Not Even A Death Ray Can Make Him Look Cool
Zuckerberg does have the raw potential to be a proper comic book villain. Just look at the time he invited Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey over for dinner. The anecdote has everything: a dreaded competitor, a tense dinner, a live sacrifice, and best of all, a laser. And yet even with all of that going for him, Zuckerberg still managed to come out looking like the most boring dork of all time.
In 2011, Zuckerberg invited Dorsey over to his home, promising him he'd cook dinner himself. But the Twitter CEO was quite shocked when he was informed that their meal had been alive and grazing in the yard mere moments before. See, Zuckerberg had decided that for one year, he would only eat the flesh of creatures that had died by his hand (classic evil billionaire move). To that end, he kept a small stable of six goats on his premises in case he wished to sate his bloodlust. And how did he kill them? No big deal. With a laser gun. Per Rolling Stone:
Rolling Stone"I hope that answers your question of what my most normal meeting with another billionaire looked like."
Letting your rival know that you're not afraid to stare death in the eye and you have a knife and a zapper hidden somewhere nearby? Now we're cooking with gas! But what happened next? Did Zuckerberg's goat sacrifice lead to a twisted bacchanalia of roasted meats, wine, and orgies? Did he serve it under a massive domed lid, only to reveal it wasn't a goat, but Dorsey's most capable henchman? Nope, he ruined the moment by being a big-ass dork. Clearly not knowing how to cook for humans, Zuckerberg let the freshly slaughtered goat sit in the oven for half an hour, shrugged that it was probably ready, and served a slab of cold dead goat to his billionaire dinner guest. "I just ate my salad," Dorsey recalled.
Zuckerberg seriously does not know how to be a person. That's an old joke, but it is entirely based in reality. Here's the Facebook CEO showing you how to eat a piece of toast like you're an alien on Day 1 of your human mimicry class in night school:
Every Attempt To Make Him Seem More Human Does The Exact Opposite
On some level, you need to relate to a supervillain, even if it's just the personal tragedy that started them on the path to evil. Well, back in 2016, Zuckerberg tried out the whole "relating with other people" thing again. In the middle of the presidential debates, he uploaded a video of himself barbecuing in his backyard like a regular Joe, talking about regular Joe things like how to smoke "meat fibers," his two colors of T-shirt (gray for the weekdays, purple for those crazy weekends), and his love for / paid sponsorship by Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ sauce.