The Greatest News Headline You’ll Ever Read
I gotta tell you, folks, there’s nothing more disappointing than spending four hours on an eight-page commentary on the life and times of Patrick Swayze as a tribute before he dies, only to find out, (and from the News on Cracked, no less), that he isn’t even fucking dying. So I will not be running that tribute today, as I had originally intended, but you can rest assured that it was tasteful, moving and it just might have healed the world a little bit. I would have moved you readers to tears with this tribute, but that shark-eyed bastard decided he’d rather stay alive a little bit longer. Selfish, really, if you think about it. I’ll hold on to it in case he ever does decide to move on to that great big Road House in the sky.
So, let’s move on to lighter news. Before I proceed, I don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression of me: I don’t normally read the National Ledger. In fact, I rarely venture far from this site to get my daily news, (which is why I learned about Swayze’s immortality through Lex Friedman), but I may have to start checking out the ole’ Ledger.
See, I was doing various Google searches, (“Hannah+Montana+Bitch,” “Hannah+Montana+Cancer,” “Hannah+Montana+Daniel+O’Brien,” “Hannah+Montana+Snake-Monster?”), when I stumbled upon quite possibly the greatest headline the internet has ever seen. That’s right, the National Ledger reports that “Despite Hannah Montana Success, Miley Cyrus is ‘Lonely.’” The story goes on to point out another episode of the awful, Christ-hating Miley And Mandy Show wherein Miley whines about being alone. What a bitch, right? Seems like all the fame, money, and success in the world can’t compensate for the fact that you’re fat-eyed Snake-Monster, can it? (It can’t.)
Man. I can’t wait till she turns 18 and I can legally murder her.
Now, I don’t want to take full credit for Montana’s loneliness. I mean, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think I played a small role, but really, it was all of us. All of the comments you heroes have been leaving are finally starting to get to her … Probably.
Anyway, last week, a handful of the comments came from people wondering why exactly there was so much hatred aimed at Hannah Montana. “What has she ever done wrong,” people asked. “She just seems like a regular, fifteen year old girl,” others pointed out. “Please stop sending her pictures of your genitals,” her lawyers warned. I can understand how it might not be clear why I’m campaigning against her. The world-devouring destructive force that is the Disney Machine has some pretty serious abilities in the brainwashing department. But if the 200 some odd comments of totally true Hannah Montana facts haven’t convinced you, perhaps a poorly photoshopped picture of her with a little Hitler moustache will do the trick.
Yeah. Now you understand. Anyway, lets move on to some of my favorite Mabisms from last week.
[Also, if any of you heroes wanna head on over to Wikipedia and edit her entry such that it reflects some of the facts featured on this blog … well I’m just sayin’ it wouldn’t go unnoticed. ]
“DIE BITCH DIE BITCH DIE BITCH DIE BITCH…” (it goes on like that) - Apocowarg
“When you shoot Hannah Montana, her body lies still sufficiently long enough for you to be reassured of her demise, then when you turn your back she gets back up again.” - MagicPaul
“Hannah Montana composts abortion-clinic leavings in her backyard in exchange for frequent-aborter discounts.” -Glenn God help me, I love painting Hannah Montana as a serial abortionist.-D.O.B.
“Is Hannah Montana the reason why we don’t have a “Nooner” today?” -Nadia Absolutely.-D.O.B.
“Hannah Montana put nipples in the bat suit” -alirio
“Hannah Montana likes soccer.”-suck poppet
“You know how sometimes you’re on the verge of falling asleep and you get that feeling like you’ve just lost your balance and are about to fall down? Hannah Montana.” -Doctor X
“Hannah Montana curbstomps orphans.”-Sean There was a lot of competition in the “Hannah Montana Does Something to Orphans” department. Curbstomping really resonated with me.-D.O.B.
“Hannah Montana is in the other room right now, telling your wife EVERYTHING.” -tashton
“Hannah Montanna is responsible for some truly terrible music.” -Andronicus Pantaloons
“Hannah Montana smuggles drugs in the hollowed-out bodies of babies.” -Kittcat141
“Too bad that even if Daniel’s blog beats Swaim’s record for most replies, Hannah Montana will keep him from getting a handjob.” -lbh Without a doubt, my least favorite of all of her black magic powers.-D.O.B.
“Hannah Montana raped our horses and rode off on our women!”-meowmix
“Hannah Montana made her first name a palindrome so its easier for Satan to worship her when he plays her records backwards.”-carpe cervisiam
“‘God is dead’ - Neitzche
‘Neitzche is dead’ - God
‘I ate God’ - Hannah Montana”- Commander Snarky
“Hannah Montana spits poison on newborns, then bathes in their blood in order to prolong her aging.” -Dr Jab
“hannah montana keeps the black man down.”-C She sure does, C. Be strong.-D.O.B
March 7th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Hannah Montana sneaks into my house and steals socks from my dryer.
March 7th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Hannah Montana wrote, produced, and directed “Meet the Spartans”
March 7th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Are you saying there’s something wrong with Meet the Spartans?!
March 7th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
I love meet the spartans. I’ve seen it and it rocks! Oh, wait, that was Meet the Titans, and that was not really that good. I actually saw that one. Shame.
March 7th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Hannah Montana is going to be legal in 2012.
In 2012, the world will end…
Just saying.
March 7th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Hannah Montana Superman-d your ho.
March 7th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Hannah Montana hates our freedom.
March 7th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Hannah Montana is responsible for soldja boy (and his coming grammy nod).
Hannah Montana is responsible for me missing last week’s post and not getting mentioned in this one.
Hannah Montana is only lonely because she immediately tortures and eventually kills and eats anyone who gets close to her.
Hannah Montana survives solely on mung.
Hannah Montana queefed up a grapefruit.
Hannah Montana dug up your grandpa’s corpse and took a shit on it.
Hannah Montana invented curbstomping.
Hannah Montana has made is her mission in life to seek out an destroy all expensive hats.
Hannah Montana is going to destroy the Arrested Development movie production so the movie may never come to be.
March 7th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Here I thought that I had gone too far. ‘No way will he mention that horrible thing that I wrote’, I thought. You have restored my faith in the sanctity of Cracked’s moral vacuum. Thank you.
I heard that Hannah Montana once donkey punched her abortionist knowing full well that her strap-on was indifferent to any additional stimulation that her actions might provide.
Hannah Montana was first discovered when she pulled herself out of Eva Braun’s chamber pot as a pre-term infant. These days she uses her unnatural strength to break the necks of song-birds, cuddly rabbits and small coyotes. She also waits up to an hour post-abortion to ‘bucket-stomp’ any of her own offspring, since she values her freedom.
March 7th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Hannah Montana is Awesome!
March 7th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Hannah Montana’s unborn children, if laid end to end, should be able to circle the globe, but they do not because their mother’s scorn causes them to line up in an efficient double-helix configuration. This fetus-sized DNA is the blueprint for the anti-christ.
March 7th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Hannah Montana made Dan O’Brien not feature one of my Hannah Montanisms this week.
March 7th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Hannah Montana once acted out a 7 hour version of the Aristocrats joke to a group of 8 year old school kids. It included 17 farm animals, excrement-a-plenty, 38 unborn foetuses and most disturbing of all, a 2 hour concert by Hannah Montana herself.
