In keeping with our celebration of Cracked History Month, this week, we will be honoring Christian Bale, without whom we would feel lost and alone all the time. He looks like the kind of guy you throw a few beers back with, but also the kind of guy who would gently hold you and protect you if you needed it. But you'd both know that it would be in a totally straight way, just a couple of guys enjoying each other's company.
How are YOU celebrating Cracked History Month? Post your answers below! Or instead, don't!
In a move that surely falls under the category of "Signs of the Apocalypse," three whole Cracked Bloggers got together and combined their efforts into one, giant, time-wasting blogpost. If three bloggers at once is too much for you to handle, check out Swaim's pun-laced Nerd eulogy, Gladstone's newest video, or the freaky magnet kid that Ross found. Or just keep hating on Hannah Montana.
5 Works of Art That Can Probably Kill You
And we're not kidding about Garfunkel. He's not on this list, but watch yourself around him, and do not, under any circumstances, make eye contact with him.
Notable Comment: Dzidzi says "Did I miss something earlier or it's first time that our merry bunch is first time directly mentioned in a Cracked article: "When you couple that force with the unbelievable vicious streak that the anonymity of the internet brings out in people (See Cracked comment section below for prime examples..." isn't it awesome?" Is ... Is that a joke? Every week- every single week we talk about a comment for each article on the round-up. Every week. We're doing it right this second. You're on it, in fact.
Bastards. We try to show how we appreciate your comments, and you don't even take the time to read our articles. Bastards. Bastards, bastards, bastards.
ETHICS ARE FOR COWARDS!
The Awful Truth Behind 5 Items Probably On Your Grocery List
If you think your banana tastes bitter in light of this new information, you're probably just tasting the tears of the children who died for it for the first time. Still tastes great on Cornflakes though.
Notable Comment: Poindexterface says "kudos to Cracked for bringing these things to light. Definitely intelligent, concerned humor. I've been on the Coca-Cola boycott for almost 6 years, and its good to see other people waking up to the realities involved in the production of many items taken for granted. Unfortunately some people like Bush for Life revel in their ignorance and apathy, and probably always will. But like Jesus said, "a fool returns to his folly as a dog returns to its vomit." Well, if there's anything Cracked is, (dick) it's socially conscious, that's for sure. (dick dick) The main focus for this website is doing good, (farting noise), and changing the world, with comedy coming at a very distant second (fart noises). We're about recognizing and attempting to correct (penis) injustice in all of its forms. We're just trying to make a difference. (Poop.)
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN SUCKS!
6 Terrible Cameos That Just About Ruined the Movie
Seriously. We'll believe aliens any day of the week, but M. Night Shyamalan having friends and talking to people? Come on, let's not kid ourselves.
Notable Comment: Deuceswild says "About the only thing that causes me to lose faith in humanity more than the Cracked comments, is watching someone throw a puppy off of a cliff." But ... so you just watched? You just watched? And you're the one losing faith in humanity?
EVERYONE IS CRAZY!
7 Insane Conspiracies That Actually Happened
We've taken the time to separate the bat-shit insane from the bat-shit insane-but-also-true conspiracy theories. You're welcome, though you probably don't feel much better about anything.
Notable Comment: Looking for some of the most retarded 9/11-related conspiracy garbage on the net? Check the comments section of this article!
5 Movie Fighting Styles Too Awesome to Actually Exist
Yeah, we know we published the article, but we still don't believe it. The Hadoken is real. It can be done. We've seen it. We've fucking seen it OK? It has to be real.
Notable Comment: Bojac6 asks "Does anybody else remember that episode of Next Gen where Riker fights his father in something called "Mega Ninjitsu" or something that actually consisted of being blindfolded in stupid plastic armor and using a big stick that had some sort of sonar built into one end and a big foam pad on the other? That definitely was too awesome to exist." Wow. No. No. No one remembers that episode of Next Gen where Riker fights his father but you sure did reveal how much you know about Star Trek. Yeah. That totally happened.
The 7 Most Terrifying Corporate Mascots All-Time
Notable Comment: MaxProwess says "I'd rather wake up with Dr. Rockso The Rock 'n' Roll Clown's hand in my pocket than to ever meet the old Ronald McDonald. Or even the current one. I also remember when I was young, I use to be scared of every fucking Disney character. There was this one time we went to Disneyland and I couldn't get near Micky, Minnie, Goofy or any other character without freaking out. If you think about it now, Micky and Minnie are mouses and could transmit the plague and there was also a chance that Goofy was a stray, could have bitten me and givin me rabies. If Hannah Montana was around at the time, she would of convinced my father, who never drinks, to start drinking and then convince him to beat me. What a twat!" Nailed it! She's a total bitch!
YOU YOU YOU!
30 Things That Should Never Be Adapted to Film
Cereal characters. Some guy Photoshopped a picture of cereal characters, and then we gave him some money. Yes, it was sort of brilliant. But, c'mon. You could have come up with that? Make something awesome for this week's Supervillain Evil Plan Flowcharts and you can be.
Chinese History X.
Editor's pick (tie):
Robby always carries a sponge to wipe the pesky peasants off his work boots.
"I found the dope! Yeah, it was in his ass!"
"...And that's why it's called 'Poland'."
This Mary Poppins display has been sponsored by Astroglide.
I wish to complain about my male escort. I said Send me an Asian with a set of guns and packing something like a baby's arm. NOT THIS!!!!
"Honey, put another layer of guns on! It's cold outside!"
Ted cheats at thumb wrestling.
Editor's pick (tie):
"WHAT did you say about my Mother?!?! Hold me back Jimmy....hold me back."
"He's a real sweetie when he isn't hungry for souls."
Many don't realize that street bums are an entirely different species. Here we see Hobo Erectus in
the pupa stage.
....And that's why Optimus Prime doesn't let the autobots hang out with Richard Gere anymore.
Picture of a Jaguar giving birth.
Converse Trainers. When you absolutely positively have to kill every mother fucker in the room,
accept no substitute.
It was everyone's worst fear:
The emo kids... they were indesctructible...