Is Safety Abroad a Phallusy? Protecting Your Privates from Penis Pirates
It’s not easy to admit some kinds of personal tragedy. Breaking it to your extended family that you’re going to die because a horse’s cock ruptured your colon isn’t my idea of a good time. But when you’re at the end of your rope with no other options, sometimes all you can do is confide in your loved ones and hope for the best.
Cracked readers, you are my family, and I must tell you: my penis has been stolen.
When I booked my recent trip to the Congo for the purposes of extreme birdwatching, my travel agent warned me about a rash of penis thefts that has struck the area. Like many of you are probably doing now, I laughed.
“Penis thefts?” I chortled “What, are they out of dildos?”
I then patted my carry-on case of dildos, momentarily wondering what kind of profit I could turn selling them to the dildo-starved locals. But I didn’t turn a profit, ladies and gentlemen, and I came home less of a man that I’d been upon arrival.
For you see, while I scoffed at the idea of a shadowy, hunched figure, loping off with my freshly-severed penis on his way to a black market fertility clinic, or perhaps to prank a local hot dog-eating contest, I made the cardinal mistake made by tourists throughout time.
I forgot about shamans.
Shamans, people. Witches and warlocks trained in the dark art of penile enchantment. Chode sorcery. Dick wizardry. The forgotten rites of cockmancy.
Such men, according to the locals, have been plaguing the region, rendering once-proud and robust African cocks shriveled, tiny, and limp (although of course by white American standards, still fairly impressive). And despite a recent wave of shaman-lynching, there seems to be no end to this tide of genitalchemy.
I don’t know when it happened. Maybe a shaman hexed my package right as I stepped out of customs. Maybe if I’d tipped the bellboy I’d still be plowing women with the confidence I once enjoyed.
Hell, maybe it was one of the many times I stopped in the street to let old black men touch my penis and mutter. The point is, there’s no way of knowing for sure.
Meanwhile, the attacks continue. And while local police try to deny the existence of magical penis thievery by pointing out that “alleged victims clearly still have penises,” there’s no argument against cold, limp facts.
Countless Congolese men have stood up, braved slander, and shown off their tiny penises as proof of the shaman blight. And who are you going to believe? A police officer?
Or a guy who claims that the reason his penis is tiny is because a shaman bewitched it with dark magic?
Ask yourself, who has more reason to lie?
Please, let my tragic example be a warning to you all. Clutch your penis tight. Hold it dear. Appreciate it while you can.
Here are a few tips to help you guard against these opportunistic magicians (a great band name, by the way):
And finally, no matter how much you want to blend in with local customs, don’t let anyone dip your penis into a small sack of twinkling powder or chicken’s blood. Rude as it may seem, just politely decline and walk away.
Trust me, you’ll be the better for it.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael stares at the place where his penis used to be and weeps as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
April 25th, 2008 at 8:10 am
Swaim had a penis?
April 25th, 2008 at 8:14 am
1 more method for protecting thy genitals while abroad: exchange your penis for traveller’s checks. If the traveller’s checks get stolen, just ask the local bank clerk for some replacement penis.
April 25th, 2008 at 8:25 am
My penis isn’t that big, so I should be relatively safe from shamans, although AIDS is an entirely different story
April 25th, 2008 at 9:21 am
Not too long ago, I was care free, wearing my kilt, and airing out my cock n’ balls. Now, I fear I may have to gird my loins. Will the agony ever end?
April 25th, 2008 at 9:21 am
Hey I got a mention in Swaim’s blog. My nickname in High School was “Penis Sock”
Thanks for the shout out Swaim !!!
April 25th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Every time I signed in __ Bigblackconnect.com __ and there were always many women would talk to me … It is a funny and interesting place to talk to these thoughtful women.
April 25th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Only Eric Idle can voice my happiness at never having been in Swaim’s position:
Isn’t it awfully nice to have apenis?
Isn’t it frightnfully good to have a dong?
It’s swell to own a stiffy.
It’s divine to have a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger,
To the world’s biggest prick.
So three cheers for your willy or john thomas.
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake!
Your piece of pork, your wife’s best friend,
Your Percy or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons,
You can slip it in a sock.
But don’t take it out in public
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won’t
Come
Back.
Thank you very much
April 25th, 2008 at 10:34 am
I like Mitch Fatel’s description: “Having a penis is fun. It’s like having a friend that always wants to play.”
April 25th, 2008 at 11:27 am
Sorry, I forgot to applaud your title, Swaiminator. Well punned and alliterated, my man.
April 25th, 2008 at 11:28 am
“genitalchemy”
Pure genius, Swaim. My hat is off to you.
April 25th, 2008 at 11:40 am
“chode sorcery”? “cockmancy”? These are the best word combinations EVAR. I laughed my butt off while reading this. Now I must go retrieve it….
April 25th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
You could still wear a kilt, just get one of those metal chastity package holder things, drill some holes in it (before you put your dick in it) and you’ll still get the wonderful air feeling you get with a kilt.