There were no survivors.
March 7th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Hannah Montana may cause the following side effects: Dry mouth, headache, insomnia, nausea, oily discharge, nosebleed, feelings of anxiety, unexplained rash or boils, diarrhea, constipation, constipation followed by high-volume diarrhea, carpal tunnel syndrome, blindness, psychosis, baldness, bleaching of the skin or hair, loss of bone mass, bulimia, suicidal urges, homicidal urges, genocidal urges, persistent cough, postnasal drip, explosive prolapse, male lactation, spontaneous lobotomy, wandering bladder, broad-spectrum cancer, enlarged prostate, shrunken prostate, miscarriage, desperate longing for death combined with an inability to die, radiation poisoning, malaria, leprosy, acute paranoia, sore throat, hallucinations, drowsiness, unshakable belief in one’s rightful status as Lord of the Dance, bone spurs, verruca, swamp taint, whole-body hair overgrowth, AIDS, support of Ron Paul, dry skin, joint pain, priapism, inability to control voice volume, sudden-onset rectal bleeding, cannibalism, unexplained hostility towards orphans and fetuses, loss of basic motor skills, random untraceable pain stimuli, diabetes, renal failure, increased flatulence, tooth decay, pneumonia, immune system suppression, screaming heebie jeebies, spontaneous skin loss, human combustion, alien abduction, red or dry eyes, unpleasantly memorable sexual encounters with Dan Rather, beatboxing, yeast infection, testicular torsion, deafness, mad cow disease, shortness of breath, and scabies.
Pregnant women should avoid exposure to Hannah Montana, as sensing the life growing within you may provoke her into pulling some seriously twisted Mola Ram shit.
Ask your doctor if Hanna Montana is right for you. If he says yes, he is lying. Grab the closest sharp object and lay about you with vigor.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
You know that feeling you get when you stand up too fast after sitting down for a long time? Like, your eyes blur, and your legs get weak? Well, when that happens, Hannah Montana is the one who pushes you over.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Hannah Montana puts brown M&M’s in Van Halen’s dressing room.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Masturbating to a picture of Hannah Montana is the quick and Easy way to sell your soul to the devil
March 7th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Hannah Montana Masturbates to newborns getting boiled in a vat and then has an acidic discharge.
Hannah Montana forces women to have heavy periods so she can take shots of menstral blood.
Hannah Montana gave Jimi Hendrix sleeping pills laced with arsenic.
There is no dark side of the moon, just a vast hole where Hannah Montana’s heart should be.
Hannah Montana’s father should of masturbated her out before he engaged in sexual intercourse with that poor underage lady he impregnated.
March 7th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Hannah Montana keeps Daniel O’Brien employed
March 7th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
The only pregnancies that Hannah Montana doesn’t prematurely terminate are those arising from her unholy unions with alpha-male dingos. Those multi-headed offspring guard the entrance to hell, not to protect us from demons as you might expect, but rather to protect the demons from Hannah Montana.
*Here is an edit of one I posted earlier:
Hannah Montana was first discovered when she pulled herself out of Eva Braun’s chamber pot as a pre-term infant. These days she uses her unnatural strength to break the necks of song-birds, cuddly rabbits and small coyotes. She also waits up to an hour post-abortion to ‘bucket-stomp’ any abortionlings of hers that survive, since she values her personal freedom above all else.
March 7th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
Hannah Montana: Apply directly to forehead of penis.
March 7th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Right after I get done with my shift at the Suicide hotline, I am going to put on my HM wig (which will be under my brand fucking new expensive hat) that I bought at Wal-Mart (not joking, they do have one) and buy a ticket to “Superhero Movie” at the local cinema.
MYTH: More people kill themselves over Hannah Montana.
FACT: More people kill themselves from reading Mabisms. Seriously, Christian Satan is jealous.
March 7th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
Hannah Montana killed Freddie Mercury.
March 8th, 2008 at 12:03 am
Hannah Montana is quite unpleasant.
March 8th, 2008 at 12:03 am
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SCREW GLOBAL WARMING, DESTROY HANNAH MONTANA IMMEDIATLY!
March 8th, 2008 at 12:56 am
Hannah Montana is responsible for a months worth of stale Cracked updates
March 8th, 2008 at 1:50 am
Hannah Montana forced D.O.B. at gunpoint to mispell “scheisse”
March 8th, 2008 at 1:55 am
tHannah Montana went back in time and vandalized her own wiki page with mabisms to prevent cracked readers from doing it long before they ever wrote the originals. While faking tears for her public shame, a then still-capable-of-love D.O.B. came to her side and eventually they were married. She then laid her eggs in him, and the universe collapsed.
March 8th, 2008 at 2:17 am
CoMa, my spelling of “Shiza” comes from Urban Dictionary, where all of my learning comes from. (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=shiza)
As for your second post, I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about.
March 8th, 2008 at 2:50 am
Hannah Montana is Jar Jar Binks
You know those things they supposedly have over in africa that crawl into your urethra and then jut out spikes? Hannah Montana.
Evey time a child dies Hannah Montana makes another ten grand. coincidence? you decide.
(it’s not).
March 8th, 2008 at 2:52 am
Hannah Montana drinks a dead baby smoothie at every meal.
March 8th, 2008 at 2:58 am
Hannah Montana took Max Cleland’s limbs. She likes to nibble on them every time she rants about how much she hates freedom. … And the Jews, man she really hates the Jews.
Hannah Montana owned United Fruit, but then she thought it just got way too lenient for her tastes and she sold the company.
Have you ever seen the Saw movies? All those torture devices are real contraptions invented by Hannah Montana for her to strap her minions into for her enjoyment. Oh, how she’ll cackle and swoon as she watches them try to cut their own eyes out or rip off pieces of their flesh. No one ever wins these games, though. There is no winning with Hannah Montana. Her favorite is the smashing some one’s head with 2 blocks of ice so their head explodes device that killed Donny Wahlberg in Saw 4.
March 8th, 2008 at 3:30 am
Hannah Montana hijacks schoolbuses and takes them to Michael Jacksons house.
March 8th, 2008 at 3:34 am
You know that person who always says hello as you walk by everyday and it brightens your day a bit? Hannah Montana is waiting until you have a bad day so she can eat them.
March 8th, 2008 at 3:48 am
Hannah Montana invented Hannah Montana.
March 8th, 2008 at 5:47 am
Hannah Montana is responsible for that girl you like not contacting you back after the first date. Then she’ll lie about it, but she secretly told her not to call you because you have ‘issues’.
You’ll be all “what the fuck Hannah Montana? What did you say to her?” And she’ll say “I didn’t say anything! What are you talking about dude?”
But she’s obviously lying.
Bitch.
March 8th, 2008 at 6:11 am
Hannah Montana has forced Will Ferrell to make formulaic Will-Ferrell-movies ever since Anchorman, by threatening to hatch the eggs she implanted in his colon via violent tentacle-rape.
March 8th, 2008 at 7:05 am
She looks kinda cute with that mustache.
March 8th, 2008 at 7:32 am
Hannah Montana burns down cancer wards and warms her scaly claws on the roasting souls of the children.
