5 Horrifying Truths About Funeral Homes (From an Undertaker)

We are the architects of some of your worst memories: a dimly lit funeral home, adorned with flowers, and usually a now-deceased elderly relative or family friend on display for everyone to gawk at. For the last seven years, my job has been to recreate that same scene hundreds if not thousands of times.

My work as a mortician and funeral director has exposed me to a part of life that is always in the back of our minds, but that we perpetually shut out. And yes, it gets ugly ...

#5. Embalming Is More Gruesome Than You Think


First of all, we really do try to be as gentle and respectful with the bodies as possible. But ultimately, the process of getting a body ready for viewing is something most normal people would call "nightmarish."

Rolphot/iStock/Getty Images
"Whatcha got in there? Blood? Yeeeeeeah, that's gonna have to go."

The first step to embalming someone is to check the paperwork, to make sure the person we have on the table is in fact the person we're supposed to embalm -- it is surprisingly common for the hospital or nursing home to give us the wrong body. After that, we disinfect the body and begin a process called setting the features, where we pose and manipulate the person's face to give them that "just sleeping" appearance. Since your eyes have a tendency to recess into your head postmortem, we put in little plastic cups called eye caps to avoid that sunken look. The caps also have little plastic ridges that dig into your eyelids to keep them from popping open during the viewing. While that would be considered hilarious in, say, an Adam Sandler movie, it's really the kind of thing we try to avoid.

Next, we take a device called a needle injector and shoot a needle and wire into your gums. We thread the needle around your upper and lower jaw (and sometimes up through your septum) to keep your mouth closed and centered. We also take this opportunity to pack your nose, rectum, and vagina (where applicable) with cotton to prevent "leakage" into the casket.

deeepblue/iStock/Getty Images
You'd be amazed at how watertight your body isn't.

The next step is arterial embalming. We take two cannulas and insert them into a major artery and vein -- usually your common carotid and internal jugular -- and then drain your blood, replacing it with a cocktail of embalming fluids and water called formalin. We massage the body to relieve rigor mortis and push the formalin into the tissues, which can sometimes push blood clots into other areas of the body, and can cause erections in men. Sometimes, the pressure relieves itself naturally after a few hours. Other times, we have to duct tape the optimistic gentleman's woody to his leg so that it isn't a distraction during the viewing.

Once that is done, we aspirate your abdominal cavity. After you die, blood pools in your organs, and arterial embalming removes only a fraction of your body's blood. We also do this to remove various other bodily fluids, as well as any urine or feces that wasn't expelled when you died (which totally happens). To do this, we use a vacuum-like device called an aspirator that has an enormous 20-inch needle topped with one of these tips that totally aren't based off medieval torture devices:

Embalmer's Supply
"Dammit, where is the big tip!"

We insert the needle above your navel and then sweep it through your gut ("fanning") to suck everything out. During one of the first embalmings I ever did, I wasn't paying attention, and the aspirator got backed up. I had forgotten to put on the mask you're supposed to wear, so when I pulled out the clogged aspirator, it sprayed poop everywhere, including in my mouth.

Yes, welcome to my world.

#4. We Can Repair Almost Anything

Ron Chapple Stock/Ron Chapple Studios/Getty Images

The majority of people who come into our home have at least one open-casket viewing, even for those who choose cremation. This can present a problem because of the staggering number of very violent ways you can die. We had a homicide victim who had been stabbed over a dozen times and then set on fire. We've had a depressing number of people with self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the head and chest. I've even dealt with a decapitation. And, with very few exceptions, they've all had open caskets.

Digital Vision./Photodisc/Getty
And even a couple of marionette funerals! Or they could have been, if anyone ever picked that option. But very few ever do.

Restoration is as much an art form as it is a science, and with a good mortician, there's very little that can't be fixed. We have a wide range of tools at our disposal, depending on what needs to be done. Some of the stuff is pretty basic, like covering bruises and cuts with wax and cosmetics. If the person had heavy injuries to their head, we can rebuild large portions of their skull using a special type of putty, wax, or plaster of Paris. We can reattach severed limbs using special materials to rebuild the damaged bone and muscle.

