A Very Smokey Cracked Round-Up

A Very Smokey Cracked Round-Up

Do you know what today is, sports fans? It's Tommy Chong's and Bob Dylan's birthdays! This is, to put it lightly, a huge friggin' day for stoners everywhere and, without being too presumptuous, we have a feeling that a few of those stoners probably read Cracked. We're not saying that the entire Cracked audience gets stoned and watches Lord of the Rings every Memorial Day weekend, but, OK, most of you probably do. Try as we might to attract the billionaire yacht-owning demographic, we just can't seem to hook them in, so it looks like we're stuck with each other, for better or for worse. We might as well show our appreciation for your dedication the only way we know how: By rounding up a week's worth of articles that you've probably already read and forgot about.

This week, in a rare moment of not hating the Cracked Commenters, Swaim explains why he loves the Cracked Commenters. Because you can't have love without hate, join Gladstone as he teaches you to hate Larry King and Barbara Walters. Do you want something that you can love and hate? Check out the strange almost-Asian internet superstar that ruined DOB's life. Also, Bucholz talks about piss! What a week!

8 Child Prodigies So Amazing They'll Ruin Your Day
Yeah, but can that little eight-year-old-surgeon bastard beat us in a foot race? Or full-contact karate? We're gonna say "no," and call this whole ordeal a draw.

Notable Comment: CodyCastor points out an important omission: "You forgot Gary Coleman. At age 7, he had the nation laughing as he tried to figure out exactly what it was that Willis was talking about. Later, still at age 7, he managed to hold down a mall security guard job after he had gotten bored with acting. A few years after that, at age 7, he was ending his marriage in the best possible way, on Divorce Court(check Youtube). I imagine, 30 or 40 years from now, he'll be the first person to die from old age at 7."

The 9 Most Devastating Insults From Around the World
Finally, we'll be able to get ourselves banned not just from restaurants in America, but all over the world.

Notable Comment:You know, the comments section of just about every article usually turns into a pointless argument about something entirely unrelated to the article, but this time, it's different. Backtowacky puts it best saying "One of the best comments section ever, -just as good as the article. Gotta love an article about vile, horrific, insults bringing everyone in the comments section together." Really, we healed the world just a little bit today, friends.

Six Degrees of Paris Hilton: The Global Reach of One Vagina
See? We're all connected. It's like the circle of life, from Lion King. Or maybe some kind of dirty, filthy porn rip-off of Lion King or something.

Notable Comment: AnderX has an interesting theory: "so if we kill paris hilton...we'd be killing hitler. LETS GET TO IT!" The facts don't really back you up on this, AnderX, but we support you all the way.

Internet Party 2: An Intervention for MySpace
As long as there's an internet, Those Aren't Muskets! will be there to make fun of it.

5 Movies Ruined in Post-Production/a>
Also, the original Star Wars trilogy was similarly "fixed" when George Lucas added a bunch of CGI monsters. And three more movies.

Notable Comment: BrockSamson says "Hollywood loves pissing off the fans of whateverthefuck they're remaking... and making millions in the process. Too many examples to begin a list." "Too many to begin a list," Brock? Do you have any idea who you're talking to? We're Cracked.com, mahfucka. We could rank every day, from the dawn of time until right now in a list of "X Most Awesome Days Ever." We could make "The Top X Plays Written by Shakespeare Named Hamlet" into a list of 25. We could do that shit in our sleep, man, so don't tempt us by saying it's impossible to make a list out of something.

20 Websites From Before the Internet was Invented
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest about Business Cards That'll Ensure They Never, Ever Forget You and you can be.

Folks, it's been a good run but due to low ratings, we had to fire the crap out of Lex Friedman. God bless him, he tried but, in the end, it turns out the world was the biggest douchebag of all. Take comfort in the fact that it is entirely your fault.

Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners?
Contribute your own.


"Neither Hilary not Obama were happy with West Virginias debate venue."
by arm66

Editor's pick:

"its ok tim, if you are really nervous of people watching you, you can go behind this tree"
by boogie


After serving on the front lines, Jerry was looking forward to his 5-day leave to get some beer and pussy.
by sallan

Editor's pick:

No, Baby Eisenhower. You salute to no man, for no man is your better.
by Boonehams


After the the other 10 plagues God was running out of ideas
by Tankyboy

Editor's pick:

Vincent: You know what they throw in the air in Japan when they graduate instead of a cap?

Jules: What?

Vincent: Actual human heads.

Jules: Goddamn.

Vincent: I've seen 'em do it, man. They fucking throw 'em like crazy.

by Messy


by optimus_prime

Editor's pick:

If he ever saw that Paul Bunyan statue again he was going to kick it's ass.
by MrBungle


Yoda's "Special" Padawan training centre was shut down upon the revelation of what happened in the basement.
by fdoyle

Editor's pick:

Children of The Porn
by Ed_Gein


Caught off guard by the iPhone's runaway success, Microsoft's version seemed hurried and not particularly well thought out.
by GeeGee

Editor's pick:

Meet your cell-mate at SurprisinglyFormalDressPhoneHeadFetishMatch.com!
by MisterBuch


Suri was started on the path to Scientology pretty early on.
by humper

Editor's pick:

So i got hammered one night and fucked some legos. who knew?
by nuro

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