Colin Quinn Says The Only Thing That Truly Defines Us Is Our Browser History

Saturday Night Live alumnus and former “Weekend Update” anchor Colin Quinn isn’t yet widely known as a philosopher, but the press tour for his off-Broadway one man show Small Talk might just change that.

Yesterday, the Brooklyn-born standup appeared on Live with Kelly and Ryan where he discussed the ethos behind his latest stage production, and he shared some wisdom that cut us to the core. Western thinkers have debated the nature of the self since long before Descartes proclaimed “I think, therefore I am,” but Quinn has finally settled the debate as it applies to 2023.

According to Quinn, the only thing that defines us is the last thing that we Googled.

When asked about his latest show, Quinn, a veritable veteran of New York stages, waxed poetic and tried to explain the complex thoughts he was working through in Small Talk. “So here’s my new latest theory,” Quinn began, “So identity is who the government says you are, like your license … your personality is who the people that know you think you are.”

Quinn continued, “Your reputation is who the people that don’t know you think you are, and your social media presence, your profile is who you think you are,” before hitting us with his final wave of cold, clear truth, saying, “and your browser history is who you are.” 

This has long been Quinn’s M.O. – unpretentious and unflinching contemplations on the human condition. The New York mainstay has explored issues of the personal and the historic through his impressive stage career, and Small Talk seems to be a continuation of that constant line of questioning. 

When asked about his own browser history – and thus his own true self – Quinn commented that it mostly contains “a lotta Waffle House fights. There’s nothing like a live, spontaneous McDonalds or Waffle House fight.” In that case, our true selves are apparently Colin Quinn.