Cracked Round-Up: Aeronautic Edition

A recent office pole has 94% of our staffers reporting as "terrified" of plane flight. Under a rule passed in a slightly-more cultish era of Cracked's history and grandfathered in by a pitiless Jack O'Brien, no employee of Cracked is allowed to succumb to fear on company time. Since the stated penalty is something called "Gargoyle Orgasm" we've all elected to take fear nullification training.

Thanks to the recession ('lude prices) Cracked can't afford to keep us in the air. But they've been gracious enough to hog-tie the owner of some rural gas station with a derelict DC-10 sitting out front. And they've welded us inside until we write the round-up. And some ghostwritten children's stories about a talking wastebasket. So, uh. Here you go.

What's that, roughly four of you out there? Still have some faith in the American political system? Not if Luke McKinney has anything to say about it. And then Soren Bowie followed up by puncturing those last vestiges of our childhood innocence with the flawed life lessons of movies. Christina looked at the stupidest things collective "we" feel proud of, while Robert Brockway let us peer in on the lives of Hollywood's greatest producers. John Cheese sent our goodwill plummeting with the stupidest things we use to judge people we haven't met. Gladstone brought Hollywood's great ruined orgasms into the picture and Seanbaby traipsed through Chinese toy stalls to find the fraying edge of cultural discourse. Dan O'Brien closed us off by boldly asking why the average "comedy" book has fewer laughs than The Pianist.

MONKEY DO

The 6 Weirdest Ways Wild Animals Are Having to Adapt to Us Ferngully was sort of right, if you only watched it once while kinda drunk.

Notable Comment: "I liked this article, but I have to admit that it made me kind of sad, in the same way that I feel when I hear the tones at a crosswalk to let blind people know that it's safe to cross, and then I hear a bird imitating the same notes exactly."

RatsonJulia, don't be sad for those birds. They've earned the greatest gift- the power to play pranks on humans.

BRAIN ZAPS

The 5 Creepiest Forms of Mind Control You're Exposed To Daily The bad news is, your free will is history. The good news is, Dodge Charger!

Notable Comment:"I just realized my car kind of looks like someone who just found out their dog died."

Gunmoll drives a Buick.

LIENCE FICTION

6 Myths Everyone Believes About Space (Thanks To Movies) The only source of lies in our life greater than movies was the very best high school teacher we ever had.

Notable Comment: "Is it true that when something explodes in space, like a death star, it ejects a ring of matter or energy, or matter/energy, which heads directly towards the observer? Because it looks cool in movies."

We don't claim to be scientists, f.coli, but we're willing to assume this one is true based on the law of "Things that are awesome, are."

SURPRISE SMASH

6 Hit Songs Written By The Last Person You'd Expect Basically, genius isn't a black and white thing. And sometimes it has terrible taste.

Notable Comment: "I remember in the 80's (before I knew Prince wrote 'Manic Monday'), I used to be so weirded out by the line, "C'mon honey, let's go make some noise..." But when I found out Prince wrote it, it made so much sense. LOL It's such a Prince line..."

You know, serval26, if you apply that same line of thought to the Bible, a terrible and beautiful thing occurs.

SORTA 'SPIRING

5 People Who Succeeded Long After They Should Have Failed In case you were wondering, yes, Cracked thinks you should quit your job, leave your family, and move to California to become a great actor / Thesaurus-maker.

Notable Comment: "alan rickman was in fact 32 when he played in romeo and juliet in a tv movie"

We appreciate the assist, randell1985, but that's not exactly inspiring.

Natural Disastronauts

How To Ruin The Best Part of Working From Home Discipline is Poison.

YOU YOU YOU!

29 Video Game Characters That Would Be Horrifying in Reality We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Cute Video Game Characters That'd Be Horrifying in Real Life, Other Movies Remade as Light-Hearted Romantic Comedies and If Classic Movies Used Viral Marketing.