Six Degrees of Paris Hilton: The Global Reach of One Vagina
They say we're no more than six degrees of separation from everyone in the world. So, for instance, you don't know Harrison Ford, but you know a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a guy who knows Harrison Ford.
What you probably haven't heard is that you most likely are no more than six degrees of sex from Paris Hilton's vagina. Pick any random person, and if you dig hard enough you'll find that they had sex with somebody, who had sex with somebody, who had sex with Paris.
We'll demonstrate. Let's start with an easy one, say, '70s porn star John Holmes:
Paris Hilton to John Holmes
So the chain of boning goes ...
From Paris Hilton to Tom Sizemore
She denies even knowing him, but Tom Sizemore claims in his homemade sex tape, Tom Sizemore's Sex Scandal, that a teenage Hilton seduced him in his home gym after a party. There's a photo of the two getting close at the party in question, and she does like guys who make homemade sex tapes.
From Tom Sizemore to Heidi Fleiss
Sizemore was also engaged to infamous Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss. He also liked to smack her around, leading to a 2003 jail sentence for assault and battery. Tom Sizemore's Sex Scandal also reveals that he has her name tattooed in inch-high letters above his genitals. If you ever run into Tom, it's probably best to just take his word on this.
From Heidi Fleiss to Charlie Sheen
Speaking of people who nailed the Estevez/Sheen clan, Fleiss' most prominent client was bad-boy actor Charlie Sheen, who testified in her tax-evasion trial that he spent $50,000 on the services of 27 of her escorts. Did he sleep with the madam herself? She still holds such a degree of ill will toward him that it's almost impossible not to think he literally screwed her over.
It hardly matters--it's trivial to link Sheen back to Hilton (through Robin Wright Penn and Colin Farrell is just one way) so let's just move on.
From Charlie Sheen to Ginger Lynn
Not only did Charlie Sheen hook up with '80s porn star Ginger Lynn, but he managed to hold down a relationship with her from 1990 to 1992. They also did a stint in drug rehab together, which, for Charlie, means real commitment.
Charlie and his dad, Martin, even wrote letters to the court in support of Lynn during her 1991 tax fraud trial, though this didn't stop her from spending four months in jail, most of which we can safely assume featured a lot of showering, cat-fighting and situational lesbianism.
From Ginger Lynn to John Holmes
Ginger Lynn had a sex scene with Holmes early in her career, in the film The Grafenberg Spot. The real-life inspiration behind Dirk Diggler, Holmes claimed 20,000 partners in his lifetime. But while he may have had Wilt Chamberlain's numbers, he had Magic Johnson's luck--he died of complications from AIDS in 1988, at 43.
Actually, it seems kind of obvious now that we point it out. Let's up the degree of difficulty a notch.
How about a member of the royal family from the notoriously sexless United Kingdom?
Paris Hilton to Prince Charles
Paris Hilton to Colin Farrell
It was bound to happen: First, Paris Hilton and Colin Farrell bumped into each other while he was promoting Alexander and she was being filmed for Barbara Walters' TV show The Ten Most Fascinating People of 2004, and then they bumped uglies. Farrell being perhaps the preeminent man-whore of his day, the hookup was inevitable. Also, 2004 must have been a pretty dry year for fascinating people.
Colin Farrell to Elle MacPherson
Only a month before Elle MacPherson dumped Swiss financier Arpad Busson, she was spotted on a beach in the Bahamas with Farrell. Shortly thereafter, she went on a romantic dinner date with Al Pacino. She denies anything happened with Farrell, but if you were hanging around one of the greatest actors of his generation, you wouldn't own up to having anything to do with a scrub like Farrell either.
Elle MacPherson to Bryan Adams
The best move Bryan Adams ever made was to put down his old six-string and pick up a camera. That's because his hobby put him in the prime position to romance MacPherson, who's got a taste for photographers, having been married to French fashion photographer Gilles Bensimon in the mid-'80s. (It's also because his music started to suck.)
Bryan Adams to Princess Diana
Had the pockmarked pop star been any other musician in this article, his biggest hit might as well have been titled "(Everyone I Do), I Do It For You." But Adams went for quality over quantity. Adams laid his groundwork by cutting a b-side named after Princess Diana in 1985, then bode his time for 11 years, finally making his move after her divorce.
It's comforting to think that at least one photographer brought a few moments of pleasure to the late princess's life before his paparazzi brethren hounded her to her death.
Princess Diana to Prince Charles
Well, no mystery about whether these two hooked up, since their marriage was watched by 750 million people worldwide and produced two handsome princes. It's not even a mystery that the jug-eared royal scion would cheat on the beautiful princess with Camilla Parker Bowles, whose looks can be charitably described as "dowdy." The heart wants what it wants, after all. No, the real mystery is what Prince Charles thinks of Hilton's galling pronouncement, "I think every decade has an iconic blonde--like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana--and right now, I'm that icon."
Happy now? Now you know Prince Charles is just five sexual partners away from having the same sexually transmitted diseases as Paris Hilton.
Seriously, we can do it with anybody. Pick anyone, the most outrageous, remote possibility.