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Every male, at some point in their life, has watched some kung fu badass beat up a room full of bad guys and said, "I want to learn that!" Unfortunately, some of the martial arts you've fantasized about don't even exist in the real world. Why? Because they're too awesome. For instance: Gun Kata (Equilibrium)
This incredibly kick-ass way to kick ass with a dumb-ass name (that's three asses!) first appeared in the movie Equilibrium where Christian Bale uses it to kill pretty much everyone. From there it's shown up in way too many, ridiculously awful fan videos, and a few that are surprisingly cool, inspired some genuine martial artists to do their own choreographed performances of the style, and depending on which rabid fanboys you talk to, may or may not have appeared in director Kurt Wimmer's spiritual sequel/suckfest Ultraviolet.
According to the movie: "Through analysis of thousands of recorded gunfights, the Cleric has determined that the geometric distribution of antagonists in any gun battle is a statistically-predictable element. The Gun Kata treats the gun as a total weapon, each fluid position representing a maximum kill zone, inflicting maximum damage on the maximum number of opponents, while keeping the defender clear of the statistically-traditional trajectories of return fire. By the rote mastery of this art, your firing efficiency will rise by no less than 120 percent." Allow us to translate:
"Treats the gun as a total weapon." You can shoot people with your gun and pistol whip them with it.
See it in action:
But would it actually work?
There are quite a few martial artists out there who've created something like the gun kata, including former ILF fighter M.A. Sotelo's Juu Kun Do. Or check out this actual karate class, where they're learning the technique. It's best not to show up on live ammo day. Moq'bara (Star Trek)
Moq'bara, from Star Trek, is the martial art practiced by Klingons everywhere, because while a peaceful society like the Federation will have hundreds of styles ranging from kung fu to boxing, a warrior culture will clearly only have one. Depending on who's doing the fight choreography that day, it may be a pussyfied version of tai chi, an up close, in-your-face slugfest that favors two-fisted rabbit punches above all else, or could simply be boxing by guys with ridges on their foreheads. Alternatively, it may involve batleths--silly looking "swords" that have actually been examined by Kung Fu Magazine and pronounced a viable weapon.
See it in action:
But would it actually work?
If you really want a chance to use those techniques in the real world, simply approach some drunken redneck and tell him you're not afraid of him, since you know the Klingon martial art of Moq'bara. Blade Song (Dungeons & Dragons)
If you've ever played Dungeons & Dragons (and if you're a Cracked reader, chances are you have a 14th-level Gnomish Wizard rolled up and ready for play) then you probably came to the same conclusion about the problem with elves that we did: not gay enough. Sure they're tall, thin, and gorgeous--their +2 bonus to Dexterity makes them lithe and agile while they're -2 penalty to Constitution makes them delicate. But they just needed that extra little something. Thus, some D&D writer invented Blade Song, a fighting style to really emphasize how effeminate elves actually are. Since the rest of the game design team was unable to come up with anything gayer (we're stumped too), it passed into canon. In various D&D settings, Blade Song is created by elves, "who have blended art, swordplay and arcane magic into a harmonious whole." "In battle, a bladesinger's lithe movements and subtle tactics are beautiful, belying their deadly martial efficiency," or so says Dungeons & Dragons: Complete Warrior. The artist would have us believe a Blade Singer looks something like this:
That's a man, by the way.
See it in action:
We would also like to point out that even in an otherwise kick-ass fight scene, the main purpose of the style seems to be giving each other haircuts.
But would it actually work?