March 8th, 2008 at 8:22 am
“The day will come when the Lords wrath will descend upon all mankind, and Hannah Montana will once again walk the Earth as punishment for our inequities.” - Rev. 3:21
March 8th, 2008 at 10:14 am
Hannah Montana does something to orphans.
Hannah Montana’s faults are repeatedly exagerrated through hyperbole for the purposes of predictable humour. She must be stopped, that evil crack witch!
March 8th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Hannah Montana caused CoMa7oSe to misspell his name AND add a “t” before hers!
March 8th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Hannah Montana comes into my room every night and circumcises me. Every damn night.
March 8th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Hannah Montana killed Hellen Keller.
March 8th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Hannah Montana wrote and directed Batman & Robin.
Hannah Montana introduced Elvis to pills.
Hannah Montana gave birth to Phil Collins.
Hannah Montana´s mother was artificially inseminated. With Hitler´s sperm.
March 8th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Christopher Reeves fell of his horse because Hannah Montana nailed him with force lightening, that Sith bitch. Is she the apprentice or the master? *Cut to profile shot of Billy Ray Cyrus*
March 8th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
*off his horse
March 8th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Hannah Montana is Uwe Boll
March 8th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Remember that myth where that girl opened Pandora’s Box? Yeah, turns out all that shit the myth says flew out was actually Hannah Montana.
March 8th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Hannah Montana enjoys Micheal Bay movies.
March 8th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Hannah Montana sodomizes penguins and squirrels with a chainsaw strap-on.
March 8th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
“Shit” in German is actually spelled “Scheiße” with the “ß” making the same sound as “ss.” I just didn’t want people to be ignorant of how to spell shit in German incorrectly. And while were on it, Hannah Montana ißt Scheiße und Katzen zum Frühstück
March 8th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Hannah Montana is the reason no one where’s hats anymore.
March 8th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Shit. No one ‘wear’s hats anymore. First comment and I cocked it up. I shall repeat.
March 8th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Hannah Montana is the reason no one wears hats anymore.
March 8th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Also the reason duels went out of fashion. Anyone else miss duelling? Or canes? Or sword-canes? Or duelling with sword-canes? Or women who knew their place?
March 8th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
No sir, I do not care for this “Hannah Montana.” She is a blight upon the terrestrial and celestial spheres and a contemptible cur. Hannah Montana, I turn my nose up at you, that should teach you what’s what.
March 8th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Charleston F. Pinkerton, Esq.! Now, you sound like a man who’d miss duelling! And sword-canes.
March 8th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Hannah Montana is the reason you have to shave that whole monobrow thing you got going there.
March 8th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Hannah Montana body count beats Gacy’s, Dahmer’s, Bundy’s, and Berkowitz’s combined.
March 8th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Hannah montana won a dance off to save the rec centre, then destroyed it anyway
March 8th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Hannah Montana stole the cookie from the cookie jar. That bitch.
March 8th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Hannah Montana created ebaumsworld.
March 8th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Hannah Montana gave Patrick Swayze cancer. Then she lied about him dying soon.
March 8th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Has anyone had the presence of mind to post a link to Cracked on Hanna Montana’s Youtube page?
March 8th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
I miss sword-canes
March 8th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
I wanna put on my cowboy boots and stomp on her maggot ridden vulva.
March 8th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
I miss duelling.
March 8th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
I heard Hannah Montana can’t drive a stick, what a cunt.
March 8th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
I heard that once Hannah Montana was at a party and double dipped her nachos in the pureed afterbirth that she serves at all her parties.
March 8th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
Hannah Montana stole your bike when you were 9 and ran over your dog with it.
March 8th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
Bill Clinton turned down Hannah Montana.
March 8th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Oh and Hannah Montana let herself out of Pandora’s box.
March 8th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Microbiologists have discovered that Hannah Montana is an enormous HIV cell, infecting everything that she touches with her positive attitude and HIV.
March 8th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
Hannah Montana created every vending machine that doesn’t give you your candy or drink after you put your money in. She consumes the items that rightfully belong to you as she watches Norbit (which she financed).
March 9th, 2008 at 1:40 am
Hannah Montana is responsible for the 80s.
March 9th, 2008 at 1:51 am
Hannah Montana put 1cup in 2girls
March 9th, 2008 at 3:23 am
Hannah Montana wishes you would die.
March 9th, 2008 at 3:25 am
Hannah Montana is the reason “Norbit” got an Oscar nomination
Hannah Montana was a by-product of the Atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima
Hannah Montana’s voice causes grand mal seizures
Hannah Montana convinced David Cross to take the role in “Alvin and the Chipmunks”
Hannah Montana is the ninth circle of Hell
The video from “The Ring” was originally a Hannah Montana concert, but the producers soon discovered that it was causing mass murder/suicides, so they had to change it to something less evil.
David Lynch was slated to direct a Hannah Montana movie, but turned it down, saying it was “too fucked up”… even for him
Many people say that the song “Helter Skelter” incited Charles Manson to commit his violent crimes.
Who is Helter Skelter? Hannah Montana
March 9th, 2008 at 5:58 am
Water boarding is a technique first developed by Hannah Montana during the Spanish Inquisition.
Everyone says that Hannah Montana discovered America, but how do you “Discover” something that is in already inhabited by millions of people?
Hannah Montana stole the prototype for the lightbulb from Nicola Tesla.
March 9th, 2008 at 9:05 am
Hannah Montana waits until you are low on hit points and then respawns enemies right next to you.
Hannah Montana once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
March 9th, 2008 at 9:13 am
Hannah Montana spits in your mouth while you sleep
Hannah Montana shakes babies
The Necronomicon is actually excerpts from Hannah Montana’s diary
March 9th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Hannah Montana did it for the lulz.
March 9th, 2008 at 9:38 am
Hannah Montana convinced Fox to cancel Firefly and Futurama.
Hannah Montana convinced Buffy she’s the right actor to play Alice.
Hannah Montana always avoids dolphin safe tuna.
Hannan Montana only buys clothes made in sweatshops.
Hannah Montana stole my innocence.
March 9th, 2008 at 9:42 am
Hannah Montana is Tony Montana’s sister… and SHE’S the black sheep of that family!
March 9th, 2008 at 9:44 am
What’s the difference between a BMW and a pile of dead babies? Hannah Montana doesn’t have a BMW in her garage.
March 9th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Hannah Montana eats dick for breakfast.
March 9th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
The end of time will come when Hannah Montana’s new album “Worship Me” is released and hits number 1 on the charts in mere seconds. Hannah Montana will absorb the souls of every single person who buys it and use the combined power of their souls to transform into her monstrous second form: Ultra Hannah. She will then ravage the whole world and devour every human she meets, and only Chuck Norris can stop her. When it is time for the final confrontation, Hannah will mercilessly torture Chuck by forcing him to watch Miley & Mandy Show while her father sings his shitty song. Chuck Norris will, however, overcome the torture and vanquish the monstrous beast with his all-powerful roundhouse kick, but after being defeated, Hannah Montana will change to her final form: Omega Hannah. Using her supreme power, she will defeat Chuck Norris and cast him down to the bowels of Niflheim. She will then proceed to wreak havoc upon the entire galaxy, completely exterminating all life in several solar systems. After twenty years of evil and brutality, Chuck Norris will have fought himself through all of Hell itself, and defeat Satan to return to life. He will then assemble an army of bloodlusting intergalactic vikings, and proceed to destroy the evil of Hannah Montana forever.
