3 Handy Tips For Not Looking Like Jeffrey Epstein's Friend

Despite having been pushed off this mortal coil, the ghost of Jeffrey Epstein still casts a long shadow -- both over his victims and his friends who are still scrambling to explain why they partied with the CEO of child molestation. This includes Prince Andrew, Duke of York and Queen Elizabeth's large adult son, who got into a spot of trouble when he was accused by victim Virginia Giuffre of raping her in 2001 when she was 17. But in setting the record straight, Prince Andrew has created the perfect template for other Epstein associates who want to remove any doubt that they're all a bunch of shifty pervs.

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Tip #1: Use Reverse Psychology

While Prince Edward's interview with BBC's Emily Maitlis contained more gems than the St. Edward's Crown, perhaps his most brazen excuse occurred before addressing Giuffre's allegations when he was simply asked to justify vacationing at Epstein's mansion. In response, Prince Edward did not just turn the tables, he flipped them like a drunk moose at a picnic area, countering that this scandalous behavior was a result of his "tendency to be too honourable."

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You see, dear chap, an honorable man does not just end a relationship over the telephone, Prince Edward proclaimed, a Union Jack suddenly waving behind him. Instead, a true gentleman goes back to the den of sin and breaks up with his pedo friend face to face. While spending four days there. As the guest of honor. During a party celebrating Epstein's release from prison for pimping out underage girls. After all, doing any less would have besmirched not only his honor but the honor of the British monarchy. So what choice did he have than to go and get foot massages?

Tip #2: Expose Lies With Science (While Not Using Any Science)

If for some reason, people won't just take your word as a gentleman that you don't rape minors, it's time to lay down cold hard science proving your innocence. And Prince Edward had that in spades -- if you ignore the dictionary definition of science, or proof. You see, Giuffre had claimed that, before the sex, he had been sweating on the dancefloor trying to impress her, but how could that be true when (dramatic sting) Prince Andrew doesn't sweat!? According to the Prince, her story is medically impossible because at the time he had lost the ability to sweat because of "an overdose of adrenalin in the Falkland's [sic] War" only having regained the ability to rapidly stain his pits just in time for this interview. And to quote the late, great Johnnie Cochran: If you can't sweat, you can't take a minor to bed.

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Tip #3: Be Specific In Your Alibi -- Like, Too Specific

Wait, people still aren't convinced after all that gibberish? Not to fret, as the wise Prince shows, the truth shall always set you free. So it's time to whip out an ironclad alibi with so many weird yet easily checked details people will be forced to assume you're either being embarrassingly honest or have the deceptive capabilities of a five-year-old standing next to a broken vase.

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Your accuser claims you had drinks in a seedy nightclub called Tramp? Not true, because you don't know where the bar is in this small venue you've visited dozens of times before. She publishes a photo of you two in London pawing her exposed waist? Not true, because you're only wearing a shirt in that picture and, as a prince, it's physically impossible to not "wear a suit and a tie" when in the kingdom. And if she claims you spent the entire day grinding on her in a public space? Not true, because, umm, because you were in a Pizza Express in the small town of Woking? Yeah, that's it. You, a royal, went to a random pizza joint and nobody recognized you because it's such an "unusual thing" to happen.

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Whatever you do, just don't stop overwhelming with details upon implausible detail. Then, assume that, somehow, the adoring public will back you up on these claims -- which they will, just not in the way you were hoping.

Bonus Tip: Be Royalty

Now, if for some reason, this handy guide for proving you're not part of an underage sex ring has made you seem so suspicious that people are now insisting you hand yourself over to the authorities, it's time to pull the trump card with a capital T. Take a deep breath, center your mind, and be a powerful old man who is almost impossible to arrest or try for any crimes he commits simply because his ancestors had the fanciest chair in the land. Just follow these rules, and justice will prevail. The justice the kind that men like you wrote, at least.

For more weird tangents and light treason, do follow Cedric on Twitter.

For more, check out A Vengeful Taylor Swift Unleashes Hell (And Tweens) and Meet Quilty, The Leader Of Several Cat Shelter Jail Breaks.

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