Since gender identity issues can apparently inspire ass-kicking rage, and since most elven warriors make Nong Thoom look like Staff Sgt. Max Fightmaster, you'd be wise to observe a strict "don't fuck with elves" policy at your local dojo. Goutetsu-ryu Ansatsuken (Street Fighter games)
Yes, ansatsuken, which may or may not actually translate to "assassin's fist," is the ultra-violent martial art practiced by Ryu and Ken Masters in the Street Fighter series. Ryu and Ken learned the style from Gouken, who'd sworn to create a less violent version of the martial art created by his master Goutetsu, which in video game parlance means you're simply going to add "for peace" to the end of every cut scene dialog as you continue to remove someone's testicles through their anus. Of course the most useful technique is the hadoken, which allows the fighter to unleash a deadly ball of energy that flies at the opponent at a speed of about 15 miles an hour.
See it in action:
Wait, that doesn't look right ...
But would it actually work?
Gymkata (Gymkata)
In 1985, Olympic gold medalist Kurt Thomas starred in the movie Gymkata. Gymkata, a movie Maxim ranked as the 17th worst movie of all time, was based on the novel The Terrible Game by Dan Tyler Moore, a novel so bad no one has even bothered to make a Wikipedia entry for it. In the film Thomas plays John Cabot, an Olympic gymnast who combines gymnastics and martial arts to ... fuck it, let's just go to the clip.
See it in action:
As we see, the gymkata expert is deadly on a pommel horse, or any kind of object in his environment set up exactly like a pommel horse. The true gymkata expert will travel with an entourage of assistants who will have a pommel horse kit ready at all times, in case of conflict.
But would it actually work?
But what if you're in an enclosed space, and the only way out is being blocked by a pommel horse and a spinning gymkata master? Then you can kiss your ass goodbye, unless you happen to know a little gymkata yourself. And, of course, have your own pommel horse. If you liked that, you'll probably enjoy reading about 5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity. And if you're enough of a geek to read an article comparing Star Trek kung fu with D&D sword play, you should totally check out Mike Swaim pouring out a little Ale for the man who invented Dungeons and Dragons. |
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The funny thing is... I *do* have a 14th level Gnome Wizard rolled up and ready for play... :D
heck, you got blade song or whatever its called all wrong. from what i saw in that video its a form of softcore porn for nerds.
c'mooooooooonnnnnnnn.....what happened to the Sinanju from the Destroyer series. That should have not only been included but also been put as #1
How did the guy from Fist of the North Star not get on his list? He has a martial arts style that makes people's goddamn heads explode
I still think that the Matrix fighting style was a little unrealistic. Have any of you watched the Shock 1 and 2 on stickpage.com? The second one had the people fighting like it was zero gravity, even though they have like some super-awesome powers that allow them to defy gravity, teleport, multiply, rip legs off of people, do supersonic Falcon Punches, and generally kick ass. Just watch it and make fun of it!
Proudfoot117
You forgot Sinnanju from the Destroyer books and the decent Remo Williams the Adventure Begins movie.
Glendoor42 didn't spend 20 years in the Army. Hes an idiot, I know him IRL, and don't believe that s**t. If you don't believe me, just know that you probably won't spend 20 years in the Army and retire, and then spend the rest of your days arguing with people on cracked.com, and spouting words like "Dude." I however, did not spend 20 years in the Army but have done 8 in the Marines thus far, and I'm totally stupid....Its awesome. GO AMERICA!!!!!
That video isn't a very good depiction of what blade song would look like, f*****g noobs.
I have a cousin in the canadian special forces that pioneered the gunkata back in 1982. The fact that he is still alive today inexorably proves that it is a solid form. (cites this comment as proof). Also I have a detachable penis. and, get a goddamn job, Al.
nevermind
it may just be me but the videos arent working.
Dungeons & Dragons and Street Fighter are movies. They aren't GOOD movies, but they are definitely movies. Star Trek: TNG has several movies based on the show as well.
Um, Street Fighter, Dungeons and Dragons, and Star Trek: TNG aren't movies.
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Hang on, what about the Force-training from Star Wars. Fire electricity, lift stuff with your mind, do front-flips through the air, pick your color of lightsaber (blue, green, red or purple) and learn to dismember people with a gigantic laser. That beats all the other ones.