March 9th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
‘Hannah Montana is a boner-biting asshole unclefucker
March 9th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Hannah Montana won’t put up with your hijinks, but she will crack your cranium and drink the sweet brain juice as it contains many antioxidants….just sayin’
March 9th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Saddam and Hitler had one thing in common. They were in the Hannah Montana fanclub.
March 9th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Hannah Montana made your girlfriend pregnant.
Killing Hannah Montana may spontaneously cause Christmas.
Daniel O’ Brien is Hannah Montana.
March 9th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
Cthulhu is dreaming of Hannah Montana.
March 9th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
Hannah Montana is sneaking in to car and raping their motorists.
Hannah Montana mistakes cremains for cocaine.
Hannah Montana really did have a rodent removed from her anus.
Hannah Montana have a gallon of semen removed form her stomach every day even though she has never given oral sex to anyone (or anything they look at her and they run away in fear !)
If you EVER liked Hannah Montana and your under 16 you have to have an exorcism or you become part of her.
Hannah Montana is responsible for Dustin the Turkey singing in the eurovision.
Hannah Montana owns ALL the easten european Hostels.
Hannah Montana is swabbing the buttons and receivers of pay telephones with a deadly combination of LSD and strychnine.
Hannah Montana can vomit at will.
March 9th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Hannah Montana is plotting the earth’s demise right now.
Hannah Montana leans like a cholo
March 9th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Hannah Montana gives me a raging huge bonner.
March 9th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Hannah Montana invented bad, not-funny Mabisms.
March 9th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst. But he still has 5 weeks left, right? So now I hope miracle would happen on him. What a talented man! An exceptional actor, dancer, and singer. I have always enjoyed his films. And “One Last Dance” is my favorite: dealstudio.com/searchdeals.php?deal_id=88542&ru=279 , anyone see it? A nice film he has acted. My best to the Swayze family!
March 9th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
Hannah Montana gave birth to Al Gore via asshole.
March 9th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Hannah Montana put an extra “n” in Liz Barclay’s raging huge boner.
Hannah Montana is Amy Winehouse’s personal stylist.
Hannah Montana taught Amy Winehouse how to snort vodka.
Hannah Montana snorts the dusty remains of the dead & crumbled dreams of broken-hearted orphans.
Hannah Montana wants a “do over” for the Florida and Michigan primaries.
Hannah Montana has a secret crush on Rush Limbaugh.
Hannah Montana is the reason why you over-slept on the morning of the most important job interview of your life.
Listening to Hannah Montana music is the leading cause of mental retardation in the *U.S., Canada and the U.K..
*In Alabama and parts of W.Virginia, you actually gain I.Q. points.
Hannah Montana thinks Mormons are “hip”, but Nazis are “way cooler”.
All of Hannah Montana’s lampshades are decorated with tattoos.
March 9th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Hannah Montana invented racism.
March 9th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
I would like to point out that in my Wawa, right down the street, they sell “Hannah Montana Nutrition Protein Bars!!!”
Disney is NOT this desperate for money…..
March 9th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Hannah Montana was in 2girls1cup. She wasn’t either of the girls, or the cup.
I heard about four seconds of a Hannah Montana song on accident and now I have five broken ribs.
Hannah Montana pissed on R Kelly.
March 9th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
“Bill Clinton turned down Hannah Montana”
Out of all the Hannah Montana bullshit on here, that statement is the least believable.
“Listening to Hannah Montana music is the leading cause of mental retardation in the *U.S., Canada and the U.K..
*In ALABAMA and parts of W.Virginia, you actually gain I.Q. points”.
Watch it now.
March 9th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
Marilyn Manson? More like Hannah Montana tribute band.
March 9th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Hannah Montana prays every night that everyone explodes
March 9th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
I tried to edit her wikipida entry but hannah montana sent her demon spawn to stop me
March 9th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
hannah montana invented scientology.
Hannah Montana is the Ragnarok.
March 10th, 2008 at 3:49 am
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ASSHOLE!! YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU LIKE ABOUT HANNAH GODDAMN MONTANA. I COME FROM ENGLAND AND WE PRETTY MUCH DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO SHE IS HERE. I THINK THAT DURING THE 2ND WORLD WAR WE HAD THE FORESIGHT TO PUT UP SOME SORT OF PSYCHIC MIND BARRIER TO STOP HER INFILTRATING. BUT WHEN YOU INSULT HER FATHER (IM LOOKING AT YOU SpickEnriquez), THE MAN WHO BROUGHT US THE CLASSIC TUNE “ACHY BREAKY HEART”, WHICH GOT ME THROUGH SOME TERRIBLE TIMES AND IS POSSIBLY THE GREATEST LOVE SONG OF ALL TIME, WELL THEN SIR, YOU HAVE A FIGHT ON YOUR HANDS!!!!!
I used caps to suggest anger as i am, indeed, very angry.
March 10th, 2008 at 4:01 am
Hannah Montana created anger for the sole purpose of fulfilling DaleRKD. (She created ALL-CAPS too)
March 10th, 2008 at 8:00 am
Hannah Montana broke DaleRKDs caps lock key
March 10th, 2008 at 8:03 am
Hannah Montana sold the junk to Jimmi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Bon Scott, and River Phoenix. Kurt Cobain got it on his own.
Hannah Montana killed the drummer from Spinal Tap.
March 10th, 2008 at 8:08 am
Hannah Montana introduced John Lennon to Yoko
March 10th, 2008 at 8:10 am
Banging Hannah Montana was more like throwing a hotdog down a hallway. Just no tred left on the tire. I would have had more fun banging an empty bottle of bleach.
March 10th, 2008 at 8:56 am
Hannah Montana told Fred Durst that he was a good singer and should start a band.
Hannah Montana talked Hitler’s mom out of having an abortion.
March 10th, 2008 at 9:40 am
MetalBrainSurgery, Hannah Montana can’t be the Ragnarok, she is not badass or metal enough, you know that.
March 10th, 2008 at 10:00 am
Hannah Montana was the one who mad Eve eat the apple…if it wasn’t for her we would still be chilling in paradise.
March 10th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Hannah Montana thinks waterboarding is a cool thing to do in the summertime.
March 10th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
At the mere age of 7, Hanna Montana made the fateful decision to put an end to the 90’s.
March 10th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Hannah Montana killed Gary Gygax.
March 10th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Hannah killed Tupac.
Then she ate him.
She was also the one who shot 50 Cent 9 times. When he didn’t die she decided she could use his immortality in her new world order, so she paid for his hospital bill.
Oh…and she messed my teeth up at birth so that I have to have braces for 3 1/2 years.
March 10th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Have people made fun of the Jonas Brothers yet? I mean, they’re like, a two-for-one with Montana, and they suck (inconceivable!) just as hard.
Plus, I think calling them the Judas Brothers is pretty funny.
March 10th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Hannah Montana killed Frank Castle’s family.
March 10th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Hanna Montana is sending you a Cease & Desist letter.
March 10th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Spawn of Hitler is the reason why I drink, she also has kept the Cubs from winning a World Series in the last 100 years-damn communist
March 10th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Did you really send her a picture of your genitals? Gosh, that’s such a great idea!! We should all do that and send them to her. Then she will get hundreds of papercuts and bleed to death.
