For sending drugs to patients' homes, we use a fairly insecure system: plain ol' UPS. Assuming relatives didn't take the drugs and blame the mailman, a lot of these boxes get stolen off of porches. I don't know how thieves can spot what to steal from the street. There must be mobs of tweakers out there, carefully inspecting every package you get on the off chance that it's medical-grade heroin this time instead of another book about boning dinosaurs (or whatever it is you normally order online).
There's A Lot Of Drama In The Hospice Ward
Around 1:00 one morning, I was called in for a death pronouncement on a woman who resided in an assisted living facility. I went about my usual routine, calling the funeral home and the patient's emergency contact. I had to tell the latter that, due to the very common misconception that all hospice patients have default "do not resuscitate" orders, their loved one died because of the response team's neglect.
An hour later, that emergency contact -- a family member -- arrived, screaming loud enough to wake the dead. Which, unfortunately, does not work. Otherwise, that problem would have fixed itself. Soon, more family members arrived -- cousins, nieces, nephews, grand-uncles, dog-walkers -- every one of them hollering and crying. One saw the body and instantly threw herself on the floor, shaking violently. Then she got up and lay atop the corpse, still crying and shouting. Remember, this wasn't the funeral. The patient had died hours before, was not embalmed, and was probably leaking all kinds of fluids.
As we've mentioned before, bodies get disgusting way faster than most people realize.
It was close to 4:00 a.m. before the funeral home arrived to pick up the body and those distraught family members started to leave. That reaction seems Hollywood-caliber extreme to most of us, but maybe that's because we don't have anybody who loves us enough to go Pentecostal at our passing.
Ryan Menezes is an editor and interviewer here at Cracked. Follow him on Twitter for stuff cut from this article and other things no one should see.
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