You may be wondering why we're calling this week's round-up the Nuclear Disaster of Comedy, but that's only because you have a terrible memory. Today marks the 22nd anniversary of the monstrous disaster at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant. You might say we're exploding with comedy as a tribute. You may even have radiation poison just from reading this.
Wait, no, not that second one, (probably). The first one, though, definitely. We are totally exploding with comedy.
This week, on the blogginest blog in the blogosphere, Ross helps out my explaining how exactly a bitch might get her eye swole up, (the answer may surprise you), and Swaim warns the world about Penis Thieves. Speaking of dicks, help Dan O'Brien replace Jimmy Fallon as the next host of Late Night.
10 Highly Anticipated Video Games You'll Never Get to Play
Sorry, but Rambo vs. Spider-Man did not make the list. That isn't even a game. You dreamed that, and it isn't going to happen. Deal with it.
Notable Comment: Steveysteve says, "Don't worry. If they're revamping 'pong' now (wii) then in twenty years time we'll have new versions of all of these games listed. Of course, in twenty years time games will be playing us..." That is deep, man. Shit.
MORE LIKE GAY-Z, RIGHT?!
The 11 Most Unintentionally Gay Rap Lyrics Ever
Yeah, we're well aware of how dangerous it is to call all of the leading rappers gay. Big deal. Seriously, what's 50 Cent gonna do to us? Shoot us? In the face? Yes.
Notable Comment: Kyrintethron says "Jesus...you thought 50 was bad, you should listen to almost every song by DMX. It's always suck dick this and fuck him in the ass that." Seriously, same deal with all of the early Hall & Oates stuff.
FORGETTING SUPER VIRGINS!
How to Make Your Own Judd Apatow Movie in 5 Easy Steps
Judd Apatow will be producing Michael Swaim's That Guy, scheduled for a Fall 2008 release. Get the inside scoop now!
Neil says: "How to be a Cracked Blogger who gets all the awesome flame filled comments:
Arrested Development Sucks, Kurt Cobain sucks, black people suck, Guitar hero sucks, Judd Apatow sucks
Hannah Montana, Expensive Hats, Weiner Poopie, Racist drawing of a mexican boy gluing himself to his bed
Hooray! That post would have been the highest commented article on the cracke blog ever. Way more than 300 posts. That would make enough for anal PLUS reach around!" And he nailed it.
FIRST RULE OF BATMAN!
8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow
Ninth rule? The Hulk sucked.
Notable Comment:User adds a rule: "#0 - All cracked.com articles must consist of a "top X whatever" ordered countdown." While we're thrilled that you would include the Cracked staff in an article about superheroes, we can't help but point out that sometimes we say the worst, not the top. Come on, pay attention.
THIS STUFF BYTES!
The 10 Most Pointless Computer Gadgets
It's not that we didn't buy the humping dog, it's just that it's completely retarded.
Notable Comment: If the comments section of this article is any indication, sales for the humping dog attachment are about to skyrocket.
HALF BAKED COOKIES!
7 Foods That Can Get You (Unpleasantly) High
Combine all of the products mentioned in this list into one giant smoothie, and then don't sue us when it kills you!
Notable Comment: StickManJr says "Hey! Remember when the comment section of these articles were meant for commenting on the actual article? Me either." We certainly don't. Sigh.
YOU YOU YOU!
30 Video Game Villain Recruitment Posters
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest about Rejected Ideas From GTA IV and you can be.
"The new decoy for the olimpic torch left many skeptical,
however no one wanted to try and put it out.
Super Absorbent Tampax prepares for yet another battle against the Evil Lord Menstrual.
Hey, San Francisco needs utility workers too.
"Hey, would you jump around to attract the attention of the audience, while I fuck that wooden plank?"
Her mother having eliminated the competition, followed her to victory.
At the Special Olympics, if 99% of your body is paralyzed, you can ride shotgun in some events.
Less appealing than that "Eye of Sauron", the "Vagina of Sauron" attracted few tourists.
The Washington Monument's girlfriend...
Peter: "Woh, that kitten's got 1 hell of an ass."
Paul: "I know, I'm diggin' the blue dress as well."
Peter: "... no... I meant .... nevermind - We need to have a serious fuckin' talk about that soon though Paul."
"What are YOU staring at, asshole?"
Carl wondered if he'd EVER get a turn.
"And I-ey-I-ey-I willlll always LOOOOVVVEEE YOOOOUUUU-OUU-OOUUUUUU!!!"
mexiCAN get over the border!!!
Optimus Prime would pass the time by burying himself and playing "flick the tourist with my penis."
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
A good horror story is hard to pull off.
All commercials are a least a little weird.
These actions stars were so bad at being badass, they were just ass.