March 10th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Hannah Montana is the reason I can never go in a basement again.
I listened to a Hannah Montana song once. I now have to look over my shoulder every three minutes to ward off her summoned creatures.
Hannah Montana is in the next room, raping your pets and children, and pissing on all of your food. If you try to stop her, she will simply go to her Ninth form, Uber Immortal Hannah, and curb stomp you. After this, she will rape your soul.
March 11th, 2008 at 2:39 am
hannah montana is Niarlathotep in disguise, shes waiting to open the door to her pals: Cthulhu and Azagthot to destroy the world and make a hell of a party
March 11th, 2008 at 3:10 am
Hannah Montana is afflicted with the world’s only TRUE case of vagina dentatis.
March 11th, 2008 at 3:33 am
i try to kill hannah montana once, i only get myself rape T_T
March 11th, 2008 at 3:39 am
hannah montana tell gene simons that a sex film would make everyone happier
March 11th, 2008 at 3:43 am
hannah montana was the mayor of Silent Hill town, and highest priestess.
March 11th, 2008 at 3:45 am
hannah montana make you FAT
hannah montana make everybody mock of you in high school
March 11th, 2008 at 4:08 am
join the hannah montana un-dead army, she’ll fight along with Hellm in the Ragnarok, against the gods from Valhalla
March 11th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Hannah Montana is one of the most skilled players of fighting video games in the world and knows how to do every combo and special move; but she still uses the button-mashing cheapout method JUST TO PISS YOU OFF.
March 11th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Hannah Montana broke a thermometer off in my cock.
March 11th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
The Mayans predicted that the world would end in 2012. This just happens to be the year the Hannah “The Antichrist” Montana turns 18. Coincidence? I think not!
March 11th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Hannah Montana won’t leggo my Eggo.
Wife or girlfriend won’t swallow? Hannah Montana.
Hannah Montana waited until you bought that TV, then she dropped the price 200 bucks the next day.
Soylent Green is Hannah Montana.
Hannah Montana invented childproof packaging.
Remember when you were a kid and you had that terrible recurring nightmare? Hannah Montana didn’t have anything to do with that, but she does perform pediatric surgery without anesthetic.
Hannah Montana beat Lassie to death with a horseshoe. Then she gave birth on the corpse.
Hannah Montana quit smoking when you couldn’t, scored higher on the SAT than you, and introduced your wife to that black guy that she won’t stop talking about.
Hannah Montana likes Britney Spears.
Hannah Montana invented ASCII art.
“Hannah Montana in the ballroom with a candlestick” has nothing to do with Clue. Pictures of the event have been described by Tubgirl as “the most horrible and disgusting thing I have ever seen.”
March 11th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Posting comments about planning to murder someone tend to result in people going to jail. I’m sure that having pages of posts describing your hatred of a fifteen year-old girl will go over swimmingly when you’re sued and/or arrested. Not to say that some of the HMisms aren’t funny, but well… they kinda aren’t. In the end, it all boils down to a bunch of people posting hateful things that they think are funny about a teenager who’s wildly successful and hasn’t had any brushes with the law, drug or alcohol problems, teen pregancy issues or sex scandals. As a single parent with four daughters, I have to admit that she’s a pretty good example of a teenage girl for kids today. Hopefully she can keep it together better than Lindsey or Britney.
March 11th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Hannah Montana drinks my milkshake.
March 11th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Hannah Montana defiles corpses for her sexual pleasure.
March 11th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
@DrPayne: I don’t know if you’ve noticed…this is a comedy website. lots of dick jokes, bathroom humor and general irreverence. Pretty much everything is fair game. Adults and Not-So-Adults get to regress a little and blow off some steam. If you are taking any of this seriously, you’re the only one.
Go back to iVillage, dear, and try not to come back until the next time you feel an all consuming need to feel superior.
March 11th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Yeah, okay…but like…Hannah Montana, though I’m not a fan of her music or style, does not deserved to be publically despised in a news article on cracked.com. Though I do admit some of the comments made me laugh ^^
March 12th, 2008 at 1:24 am
@DrPainy: fucking chill, this is just a fucking joke!! thanks for fucked the fun, hannah montana will come for you tonight and then rape you.
March 12th, 2008 at 7:37 am
Hannah Montana stole Dr. Payne’s sense of humour.
March 12th, 2008 at 8:01 am
Hannah Montana made the comments section too long to read while at work.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:53 am
I know I sound stupid, but does anyone besides me think Seig’s accent is kind of adorable?
March 12th, 2008 at 10:08 am
You were right.
March 12th, 2008 at 10:29 am
@DrPayne I agree with you all this just started because is Daniel O’Brien
a. jealous of Hannah Montana
b. is using these jokes to cover up his pedophilic desires for Hannah Montana.
c. and that stems from unrequited homoeroctic desires for Will Ferrell.
d. and in all actuality this is just a brilliant scheme playing upon the misogynistic nature of most the cracked commentators to run up his number of comments so he can get the Cracked.com monthly bonus for most comments, which is paid in anal sex, instead of Michael Swaim.
e. and apparently his master plan is working out rather well.
March 12th, 2008 at 10:39 am
Jesus, people. Yeah, the Hannah Montana bits are harsh, but are about as important as the Chuck Norris facts. Like the CN facts, the HM facts are completely ridiculous and therefore hilarious.
The only difference is that the Chuck Norris facts are fictitious while the Hannah Montana facts are all 100% true.
March 12th, 2008 at 10:47 am
and
f. My above comments were meant to be construed as sarcasm.
g. except the homoeroctic dersires for Will Ferrell, I’m pretty sure DOB is all gay for him.
March 12th, 2008 at 10:52 am
g. Who isn’t?
March 12th, 2008 at 11:02 am
h. Chuck fucking Norris , that’s who.
March 12th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
i. Sorry Glendoor42, Hannah Montana made Chuck Norris TOTALLY gay for Will Ferrell too.
@glendoor42: See…I knew I sounded stupid before and admiitted as much, but it still makes me a little sad that you felt I needed to have it confirmed. If I pissed you off with the “Alabama” comment you have my sincere apology. It was a random choice.
After DOB’s second HM post I started to get the feeling that there may have been some kind of amateur psychology experiment going here. Instead of volunteers pushing a button that they think is inflicting a painful electric shock to an anonymous subject in another room, Daniel has, with very little encouragement, gotten a lot of normally kind & mature people saying some truly horrible things about someone they’ve never met.
We may never know if Daniel truely has issues with HM/MC or if any squeaky-clean, scandal free celebrity would have sufficed and the dart landed on her instead of Dakota Fanning. What the heck, I’m home sick and this beats doing the laundry.
March 12th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
I was just being a smartass. I had actually forgot about the Alabama comment, until now and now I’m pissed.
Alabama is a fine state that has produced such fine personages as Gomer Pyle and Goober Pyle, yes the two stupidest motherfuckers from Mayberry were from Alabama.
Forrest Gump, who isn’t real, but did have to pee and the fictional town of GreenBow is based on a town about an hour and a half from where I live .
Also it is also a state that people called the University of Alabama Athletic Dept and wanted to know when Forrest Gump played. The coach at the time, Gene Stallings, told them that Forrest was not real but he sure wished he had him on the team at the time.
