A Cracked Royal Round-Up

You know what today is, right? Come on. Of course you do. On this day in 1718, Robert Darcy, 4th Earl of Holderness was born. Now you remember. Now, we're not just bringing up Darcy because it's his birthday--we actually have a lot in common with Robert Darcy. For starters, Darcy has no heirs and we have no heirs (we're a website and thus incapable of producing offspring). Further, we were both named Lord Lieutenant of the North Riding of Yorkshire, (him, 1740, us, 2005) and we both have had very public feuds with King George. Finally, Scottish philosopher and Darcy contemporary David Hume once wrote, "The good Earl of Holderness has an ear for jokes that are most certainly phallic in nature, (dick jokes!). Truly, his wit is as sharp as the wieners he jokes about." It's all there, folks. A celebration of Cracked is a celebration of Robert Darcy, 4th Earl of Holderness.

If it's a new week, that means there are new things to hate. Let Gladstone show you how to hate in this week's hate by numbers. If you'd rather hate something from several decades ago, Ross dug up this flattering video of Bill O'Reilly. Meanwhile, Mike Swaim does what he does best, (talk about sex), and Dan O'Brien prepares you for Mencia Mayhem.

EVERYONE LIED!

The 6 Most Frequently Quoted Bullshit Statistics That's it, after researching this article and seeing how gullible people can be, we're starting our own bullshit statistic right here. Did you know every serial killer and successful assassin was left-handed? True story. Left-handedness is linked to serial murder, and you heard it here first, folks.

Notable Comment: Thalliadruid says "The swallowing x number of spiders thing may be a made up statistic, but I have definitely had some night-time spider-in-mouth encounters, usually ending in me waking up choking, spitting out a wet mangled spider, then flushing it down the toilet before gargling with large quantities of listerine. Or if it was a big spider, whiskey. I remember in biology we learned that some bug-types are attracted to carbon dioxide, breath and skin odor, and moisture (which includes both slobber and perspiration). So I totally believe spiders sometimes try nesting in our mouths. It can't just be that my breath smells of crickets. Surely my boyfriend would have said something by now." That is totally, and completely gross. Also, if your boyfriend is okay with the fact that you, evidently, cough up spiders of varying size on a regular basis, it doesn't sound like he's the kind of guy who'll get hung up on a little spider breath.

RUN AWAY!

The 10 Most Terrifying Video Game Enemies of All Time Doesn't matter what new systems come out, with their fancy updated realistic graphics--nothing will make us shit our pants quite like that damned Paperboy dog.

Notable Comment: Darkhorse08817 whines "Geez, I have no clue that half of those games ever existed, let alone were such a fad for a while that some people can process references to them 10-20 years after their release date. I feel kinda left out... until I remember that I actually had more fun as a teenager chasing pussy and raising hell than I would've if I'd cooped myself up w/ a buncha geeks clicking on a game console for hours on end :D" Well, sorry to disappoint, Darkhorse. All the same, thanks for taking time away from your busy pussy-chasing and hell-raising schedule to post a long, detailed paragraph for a buncha geeks to read. And hate.

BIG MOMMA'S WEREWOLF!

Near Misses: The 6 Worst Movies Hollywood Almost Made Robot cowboys? Good one!

Notable Comment: Saul Goode says "Some folks say that Willie Greene, Was the baddest muthafucka the world has ever seen. But take a real good shit and screw your wig on tight. And I'll tell ya about the bad muthafucka called Dolemite." Hell yeah! Why, we heard that the day he was dropped from his Mammy's ass, he slapped his Pappy's face and said, 'From now on, cocksucka, I'm running this place.' True story. And if he sees a ghost, what does he do? He cuts a mothafucka.

NO MORE NUMA!

The 9 Most Obnoxious Memes Ever to Escape the Web Internet memes, like deformed freak-children, should be kept safely locked away and out of the view of the public. The parents can laugh and poke fun, of course, but the little freak child should not, under any circumstances, reach the outside world.

Notable Comment: We think Sweetlips speaks for everyone when he/she says "Dear Cracked, I am shocked and disgusted by your use of the word "meme." I have no basis for this besides "why the fuck not" and I whine because I have a penis that is small. So small, in fact, that if a picture of it was ever realeased on the internet it would most certainly be a mem...nevermind. Singed, Cracked Readers."

TIN TIN'S A RACIST!

5 Superhero Movie Scenes They'll Never Let You See We're also pretty sure there's an issue with Little Lulu where she murders a drifter and leaves him in the alley behind the malt shop. She was never apprehended.

Notable Comment: This week in Comments That Have Nothing to do with the Article, enjoy a long, passionate debate about which country is the most racist, and make sure you stick around for an irrelevant sidebar about free speech.

YOU YOU YOU!

The Campaigns Candidates Wish They Could Run We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest about Websites from before the internet was invented. and you can be.

5.15.08:

"Actually, I changed my mind, make me one of those little dogs."
by gmayo

Editor's pick:

Trojan dinosaur?
by john_jaha

5.14.08:

"Where did the Dark Load EVILOUS park his chariot of doom!?"
"Do you mean your Volvo Steve?"
"Yes the Volvo of doom."
by Mr.Bonewell

Editor's pick:

You play with me and you're playing with cardboard fire.
by Ed_Gein

5.13.08:

The movie itself didn't really make much sense, but Mel Gibson's remake of Biodome was fucking awesome.
by Poom

Editor's pick:

On its first real test, the Gimp's emergency escape bike revealed several design flaws.
by aguyanon

5.12.08:

The first test of the "Gay Bomb" exceeded everyone's expectations.
by GeeGee

Editor's pick:

Caterpillar style kung fu never seemed to work as well as other styles.
by boogie

5.11.08:

At the end of this thing is the Corona bottling plant.
by Mr.Bonewell

Editor's pick:

Cock-queduct.
by Blackrifice

5.10.08:

Of all the unfunny and cruel pranks his handlers played on him, "invisible mackerel" was the one Splashy hated the most.
by pizzamogul

Editor's pick:

After complaing that his date didn't go so well the crew teach Flipper how to "grab them titties!"
by optimus_prime

5.9.08:

"This is Mission Control. You are now cleared for blowjob."
by Fairview

Editor's pick:

Toilets in france scare me...
by boogie