A Vengeful Taylor Swift Unleashes Hell (And Tweens)

Those who control the master tapes control the world.
A Vengeful Taylor Swift Unleashes Hell (And Tweens)

In the fickle, cutthroat domain of celebrity musicians, few wield as much power as Taylor Swift. She has been crowned the new Queen of Pop, an ideal version of Michael Jackson (in that Jackson was trying to slowly metamorphose into Swift). And like a queen, she has come to lay war at the feet of great men and break the chains of their ownership. But in doing so, she may have given up the moral high ground, unleashing her shrieking hordes to scream bloody vengeance and- Did I rabbit-hole my way to the Daenerys Targaryen wiki page again?

Nope, it seems that Swift has invoked her most foul and toxic weapon, her roving mobs of Swifties, and pointed it straight at her enemies. Over the past few months, she has been fighting with mogul Scooter Braun, who during the summer sneakily bought the rights to six of Swift's seven albums. But despite having a villain named "Scooter" and sounding like the plot of a late '00s Disney Channel movie (starring, appropriately, Taylor Swift), this is a serious threat to her career.

Swift has been locked out her back catalog, in the same way John Mayer has been locked out of her houses. For the crime of daring to re-record her work, she's now apparently banned from using her old songs in her upcoming Netflix documentary or during her performance at the American Music Awards, where she's being awarded Artist of the Decade -- for music she no longer owns. Out of options, Swift turned to Twitter on Thursday, ordering her fanbase to "lease let Scooter Braun and Scott Burchetta know how you feel about this," leaving the details of how up to them.

Would they boycott the companies? Organize a petition? Send them a bunch of subpar edible arrangements with strongly worded notes attached? Of course not. They immediately started doxxing and harassing Braun and Burchetta online.

A Vengeful Taylor Swift Unleashes Hell (And Tweens)
Frederick M. Brown /Getty Images
"Wouldn't it be, like, totally random if you guys brought me their severed heads on a spike?"

And it's hard to believe that Swift didn't know exactly what was going to happen when she posted that call to arms. Swifties have a reputation for zealous crusades against anything and everything that stands in the way of their queen's domination. Also, the grace period for pretending not to know how dangerous it is to incite internet mobs has long passed. Just this week, a college student got thousands of people sicced on her because a millionaire YA novelist was offended that the student didn't think her novels were syllabus material. And as if the slope hadn't been slicked up enough, Swift also brought her big fan boot down other artists, like Justin Bieber and Demi Lovato, for not taking her side.

Swift is fully justified in her fight against a couple of business bros and The Carlyle Group -- an organization so shady and evil that it wouldn't be surprising if it turned out their office is carved into the side of an active volcano. But does that warrant the deployment of a payload as nuclear as a rabid fanbase? It doesn't make Swift another bad guy in this, right? Right?

Cedric does not have a Twitter account. Nope. No sir. Any Taylor Swift fans reading this should just move on.

For more, check out 'The Simpsons' Looks Like Crap On Disney+, Time To Riot and Reminder: Europe Hates Roman Polanski Too.

Also, we'd love to know more about you and your interesting lives, dear readers. If you spend your days doing cool stuff, drop us a line at iDoCoolStuff at Cracked dot com, and maybe we can share your story with the entire internet.

Follow us on Facebook. Or don't. It's your life.

Scroll down for the next article
Forgot Password?