Flo Castleberry, the waitress on the show Alice ,that fucked everything that moved.
Also these people
Hank Aaron, baseball player (Mobile)
Ralph Abernathy, civil rights activist (Linden)
Daniel Alarcón, novelist (Birmingham)
Mel Allen, sportscaster - NY Yankees 1938-1963 (Birmingham)
Bobby Allison, race car driver, (Hueytown)
Donnie Allison, race car driver, (Hueytown)
Davey Allison, race car driver, (Hueytown)
Mike Armstrong, winner of the 1974 Mr. Alabama bodybuilding title (Birmingham)
Richard Arrington Jr., first black mayor of (Birmingham)
John Badham, film director (Birmingham)
Mary Badham, actress (Birmingham)
Tallulah Bankhead, actress (Huntsville)
Helmut Bann, poet, writer and singer (Huntsville)
Charles Barkley, basketball player (Leeds)
Mark Barnes, prominent New York attorney (Dadeville)
Beverly Barton, romance writer (Tuscumbia)
Paul Bearer, WWE Manager/ wrestling promoter (Mobile)
Sam A. Beatty, law professor, Ala Sup Ct Justice (Tuscaloosa)
Amber Benson, actress (Birmingham)
Bo Bice, American Idol contestant (Huntsville)
Michael Biehn, actor (Anniston)
Sanford Bishop, U.S. congressman (Mobile)
Bibi Black, classical trumpeter (Huntsville)
Hugo Black, senator, jurist (Harlan)
Lucas Black, actor (Speake)
Winton Blount, businessman (Union Springs)
Neil Bonnett, race car driver (Hueytown)
Bobby Bowden, Florida State University football coach (Birmingham)
Rich Boy, rapper (Mobile)
Rick Bragg, Pulitizer prize-winning author (Possum Trot)
David G. Bronner, CEO for Retirement Systems of Alabama (Montgomery) born Cresco, Iowa
Janice Rogers Brown, Judge, United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit (Luverne)
Johnny Mack Brown, actor (Dothan)
Paul “Bear” Bryant, University of Alabama football coach (Tuscaloosa) born Morro Bottom, Arkansas
Jimmy Buffett, singer/songwriter (Mobile)
Oteil Burbridge, bassist
Edward A. Burkhalter, Dir-Intel Comm,Admiral-US Navy, Ch-Steelcloud (Roanoke)
John Michael Burton,(writer/author) Dadeville
Brett Butler, comedian (Montgomery)
Pat Buttram, actor (”Smiley,” Gene Autry’s sidekick) (Gadsden)
Larry Byrom, Steppenwolf guitarist (Huntsville)
Mr. Bigg, rap artist (Mobile)
Nell Carter, actress and singer (Birmingham)
George Washington Carver, scientist and botanist (Tuskegee) born Diamond, Missouri
Truman Capote, writer (Monroeville) born New Orleans, Louisiana
Reg E. Cathey, actor, The Wire, The Corner, and Oz (Huntsville)
Beth Chapman, Alabama Secretary of State and former State Auditor
Fred Child, host of American Public Media’s Performance Today (Huntsville)
Mark Childress, writer (Monroeville)
C-Nile, Rapper (Mobile)
Nat King Cole, singer (Montgomery)
Marva Collins, educator (Monroeville)
Jeff Cook, country musician (Fort Payne)
Charles J. Cooper, former Assistant US Attorney General (Birmingham)
L E Cooper, Advisor, Atty, Author, Banker (Roanoke) (See also Connecticut List)
Jayce Cosper,author, educator, actor (Montevallo, Alabama)
Jerricho Cotchery, football player, New York Jets (Birmingham)
Dennis Covington, writer (Birmingham)
Courteney Cox, actress (Mountain Brook)
Rick Crawford, Nascar Craftsman Truck Series driver (Mobile)
Brodie Croyle, NFL Quarterback (Rainbow City)
Hosea Chanchez,Actor Born in Montgomery
Angela Davis, activist (Birmingham)
N. Jan Davis, astronaut (born Cocoa Beach, Florida, grew up in Huntsville)
Morris Dees, founder of Southern Poverty Law Center (Montgomery)
Sam Dees, soul music singer (Birmingham)
Donna D’Errico, actress (Dothan)
Diana DeGarmo, American Idol contestant (Birmingham)
Kim Dickens, actress (Huntsville)
Chris Dickerson, bodybuilder (born Montgomery)
Mahala Ashley Dickerson, lawyer (born Montgomery)
Jessica Dixon, singer, writer, pro volley ball player (Montgomery)
Christopher Dixon, comedy, trumpeter (Montgomery)
Melinda Dillon, actress (Cullman)
Deidre Downs, 2005 Miss America (Pelham)
Benjamin Minge Duggar (1872-1956), botanist; discoverer of tetracycline
Luther Duncan (1875-1947), 4-H pioneer; educator and administrator (Auburn)
Bobby Eaton, pro wrestler (Huntsville)
Cleveland Eaton, jazz bassist (Birmingham)
Dennis Edwards, soul singer (Birmingham)
Joe F. Edwards, Jr., NASA astronaut (Roanoke and Lineville)
James Reese Europe, bandleader and composer (Mobile)
Paul Finebaum, columnist, author, radio talk show host (Birmingham) born Memphis, Tennessee
Howard Finster, folk artist (Valley Head)
Fannie Flagg, author and actress (Birmingham)
Louise Fletcher, actress (Birmingham)
Jim Folsom, Governor (1947-1951) (Cullman)
Melvin Franklin, soul singer (Montgomery)
A.G. Gaston, African-American businessman (Birmingham)
Teddy Gentry, country musician (Alabama) (Fort Payne)
Charles Ghigna (Father Goose), poet and children’s author (Homewood)
Kenneth A. Gibson, first black mayor of major eastern city (Newark, New Jersey, from 1970 to 1986) (Enterprise)
Kenneth R. Giddens, long term director of Voice of America; TV/radio station founder (Pine Apple)
Harvey Glance, track athlete (Phenix City)
DJ Glass, Supreme Dictator of the New World Order (Mobile)
Bobby Goldsboro, singer (Dothan)
William C. Gorgas, U. S. Army Surgeon General (Mobile)
Mike Gottfried, former college football coach, ESPN commentator (Mobile)
Urbie Green, jazz trombonist (Mobile)
Kevin Greene, NFL player (Anniston)
Steve Grissom, race car driver (Gadsden)
Winston Groom, author of Forrest Gump (Fairhope)
Lafayette Guild, pioneer in the research of yellow fever (Tuscaloosa)
Sarah Haardt, writer, wife of H. L. Mencken (Montgomery)
Jon Hand, football player (Sylacauga)
Mia Hamm, U.S. soccer star (Selma)
Lionel Hampton, jazz musician (Birmingham)
W. C. Handy, jazz composer (Florence)
John M. Harbert, billionaire businessman (coal mining)(Mountain Brook)
Marguerite Harbert, billionaire heiress (Mountain Brook)
Waid Harbison, author (Cullman)
Emmylou Harris, singer (Birmingham)
William R. Harvey, president of Hampton University (Brewton
Gustav Hasford, writer, screen-writer (Russellville)
Erskine Hawkins, jazz composer (Birmingham)
Howell Heflin, judge-CJ Ala Sup Ct, US Senator (1978-97) (born Poulan, Georgia)
Rosalyn Heights, singer (Mobile)
John S. Hendricks, Founder, Chair & CEO of Discovery Networks (Huntsville)
Vic Henley, comedian (Oxford)
Alexis Herman, former Secretary of Labor, (Mobile)
Jake Hess, gospel quartet singer, (Haleyville)
Taylor Hicks, American Idol winner 2006 (Hoover)
