh my God, he’s cheating on me with a blind woman.’”
On Her Mother’s Death from COVID
During the height of the pandemic, Kilmartin’s mother caught the virus at her nursing facility. As comedians typically do when they’re coping, Kilmartin made jokes as she watched her mother pass away, unable to be present since the hospital didn’t want anyone to potentially get infected. Kilmartin tweeted out her pain through dark humor as she and her sister said goodbye to their mother via FaceTime.
On How to Get Men to Wear a Condom
One of Kilmartin’s killer closers early in her stand-up career was acting out how she negotiates with her partner’s penis into wearing a condom. This bit has to be seen, not read. A perfect blend of vocal and physical comedy.
On Pizza Preservation
“I decided that if I ever catch my son watching porn, how I will handle it is I will sit down and watch it with him. Because what better way to deter him from watching more porn than the memory of his mother commenting on it. I will ruin it for him! I’ll be like, ‘Honey, ah, note, women don’t make that noise. If a woman ever makes that noise, it’s because she’s really behind on her rent.’”
On Teaching Her 10-Year-Old Boundaries
“I have a 10-year-old son, and already at age 10, we’ve had multiple discussions on masturbation etiquette. I was like, ‘Please do not knock on mom’s door when she’s masturbating.’ Get your own apple juice; I’m working on my own juice box.”
Prior to coping with her mother’s death, Kilmartin used humor to process her father’s death in 2015. As her dad was in hospice, Kilmartin tweeted out jokes to make sense of the pain and would compile them into a hilarious special that’s equal parts stand-up showcase and a documentary titled 45 Jokes About My Dead Dad.