4 Reasons Mark Zuckerberg Is A Garbage Supervillain

4

Not Even A Death Ray Can Make Him Look Cool

Zuckerberg does have the raw potential to be a proper comic book villain. Just look at the time he invited Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey over for dinner. The anecdote has everything: a dreaded competitor, a tense dinner, a live sacrifice, and best of all, a laser. And yet even with all of that going for him, Zuckerberg still managed to come out looking like the most boring dork of all time.

In 2011, Zuckerberg invited Dorsey over to his home, promising him he'd cook dinner himself. But the Twitter CEO was quite shocked when he was informed that their meal had been alive and grazing in the yard mere moments before. See, Zuckerberg had decided that for one year, he would only eat the flesh of creatures that had died by his hand (classic evil billionaire move). To that end, he kept a small stable of six goats on his premises in case he wished to sate his bloodlust. And how did he kill them? No big deal. With a laser gun. Per Rolling Stone:

Rolling Stone"I hope that answers your question of what my most normal meeting with another billionaire looked like."

Letting your rival know that you're not afraid to stare death in the eye and you have a knife and a zapper hidden somewhere nearby? Now we're cooking with gas! But what happened next? Did Zuckerberg's goat sacrifice lead to a twisted bacchanalia of roasted meats, wine, and orgies? Did he serve it under a massive domed lid, only to reveal it wasn't a goat, but Dorsey's most capable henchman? Nope, he ruined the moment by being a big-ass dork. Clearly not knowing how to cook for humans, Zuckerberg let the freshly slaughtered goat sit in the oven for half an hour, shrugged that it was probably ready, and served a slab of cold dead goat to his billionaire dinner guest. "I just ate my salad," Dorsey recalled.

Zuckerberg seriously does not know how to be a person. That's an old joke, but it is entirely based in reality. Here's the Facebook CEO showing you how to eat a piece of toast like you're an alien on Day 1 of your human mimicry class in night school:

3

Every Attempt To Make Him Seem More Human Does The Exact Opposite

On some level, you need to relate to a supervillain, even if it's just the personal tragedy that started them on the path to evil. Well, back in 2016, Zuckerberg tried out the whole "relating with other people" thing again. In the middle of the presidential debates, he uploaded a video of himself barbecuing in his backyard like a regular Joe, talking about regular Joe things like how to smoke "meat fibers," his two colors of T-shirt (gray for the weekdays, purple for those crazy weekends), and his love for / paid sponsorship by Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ sauce.

2

His "Villainous Banter" Is Painfully Awkward

A good supervillain has high-quality banter. You've got to do something with Captain America while the death ray is warming up. With that in mind, take a look at this back-and-forth between Zuckerberg and New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez about Facebook taking ad money from lying fascists, in which he displays all the stammering, evasiveness, and eye-blinking charm of an ax murderer being interviewed in the middle of doing an ax murder.

1

He Keeps Lying About His Lame Misogynistic Origin Story

According to Zuckerberg, he invented Facebook after he saw his nation torn asunder by the illegal Iraq War, and thought that a social network could stop corrupt governments in their tracks. "If more people had a voice to share their experiences, maybe things would have turned out differently," he recently said during a commencement speech, likely while staring in the vague direction of a nearby bald eagle.

That's a pretty good villainous origin story. It's got that disillusioned hero angle to it that really sells in the Bible Belt. But the folks who were with him at the start don't recall him ever mentioning the Iraq War, or freedom, or anything of the sort. In fact, plenty of people will tell you that Zuckerberg's real inspiration for Facebook came from FaceMash, a website he created in college after being rejected by a girl, where he uploaded hacked pictures of female students so that users could rank them by their appearances. Not such a great villainous origin story, unless you're going to wield a bloody bladed fedora and call yourself The Red Incel.

Though the gross venture was short-lived, Zuckerberg learned an important lesson: He really liked "the idea of comparing two people together." And that laid the groundwork for our current mimetic dystopia wherein everyone tries to one-up each others' holiday pictures. And when he finally launched TheFacebook and realized that people were such "dumb fucks" that they would trust him with all their private data ... well, the rest is history. Specifically, your browser history, which he now owns.

You can follow Cedric on social media here and you can stop Facebook from following you everywhere here.

For more, check out The Most Absurd Moments In Corporate Facebook History:

Also, we'd love to know more about you and your interesting lives, dear readers. If you spend your days doing cool stuff, drop us a line at iDoCoolStuff at Cracked dot com, and maybe we can share your story with the entire internet.

Follow us on ... uh ... Facebook.