"I can't wait to blow myself up for America!"
There wasn't one. The US military, perhaps feeling that the situation in Iraq was volatile enough without adding wave upon wave of suicidal monkeys to the mix, declined the offer. Thus, about 20,000 "MONKEY EXPLODES ON MINE LOL!" YouTube videos would never come into existence.
WMDs: Whales of Mass Destruction
What Were They Thinking?
For 50 years, the world stood poised on the brink of nuclear annihilation. Both sides spent trillions of dollars searching for the ultimate deterrent, a way to strike at the enemy against which there was no defense. But there was only so much technology could do--missiles, bombers and submarines all had their shortcomings.
If only there was some other way to delivery a nuclear payload. If only...oh, fuck it: whales.
Dear God, What Have We Done?
It's well-known that the US Navy employs dolphins and sea lions for seeking out underwater mines and that sort of thing, but that's not all they're up to.
According to one former navy cetacean trainer, the Navy also runs a program to train orcas--AKA killer whales-- to deliver nuclear weapons to enemy shores, an attack that would be almost undetectable. The American government denies these claims, which, as we all know, means they're true.
Nuclear war never broke out, and for any weapon meant to act as a deterrent, that kind of counts as a success, we're thinking. But Russia is fast becoming a renewed threat and, for all we know, they're feverishly working to close the "whale gap" at this very moment. If so, our only hope may be to suspend all those anti-whaling conventions and turn the Japanese and Norwegians loose to do what they do best. But they'd better be thorough - because all it takes is one rogue nuke-whale, swimming out for revenge.
But don't feel too bad for these "poor" animals. We all know that they're out to kill off the human race. Want proof? Check out 8 Animals With Real Superpowers and The 6 Deadliest Creatures (That Can Fit In Your Shoe).
And don't forget to stop by Cracked.com's Top Picks, or we'll send a monkey-bomb to your house.