Or just don’t go to places where magic is still considered a profession.
April 25th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Like San Francisco?
April 25th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Robb, you’re a genius! I forgot about the article with the dong chastity plumbing kit. I’m going to invest in that company and market them in the Congo. The stock is sure to soar!
April 25th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Was I too subtle? It was a gay joke.
San Francisco, fairies, magic, the gay… get it?
April 25th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
This article expains a lot.
April 25th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Admittedly he had some great source material to work with, but I think this article has brought
Swaim back to the forefront of crackedbloggery.
April 25th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
And BTW, Fuck you, Tilly.
April 25th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
Thank you, FollicleMan. I thought this was one of my best posts in a long while. I’m guessing the rousing lack of comments means not everyone agreed…what, dicks no longer a draw for you people?!
April 25th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
I kind of got turned off by dicks when mine started talking back to me. Funny article Mr. Swaim.
April 26th, 2008 at 12:54 am
I got your joke Kingmonkey+1, i thought it rather hilarious.
April 26th, 2008 at 1:01 am
Not to beat a dead horse… But could Tilly be Nick? just asking, its late, and odd theories like that come to mind.
April 26th, 2008 at 1:10 am
“Genitalchemy” is one of the best words I have ever read.
April 26th, 2008 at 2:33 am
“Penis thefts?” I chortled “What, are they out of dildos?”
and there lies your fatal folly, Mr. Swaim: NEVER chortle at an African
April 26th, 2008 at 6:04 am
Sorry Swaim, it’s just a little too obvious that you’re pandering to the critics. We wanted penises and so you gave us penises. But sometimes it’s nice to have a vagina once in a while.
Wow, that came out wrong.
April 26th, 2008 at 6:21 am
…
…
It’s times like these I wish I could delete some of the dumbass comments I make.
April 26th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Hey! why don’t they lynch people for performing female genital mutilation on poor girls? or the people that believe if they have sex[rape] with someone that is a virgen [children] their aids will go away?
I hate Africa
April 26th, 2008 at 10:59 am
the genital mutilation on kids over there is really fucked up. They chop off the clitorises of young girls and/or sew up their vaginas so that their husband will know they are still virgins. and then on their wedding night, the force of the husbands erection/thrusting will burst open the stitches and he will use the ensuing blood flow as lubricant. wait…is that an occurence that happens often or did the legend of Swaim get carried away?
April 26th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Umm….. ya, it’s cause I went to Africa
<__>
<__>
April 26th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
lol My shifty eyes got totally effed up
April 26th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Thank you for the Official Buzzkill ™, phoenx and dan.
I’m just going to sit and stare at Lyonkyng’s fisheyes.
April 27th, 2008 at 12:02 am
*Joins in*
April 27th, 2008 at 1:06 am
childhood genital mutilation ROFL
Africa is wacky…truly the Kramer of contients
April 27th, 2008 at 11:22 am
The Kramer of continents? So how many Continents are Jews now allowed in? North America, some bits of Europe and…… maybe…. a bit of Asia?
April 27th, 2008 at 11:32 am
no problem. i was hoping to lighten it up with that bit about revealing swaim’s exploits to be of the child genitalia mutilation kind. but i guess that didn’t work. and i agree. after laughing for awhile, i began to see the similarities between kramer and africa. kramer is always saying goofy shit and walking like a spaz, africa has an aids epidemic and genocide. jesus christ! why did no one notice this before?
April 27th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
Because we were distracted by Kramer saying goofy shit and walking like a spaz. While being racist, oh so very racist.
April 27th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
O THATs what happened! Now I know that in my future birdwatchingedge in Congo.
I always wondered why I became a girl that fine summer day.
April 27th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
（If You Are Easily Offended…..Then do not CLICK THERE!）
Recently, quite a few celebrities and pro athletes were said to appear on the ~~TAllhub.com~~ to hook up with hot girs and models. OMG!!! Are these famous guys fond of internet dating for now?? Maybe they feel boring sometimes to need new things?
April 29th, 2008 at 8:10 am
I think you’ll find that there’s a perfectly logical explanation.
Swaim, did you shake hands or share a comb with someone with a big nose and who probably was a banker? They are probably responsible.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis_panic#Sudan
April 30th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
The Congo, you say?
I’ll have to take my boyfriend on a long-overdue trip there…
Thank you for the tip.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
@Courtney: You go ahead and take your boyfriend…me? I’ll be sending my ex. Well, just as soon as he sends the child support he owes anyhow. Maybe I’ll sign him up for the Peace Corp.’s and save a couple bucks.
@Swaim: Very funny. Same story was covered by The Daily Show Monday night. Not as funny. Just so you know.
May 6th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
[…] The 5 Most Ridiculously Over-Hyped Health Scares of All Time. Or find out why traveling to Africa is a worse idea for your penis than ever before. Or watch a video about a horrific addiction that destroys lives and relationships (at least with […]
May 10th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Orthopedic Wrist Braces…
I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you….