CRACKED ROUND-UP: Winter Beer Edition

Finally, after hours of brewing and three months agonizing wait, our Holiday batch of beer is ready for consumption. The next month and a half will be a drunken blur of misspelled articles and staffroom beatdowns. Happy holidays, everyone! We'll see you all again once the month-long hangover that is January rolls around.

Celebrity deaths are always good to get eyeballs on the page. Soren took advantage of this because he is a bad person and a great columnist. Bucholz Bear related some heartwarming Care Bear shenanigans while Swaim introduced Cracked's script contest winner to the world. Brockway shared his love of incomprehensible Indian cinema and Seanbaby gave out so much bad advice that it qualifies as a war crime. Dan O'Brien closed us off with a plea to make people shut up about the bullshit parts of their life. That's the closest to public service we'll ever get.

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6 Eerily Specific World Events Predicted by Comics
Kind of makes you believe in a shadowy one-world government that secretly spoils their plans via children's comic books, doesn't it?

Notable Comment: "so .. .. are you saying DC Comics planned the 911 attack?"

Yes, mijj. That is the exact allegation is making. THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!

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5 Common Medical Procedures (That Secretly Aren't Worth It)
Oh god, this is going to flood our comments section with arguments about circumcision, isn't it?

Notable Comment:Yes, it is. Also: detailed explanations of the differences between male and female circumcision. Thanks for that.

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The 7 Most Random Celebrity Duos Who Hung Out Before Fame
Mister Rogers liked zombie movies. Who knew?

Notable Comment:"Cracked, please do not show naked Burt Reynolds ever again. So nasty."

We can't promise that, DaniNicole. Also, we don't want to promise that.

The 6 Most Inexplicable Skills Displayed in Action Movies
For Keanu, pretty much any "skill" is "inexplicable".

Notable Comment: "Elizabeth Swann openly says to Jack Sparrow in the second film that Will taught her how to handle a sword, presumably in the time that occurred between the first and second films"

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What's that, HappyBee42? "Taught to handle a sword" or "taught to handle two swords at once against a horde of supernatural monster-pirates with decades of combat experience"?

6 Statistically Full of S#!t Dangers The Media Loves to Hype
Escalators are our only hope for survival as a species.

Notable Comment: "Personally, I swerve to hit bicyclists. "

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Hey sweetalker, how many points do you give for tandems?

Agents of Cracked
The Secret Service Apparently Can't Take a Joke
You have the right to remain deadly.

If Other Industries Were As Evil as the RIAA
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Apocalyptic Scenarios Nobody Saw Coming
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Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.


"I'll tell you what the problem is...the damn brown bears keep coming up from the south and taking our jobs. That, and the black bears are too lazy to work."
by dpollok

Editor's pick:

So you're saying that even if there's some finite probability that you, acting unilaterally, right here, right now, can lower greenhouse emissions by 10% by tickling my balls, you wouldn't do it?
by savinator


Tired of begging people for change, Chad decides to ambush them from above.
by bcanders

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Editor's pick:

Am I the first to say statutory rape?
by Backinblack

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They play Musical Chairs a little differently in Germany.
by Diasdiem

Editor's pick:

Hair Salon quartets are so much creepier than Barbershop quartets.
by Leaf


Some cacti have better defensive mechanisms than others.
by Mr. Excalibur

Editor's pick:

Bad ass dudes slowly walk away from explosions. Bad ass chicks watch that shit burn.
by tAintMyFault


I can't wait to see how the other 12 clowns exit the vehicle.
by Me_No_Funny

Editor's pick:

I can't drive schtick.
by Exiasprip


How's that art degree working our for you?
by poppedeye

Editor's pick:

.... or you can shoot first.
by HMS_Ford


The migration was going fine until they reached a fork in the road, and then all hell broke loose.
by RodneyHardman

Editor's pick:

The Three Bears liked to keep a trophy of each little girl that fell for their porridge trap.
by tAintMyFault

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