CRACKED ROUND-UP: Christmas Edition!
It's that time of year again! All around the world, loving families join together under flickering Christmas trees to exchange gifts and bask in the glow of one another's love. Of course, Cracked hires mostly orphaned loners (it cuts down on medical costs), so none of us have any idea what that could be like. We've got a tree made out of coat-hangers and old jeans though, so that's something.
Oh, and schnapps. Gallons and gallons of peppermint schnapps laced with soothing formaldehyde. Merry Christmas, everyone!
Soren Bowie showed his appreciation of "lesser" people by sheathing his intellect in the words of the Common Man for a heartwarming Christmas letter. Following up was Chris Bucholz, who gave a detailed guide to the crashing of Royal Weddings. As if we needed more tips. Brockway celebrated the birth of a future undead by chronicling 6 Near Death Experiences caught on video. Seanbaby closed us off with 1969 Frosty's take on the War Against Christmas.
|5 Ridiculous Things You Probably Believe About Islam
Also, this dude in our 3rd Period History class says they all have the power to sprout wings at midnight under a full moon.
Notable Comment: "CHRISTIANS+AMERICA===>>ENSLAVEMENT+CONVERSION to CHRISTIANITY+ 400 years+RAPE+TORTURE+MURDER+JIM CROW+WHITES ONLY "
We're not certain, but we think Chlorophyll just asked us for sex. We're totally down for that if you dress like Alex Jones and pretend to be terrified.
|The 12 Most Unintentionally Disturbing Christmas Ads
Give the gift of sweet release this horribly depressing holiday season.
Notable Comment:"Is it just me or does anyone else see the drawing of a penis where the bottom of his coat lining is?"
We see it, automatongo. But we tend to see dicks in virtually every drawing, film, drug trip and advertisement we're exposed to.
|The 6 Most Horrifying Ways Hospitals Can Kill You
In conclusion, absolutely no place on earth is safe from the mighty power of human incompetence.
Notable Comment:"Great I read that in time! I'm having open heart surgery tomorrow and I'm so glad I don't have to go under the magnet! What's the worst that could happen? That I'm conscious when the doctor sets me on fire and then pumps me full of chicken soup? Wait ... do I hear the nurses already coming to wheel me away? NOT WANT!"
Fenriz218's terror means we're doing our job..
|6 Heroic Movie Deaths That Could Have Been Easily Avoided
Dammit people, Hollywood doesn't have time to edit their screenplays. We demand a constant flood of entertainment or else.
Notable Comment: "BBut you see, the death of Jean Grey wasn't for the fan*boys*: it was for the fan*girls*. After all, with Jean out of the way, Wolverine and Cyclops are now free to cry on each other. And hug. Maybe kiss a little bit? Yeah. Now grab his crotch. Oh, Wolverine likes that, doesn't he?"
Thanks Pliny, but this isn't Fanfiction.net.
|5 Creepy Christmas Traditions From Around the World
Why shouldn't the happiest day of the year ALSO be the day child-stealing demons roam the night? We're 100% OK with this.
Notable Comment: "As mentioned below, one of the MAIN things regarding the Krampus in Austria (and some places in Bavaria) is the Krampus laufen. Many people line the streets of cities and towns, and young men dressed up as these horrid Krampus (not just some s**tty costume, but really impressive costume) and they walk around with straw whips and whip the spectators. No it doesnt hurt bad, but if you bust a kid in the ass, it would probably have the kid hurting."
Add vodka and ketamine and you've just described our ideal Saturday.
Agents of Cracked
|Best Santa Ever: AoC Christmas Special
Nothing says "Christmas" like "mace". Except maybe "bear mace".
YOU YOU YOU!
|If Classic Holiday Movies Got Gritty Reboots
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Things We'll Be Shocked to Find Out in 2011
"In an ironic twist of fate, the twinkle bus was ticketed for having both headlights out."
Your move, Kwanzaa.
You can't get rid of herpes. I've tried.
Gentlemen, she has achieved clitoral supernova.
You think this is disturbing, wait till you see the part of the statue greeting commuters at the underground subway station.
Japan's head of transportation.
It is literally impossible for white people to have child services take away their children.
Mom suggested taking karate to discourage bullies. Dad had a different plan.
The Salvation Army shows they are not to be fucked with.
"Well, after this the Germans ought to be real pushovers!"
Frankly, he looked better in the Pooh Suit....
"Ralph had a nasty reputation of making the homeless "work for it".
The real-life Christopher Robin did not grow up to be a well-adjusted man.
This man still lives with his parents. They're in the freezer.