J. Lister Hill, US Senator (1938-1969) (Montgomery
Sylvia Hitchcock, Miss USA and Miss Universe 1967 (Tuscaloosa}
Bill Holbrook, syndicated comic strip artist (Huntsville)
Mitch Holleman, TV star (Reba) (Auburn, Alabama)
Lonnie Holley, artist (Birmingham)
Polly Holliday, actress (Jasper)
Nall Hollis, artist (Arab)
Condredge Holloway, CFL player (Huntsville)
Hardcore Holly, WWE star, (Mobile)
Evander Holyfield, boxer, (Atmore)
Robert Horry, basketball player (Andalusia)
Frank House, baseball player and legislator (Bessemer)
Linda Howard, romance writer (Gadsden)
Freeman A. Hrabowski III, academic, university president (Birmingham)
James Byron Huggins, writer, activist (Decatur)
William Bradford Huie, journalist, author (Hartselle)
Alan Hunter, original MTV VeeJay (Birmingham)
Bo Jackson, multi-sport athlete (Bessemer)
Kate Jackson, actress (Birmingham)
Sonny James, country singer (Hackleburg)
Mae C. Jemison, first African American female in space (Decatur)
Lonnie Johnson, inventor of the Super Soaker (Mobile)
Dean Jones, actor (Decatur)
Orlando Jones, actor (Mobile)
Lee Roy Jordan, Bama All Am & pro football linebacker Dallas Cowboys (Excel)
Ralph “Shug” Jordan, Auburn University football coach (Auburn)
Tom Joyner, radio personality (Tuskegee)
J Juliano, singer/songwriter for Little Nashville, Country for Kids (Hoover)
Helen Keller, writer (Tuscumbia)
Eddie Kendricks, soul singer (Union Springs)
Jimmy Key, baseball pitcher (Huntsville)
Caitlín R. Kiernan, writer and paleontologist (Leeds)
Martin Luther King III, civil rights leader (Montgomery)
William R. King, Senator, U.S. Vice-President (Cahaba)
Yolanda King, actress and daughter of Martin Luther King, Jr. (Montgomery)
Hank Klibanoff, Pulitzer prize-winning author, Atlanta Journal-Constitution Managing Editor (Florence)
Craig Knowles, founder of Alabama Republican Party (Huntsville)
Larry Langford, Mayor of Birmingham
Adam Lazzara, lead singer of Taking Back Sunday (Sheffield)
Harper Lee, writer (Pulitzer Prize) (Monroeville)
Carl Lewis, track and field athlete (Birmingham)
George Lindsey, actor (Jasper)
Donald Logan, former chairman of Time Warner (Birmingham)
Joe Louis, heavy weight champion boxer (Lafayette)
Joseph Lowery, civil rights leader (Huntsville)
Mitch Lucas, sports writer, novelist (Vernon)
Rebecca Luker, singer and actress (Helena)
Shelby Lynne, country singer (Frankville)
Alfred Malone, NFL player, Houston Texans (Frisco City)
Wallace D Malone Jr, CEO of SouthTrust Bank (Dothan)
Joshua E. Manning, US Navy veteran, activist (Gadsden)
William March, writer, World War I hero (Mobile)
Harold E. Martin, Pulitzer Prize-winning newspaperman, formerly with the Montgomery Advertiser
Hugh Martin, songwriter (Birmingham)
James D. Martin, Republican politician
F. David Mathews, educator (Grove Hill)
Willie Mays, baseball player (Birmingham)
Robert R. McCammon, horror writer (Birmingham)
Thomas McClary, guitarist (Commodores) (Tuskegee)
Willie McCovey, baseball player (Mobile)
Bryant H. McGill, poet (Mobile)
Alexander McGillivray, Creek Chief, Little Tallassee (Montgomery)
Lachlan McGillivray, Scots-Indian trader, Little Tallassee (Montgomery)
Joe McInnes, corporate executive, state exec (Wetumpka)
James McQueen, first (1714) Alabama Indian trader and Creek Indian leader, Tallassee (Montgomery)
Don Mincher, baseball player (Huntsville)
Charles Moore, civil rights photojournalist (Hackleburg)
Rodney Keith Moore, gay American polyglot (Florence)
Thomas Hinman Moorer, admiral Chairman JCS (Mount Willing)
Roger Murrah, country songwriter (Athens)
Albert Murray, writer (Nokomis)
Jim Nabors, actor (Sylacauga)
Joe Namath, college football star at the University of Alabama, NFL quarterback with the New York Jets (Tuscaloosa; born Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania)
Larry Nelson, PGA golfer (Fort Payne)
Ozzie Newsome, college football star at the University of Alabama, NFL player and executive (Sheffield)
Scott Oden, writer (Somerville)
Spooner Oldham, songwriter and keyboardist (Centre)
Stan O’Neal, chairman & CEO of Merrill Lynch (Roanoke)
Osceola, Seminole Indian leader (Tallassee)
Randy Owen, country singer (Alabama) (Fort Payne)
Jesse Owens, track and field athlete (Oakville)
Terrell Owens, football player Philly Eagles & Dallas Cowboys(Alexander City)
[edit] P
Rosa Parks, civil rights activist (Tuskegee)
Satchel Paige, baseball player ( Mobile)
Wesley M. “Pat” Pattillo, religious communication leader ( Mobile and Birmingham)
Dan Penn, singer, songwriter & record producer (Vernon)
Walker Percy, author (Birmingham)
Chuck Person, NBA player (Brantley)
Wesley Person, NBA player (Brantley)
Wilson Pickett, R&B and Soul singer (Prattville)
Juan Pierre, baseball player, (Mobile)
Charles Redding Pitt, US & State Attorney, politician (Decatur)
Paula Poundstone, comedian (Huntsville)
Tyrone Prothro, University of Alabama Football Player (The Catch) (Heflin, Alabama)
Curly Putman, Country Songwriter (Princeton)
Howell Raines, former New York Times editor (Birmingham)
Wayne Ray, author/poet (Talladega; Lineville)
Gary Redus, baseball player (Decatur)
Condoleezza Rice, United States Secretary of State (Birmingham)
Michael Rooker, actor (Jasper,Alabama)
Rich Boy, rapper (Mobile)
Lionel Richie, singer (Tuskegee)
Bob Riley, Governor of Alabama (Ashland)
Philip Rivers, college football star at North Carolina State University, NFL star with the San Diego Chargers (Decatur)
Wayne Rogers, actor (Birmingham)
Betty Roze, singer (Mobile)
Frank Rose, educator, former President of the University of Alabama (Tuscaloosa)
Marie Rudisill, aka “The Fruitcake Lady” (Monroeville), Truman Capote’s aunt he grew up with
Carlton Russell, organized crime boss (Pelham)
Nick Saban, head football coach University of Alabama (Tuscaloosa) born Fairmont, West Virginia
Sonia Sanchez, poet (Birmingham)
David Satcher, surgeon general (Anniston)
Zelda Sayre Fitzgerald, writer (Montgomery)
Coretta Scott King, civil rights leader (Marion)
Richard M. Scrushy, founder and former CEO of HealthSouth Corporation (Selma)
Jay Sebring, Charles Manson murder victim (Birmingham)
Jeff Sessions, U.S. Senator (Dothan)
Glenn Shadix, actor (Bessemer)
Tommy Shaw, rock musician (Montgomery)
Richard C. Shelby, U.S. Senator (Birmingham)
Fred Shuttlesworth, civil rights activist (Birmingham)
Don Siegelman, former Governor of Alabama (Mobile)