So for instance, to fix a decapitation, you use a wooden dowel to rejoin the head and body, then suture the neck back together. With a little wax and cosmetics, they can even wear a normal shirt or dress. And in cases where we can't fully repair everything, sometimes simple tricks like tilting their head a certain way, putting a hat on them, or just dimming the lights is enough to conceal the problem. Remember, the body just has to lay there; you don't need your fixes to hold up for a wide range of Weekend at Bernie's shenanigans.

Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"Grandma looks so natural. I don't remember her ever owning a Native American headdress, though."

One of the most difficult clients I ever had was a guy who had been run over by a forklift and dragged several yards. He was torn in half below his midsection, with multiple puncture wounds and mangled legs, on top of abrasions and injuries to his face. We had to embalm the sections of him separately using a technique called sectional injection and let him sit overnight until everything was firm and dry. The next morning, my co-worker and I spent half a day piecing this gentleman back together, stitch by stitch. I sutured his abdomen back together, sewing around his genitalia and buttocks, while my co-worker held his legs up so I could get a good look.

When we were done, he was able to have an open casket. And that's why we go through all of this. It matters to people to be able to see their loved one a final time, as they remembered them. There is a reason humans have been doing this for thousands of years. Even if it is just for the family, those 10 minutes matter.

Photos.com/Photos.com/Getty Images
Or, if you're Egyptian, those 10,000 years matter.

But keep in mind, the ugliness doesn't start with the body preparation ...

#3. Removing Bodies from Homes Is Just the Worst

tyler olson/iStock/Getty Images

When you die, your family decides what funeral home they want to use, and then we get a call to come pick up the body. Doing a removal at the hospital or a nursing home is generally pretty easy. You show up, make sure all the paperwork is in order, and collect your passenger. Doing a removal at a private residence, however, can be a ... well, a nightmare.

With the exception of patients on hospice, people who die at home usually die suddenly or unexpectedly, so the family is already experiencing a higher-than-normal level of grief, and then I show up to take their loved one away. I am not always a welcomed house guest, which is understandable because, let's face it, I'm basically the Grim Reaper to them.

Jupiterimages/liquidlibrary/Getty Images
"Sorry for your loss."
"Oh yeah, then why does funeral home start with f-u-n?"

We are always respectful of the families and give them time to say their goodbyes, but at the same time, we have a schedule to keep and need to get the body back to the funeral home as soon as possible. It becomes a very delicate balancing act between giving the family their space and getting your job done in a timely manner.

Even getting everything ready for the removal can be very upsetting to the family. We always plan out our escape route and rearrange furniture so that we don't trip over a wayward coffee table. Unfortunately, family members tend to want to keep everything in the person's room as they left it, and I'm in there touching their stuff and moving it around, already reminding them that their loved one is no longer around to complain. This is one of the reasons that we usually ask that the family wait in another room or outside until we're done.

Hemera Technologies/Photos.com/Getty Images
"Make sure you leave Grandpa's marbles on the floor, next to his banana peel collection. He would have wanted them that way."

Another reason is that ... bodies get dropped. It just happens. Again, funny when Rob Schneider does it in a movie, not so funny when the family is standing around wailing in grief.

I once went on a removal for a very large woman who had died in the second story of her house. Because our stretcher doesn't do narrow stairs very well, we decided to carry her down to the first floor. I was designated as part of the three-person team to carry her down, while the other two FDs waited with the stretcher below. I was backing slowly down the stairs, holding the woman's feet, when one of the two guys carrying her upper body stumbled and caused them both to drop her. She immediately began sliding down the stairs, and when I wasn't able to stop her by myself, I abandoned ship and began running down the stairs with this poor woman tobogganing after me like I was Indiana Jones.

NA/AbleStock.com/Getty Images
An apt comparison, because I, too, hate snakes.

One of the guys at the top of the stairs slid down after her and was able to nudge her far enough that she turned diagonally and got stuck between the two walls. After taking a minute to catch our breath, we picked her back up, put her on the stretcher, and took her outside to her waiting family.

So, yeah, not the sort of thing you want spectators around to witness. Speaking of which ...

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!