12 of the Best ‘Weekend Update’ Jokes So Far This ‘SNL’ Season

October 1, 2022

“In a speech after annexing sections of Ukraine, Vladimir Putin attacked the U.S. for ‘satanism’ and denounced the ‘many genders in fashion in the U.S.’ It was a hateful, unhinged speech which has many Americans calling him ‘electable.’”

“Police in Florida say that multiple shots were fired during a fight outside of a Chuck E. Cheese, but there were no victims located. Hmm… Maybe check the pizza?”

October 8, 2022

“A review of studies published by Dr. Oz revealed that his experiments killed over 300 dogs, but eventually, he got the recipe right. Dr. Oz has refused to comment on the report — though it’s possible he couldn’t hear the question over the woodchipper. But don’t worry, Dr. Oz won everybody back last night, when he gave a speech in front of Hitler’s car. Worse, he then got in the car and backed over a dog.”

“Tuesday was National Vodka Day. Oh, so that’s why my dad called.”

October 15, 2022

“Kanye West’s anti-Semitic tweets were condemned by the Black-Jewish Entertainment Alliance — look, just say Lenny Kravitz! After West’s unhinged social media posts, Elon Musk tweeted, ‘Talked to Ye today & expressed my concerns about his recent tweet, which I think he took to heart.’ Well, that settles it. If there’s one thing we trust Elon with, it’s successfully reading another human being’s emotional cues.”

“Pebbles, who was the world’s oldest living dog, died at the age of 22. But it’s okay, his owners knew this was coming… If they didn’t keep him off my yard.”

October 30, 2022

“The Postal Service announced a new stamp honoring the late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. There’s also a stamp that honors Clarence Thomas that says, ‘Flip me over and start licking.’”

November 5, 2022

“An Arizona woman was arrested after she allegedly went day drinking while her five-month-old child was sitting home alone — like a loser.”

November 12, 2022

“A woman in Delaware won $400,000 after hitting back-to-back lottos in the same day. But the woman says she’s still going to keep her day job — forging lottery tickets.”

“Apple is saying that COVID in China has led to a slowdown in iPhone production. Wow, so I guess the new variant does affect children.”

December 3, 2022

“There’s growing support to move the first Democratic primary from Iowa to South Carolina. But why would you move it to another boring state? Start the primaries with a bang — in Florida! Instead of watching a politician eat a corn dog at the Iowa State Fair, imagine Pete Buttigieg smoking meth shirtless at GatorLand, as he battles for the state’s key demographic: Grandmas under 30.”

“The World Health Organization is changing the name of monkeypox to ‘mpox’ due to concerns that the original could be considered racist, which I really didn’t think was an issue, but now I’m just wondering: What’s the ‘N’ in ‘N-95’?”