Cracked Round-Up: 4th of July Edition

Attention readers! A recent office party has ended with everyone in the office either hospitalized, or arrested. They're holding us on charges of Public Intoxication, Public Nudity, Conspiracy to Commit Arson, and selling military secrets to North Korea. (Thanks a lot, Intern Kang). It's like the FBI doesn't even understand how to celebrate the 4th anymore.

Soren Bowie kicked this week's face in with a guide to understanding hipsters. Chris Bucholz followed up with a helpful guide to iPhone 4 connection issues. Cody reviewed a review of Toy Story 3 while Brockway confirmed all suspicions of his robot fetish. Seanbaby started his own woman's magazine and was immediately slapped with 14 discrimination (and 11 paternity) suits. Dan O'Brien capped the week with the tortured life of Mel Gibson's publicist.

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The 7 Most Baffling Products Ever Released By Famous Brands
Maybe Kanye's such a prick because his true dream is to be a successful travel agent. This rap stuff is how he funds his addiction to agent-ing.

Notable Comment:"Eh. I wanted to laugh but did not. I also cry that you would talk about celebrity wines and make NO mention of Santana DVX. A horse drank a bottle, and f**ked a cow. "

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AlabamaJones, we choose to believe that every word of this is true.


6 Slacker Behaviors That Science Says Are Good For You
It's worth noting that sloths can live to be over thirty years old.
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Notable Comment: "Or maybe smart people have less sex because they tend to be less attractive?"

Excuse us, POLLY, but it isn't exactly easy to lug all these brains over to the gym.

The 7 Most WTF Origins Of Iconic Pop Culture Franchises
Behind every beloved pillar of your childhood is a lazy and/or drug-addled artist.

Notable Comment: "There were originally 8 deadly sins and they were written by Evagrius Ponticus and they were gluttony, greed, sloth, sorrow, lust, anger, vainglory, and pride. "

Boy, HardcoreOgre, Ponticus wasn't very creative. We've invented twice that many deadly sins in the last half-hour alone.

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6 Laws That Were Great On Paper (And Insane Everywhere Else)
Just in case you were starting to build up TOO much faith in the law...

Notable Comment: "There's actually a very simple solution to the sex offender problem. Put a brand on their face that will tell everyone who they are. Some sort of scar or tattoo, like they used to do in Puritan New England for adulterers. "

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kanna172003, Puritan New England may not be the best place to take our social queues from.

The 6 Most Unlikely Partners In The Animal Kingdom
Badger and Pooch would be a fantastic anthropomorphic animal detective show. There are already furries masturbating to that sentence.
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Notable Comment: "wow, you are 2 pretty sick f**ks to enjoy laughing at a chimp that's been shot multiple times. seriously, go take a long hard look at yourselves, you make me sick. a*****es. "

Esme, you cruel bastard. Four of our interns committed suicide as a result of your comment. The fact that all of them were currently subpoenaed by the Federal Government as part of a human rights lawsuit should not be seen as suspicious at all.

White People Rapping About Rape: What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
Someone with money thought this music video was a good idea.

19 Wonder Drugs We'd Actually Like to See
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Breakdown of Time Spent [FILL IN BLANK]
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Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.


"It's 1006 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's noon, and we're covered in headless mannequins." "Hit it."
by Waaaaarg

Editor's pick:

I hardly noticed they replaced Megan Fox in the new Transformers film.
by yonks


But will it make you a sandwich?
by freehamster

Editor's pick:

These girls are ready, willing, and table.
by Julius_Goat


I can't believe colored people still can't catch a cab in New York.
by ChaseMitchell

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Editor's pick:

"Each artist must follow their muse. Mine is Mr. Peanut."
by jrkinnard


Kenny Rogers flees rehab. Again.
by jtklove

Editor's pick:

One should always use caution when mixing two different plaids.
by Mothra24


Quentin Tarantino's "The Jungle Book"
by Julius_Goat

Editor's pick:

"Well judging by the fifty arrows in the torso, I'd say it was suicide."
by Exiasprip


I gotta tell you, if this is what BlueRay Hi Def does for the rest of my favorite movies, I just wasted $2399.
by Julius_Goat

Editor's pick:

"Help me Obi-Wan. I need the WD-40!"
by jrkinnard


This is what happens when the generation who grew up with Mario Cart get their engineering degrees.
by Julius_Goat

Editor's pick:

You kids shut up back there, I WILL battle the laws of physics in a futile attempt to turn this thing right around.
by savinator

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