Cracked Round-Up: Dick Joke Edition.


Q: Why did the Priest, the Rabbi, and the Clarinet player player go to Michigan?

A: Flesh-worm!

No, we're not proud of that. Give us a break. Do you have any idea how hard it is to work this hungover? Last night was Cracked's annual Goat Sacrifice to the Old Ones, and Swaim broke out the vodka/Windex smoothies early. We can still hear the bleating.

Bucholz kicked things off with a guide to cult ownership, while Robert Brockway showed us why you can never go home again. Seanbaby classifies modern pedestrians using famous toss-ball players. Dan O'Brien drops the curtain with a hateful and largely incoherent rant about Stevie Wonder. That'll teach the fucker.

6 Ways Your Body Loves To Screw You (Explained By Science)

Sadly, knowing why your body sucks won't help it to suck less.

Notable Comment:

"Do people actually think dinosaur and humans did NOT co-exist?!?!"

Of course not, evilmoxie. If dinosaurs and humans never co-existed, how did Ian Malcolm break his leg?

7 Inventors You Didn't Know You Wanted to Punch In the Face

Unless you're one of those people who just wants to punch everyone in the face.

Notable Comment:

"What f**kwits -.- "

Svc eloquently summarizes the article.

6 Mental Illness Myths Hollywood Wants You to Believe

Surprisingly, most Hollywood screenwriters know a lot more about cocaine and Ukrainian prostitutes than they do about mental illness.

Notable Comment:

"Haha..."hippocampus"....what is that, like, like a school for hippos? Nah I'm just kiddin' with ya, you're alright kid. "

CharlieSouth, assassins have been dispatched to your domicile. Make peace with death.

6 Hilarious Attempts at Brainwashing Kids with Comic Books

"We'll just hire some wino to write the script in exchange for whiskey. Kid's can't fuckin' read anyway."

Notable Comment:

"How the hell did you leave out the works of Jack Chick? Chick Tracts are the most fear-mongering and brain-washing thing to ever be printed in comic form! What a miss. Otherwise this was a great article. "

Sorry Alzarahn, Jack Chick's stuff is just too retarded. Even for this article.

7 Insane True Stories Behind The World's Most WTF Houses

This one goes out to all you wusses in the suburbs. If your house doesn't baffle passers-by, you aren't doing it right.

Notable Comment:

"Oh god look at spock's mustache I'm so wet right now. "

reckless abrandon's comment can stand on its own.

Agents of Cracked
The End

Swaim is dead.

If Everyone Knew The World Was Ending Tomorrow

We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Worst Job Ever.

Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.


Kids today, all they do is sit on their ass...
by Gatt

Editor's pick:

Turns out the pony's one trick was actually pretty cool.
by Versus


F*** you Nintendo, I just wanna be able sit on my couch again.
by yeahme

Editor's pick:

Sometimes the Make-a-Wish Foundation just has to go along with it.
by geniuswaitress


Lady Gaga takes charge of the KKK's custumes.
by noreport

Editor's pick:

Why can't the Grinch steal this shit instead?
by Blinker_Fluid


One giant leap in the wrong direction.
by Awesominator

Editor's pick:

It's hard to write a good craption when you have a raging erection.
by Mr.Excalibur


There are four rules to World of Warcraft Club..
by Tessica

Editor's pick:

The annual "Let's Never Do Anything Ever" parade.
by TrogdorRules


Rorschach's Journal: Sucks losing bets to Comedian.
by Soneji

Editor's pick:

Excuse me, can you tell us where they're holding Mexi-con?
by Ceveron


After the Orcs invaded, Christmas became much more fun.
by Kamikaze Phoenix

Editor's pick:

Fire. How original.
by Valthonis

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