Percy Sledge, soul singer (Leighton)
Rickey Smiley, comedian (Birmingham)
Ella Gaunt Smith, doll manufacturer (Roanoke)
Leighton Smith, admiral, US Navy (Mobile)
Ozzie Smith, Baseball player (Mobile)
Thomas M. Smith, District Attorney (Tuscaloosa)
Zeke Smith, All American Auburn & pro football player Uniontown
John Sparkman, US Senator (1946-1979) (Hartselle)
Mark Spencer, President/CEO of Digium, creator of Asterisk (PBX) (Huntsville)
Ken Stabler, college football star at the University of Alabama, NFL quarterback with Oakland Raiders (Foley)
John Stallworth, NFL player (Tuscaloosa)
Bart Starr, NFL Hall of Fame quarterback Green Bay Packers (Montgomery)
Charles Steele, CEO and National President, Southern Christian Leadership Conference (SCLC) (Tuscaloosa)
Donald W. Stewart, US Senator (Anniston)
George W. Stewart, founder, American Gospel Quartet Convention (Tuscaloosa)
Mike Stewart (novelist), author (Vredenburgh)
Warren St. John, author, journalist (Birmingham)
T. S. Stribling, Pulitzer Prize-winning author (Florence) born Clifton, Tennessee
Hut Stricklin, race car driver (Calera)
Ruben Studdard, American Idol winner 2003 (Birmingham)
Jimmy Lee Sudduth, artist and blues musician (Fayette)
Pat Sullivan, NFL quarterback, coach (Birmingham)
Sun Ra, musician (Birmingham)
Don Sutton, baseball player (Clio)
Channing Tatum, actor (born in Cullman)
Toni Tennille, one-half of duo Captain & Tennille (Montgomery)
Fred Thompson, former U.S. senator from Tennessee, actor (Sheffield)
Tommy Tuberville, current head football coach at Auburn University, (Auburn) born Camden, Arkansas
Cynthia Tucker, columnist and editor, (Monroeville)
Chief Tuskaloosa, Creek Indian chief and leader
Take 6, Grammy award winners, (Huntsville)
Robert J. Van de Graaff - famous engineer, physicist Tuscaloosa
Virtue, Gospel Singing Group - (Huntsville)
Jimmy Wales, founder of Wikipedia (Huntsville)
Harry “The Hat” Walker, MBA batting coach (Leeds)
Margaret Walker, poet, author (Birmingham)
Ben Wallace, NBA player (White Hall)
Daniel Wallace, writer (Birmingham)
George Wallace, politician (Clio)
Gerald Wallace, NBA athlete (Childersburg)
Eugene Walter, writer-actor (Mobile)
Dinah Washington, singer, “Queen of the Blues” (Tuscaloosa)
Ken Watters, jazz trumpeter (Huntsville)
William Weatherford, (Red Eagle) Creek leader
William Edgar Weldon, real estate executive, politician (Wetumpka)
Leroy Wells American Idol contestant (Grand Bay)
Fred Wesley, jazz and funk musician (Mobile)
Joseph Wheeler, Confederate & US general (Hillsboro) born in Georgia
Heather Whitestone, 1995 Miss America (Dothan)
Brian Whitworth, attorney & petroleum company executive (Birmingham)
Billy Williams, baseball player (Mobile)
Hank Williams, seminal country musician (Georgiana)
Paul Williams, soul singer (Birmingham)
Kathryn Tucker Windham, storyteller & author
E. O. Wilson, biologist and writer (Birmingham)
Tobias Wolff, author (Birmingham)
Tammy Wynette, country singer (Red Bay)
and me.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
And good for you ! Jesus, glendoor where’d you cut and paste that list from ? “Paul Williams, soul singer “… soul singer? Should’ve read “honorary Muppet”.
Originally I was going to write “Arkansas” in tribute to a funny bit Louis Black did about the public school system there. I don’t know…the word Alabama just felt like it had a better rhythim some how. So, OK, the choice wasn’t entirely random.
I’m from Mass. We might not have as long a list of notable citizens here, but then we’re a lot smaller, colder and aren’t the prolific breeders you folks apparently are so, statistically speaking, the odds are against us. (just being a smartass)
Should we get back to the business at hand now…zapping Hannah Montana ?
March 12th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
damn… *rhythm*
that’s it, I’m goin’ to bed.
March 12th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
“prolific breeders you folks apparently ” What? ain’t most of you you people Irish Catholic,
and we’re prolific breeders?
The list came from Wikipedia who’s founder, in case you missed it , is from Alabama.
March 13th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Oh, that’s just in Boston and, with the exception of the Kennedy’s, they’re only allowed to leave the city with special visas. Kind of like an apartheid for white people.
There is a lovely St.Patrick’s Parade in Holyoke every year, but that’s mostly a hollow tradition. Most of the Irish there fled years ago,from the influx of Puerto Ricans(go ahead, I dare you) .
BTW: I’m not a “you people”. I come from a long line of the most pathetically, homogenized W.A.S.P.’s ever.
March 13th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Everyone from the North, no matter race, creed, religion, national origin or sexual orientation is a you people . Otherwise known as Yankees . That was what was meant by the you people statement.
BTW: This is all in jest I hope you know that.
March 14th, 2008 at 3:19 am
I think we’re all starting to lose focus on what’s REALLY important here, you guys. Have you ever noticed that “Cyrus” rhymes with “Virus” and that if you take “Montana” and rearrange the letters* you get “Terminal Cancer”? Just something to think about.
*And make a few other minor alterations.
March 14th, 2008 at 7:34 am
I did notice that her face in that picture seems weird, and flat. It looks poorly drawn, if you ask me, like the artist has no reference for drawing a human face.
March 14th, 2008 at 10:02 am
@ Daniel O’Brien Oh God yes , lets get back to hating on a fifteen year old girl.
Which, now that I think about it, after raising two daughters, hating on a fifteen year old girl is not that hard. Pretty damn easy now that I think about it.
As matter of fact, Hell ,if there is such a place, is probably full of fifteen year old girls.
Boys are easier to raise. You can pretty much give them the same advice from the time they are 12 until they’re 30. Don’t blow anything up and don’t get anything pregnant.
March 14th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
[…] The article, a continuation on the “Miley Cyrus is Lonely and Reptilian” piece from last week’s National Ledger, describes Cyrus’s methods for finding a new boyfriend. Apparently, she […]
March 17th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Hannah Montana faked the lunar landing.