Over 3,000 years ago, the Pilgrims and the Natives got together in Southern Miami to sit down and discuss the future of comedy. "We strongly suggest the liberal use of dick jokes," one of the tribe leaders said (though they call "dick jokes" maize). The strong, sexy Pilgrims passionately agreed with the Indians' pro-dick joke stance, so they murdered every single one of them that didn't look immediately rape-worthy.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of the first Thanksgiving. Enjoy the hilarious comedy that our hardworking forefathers murdered an entire race of people for.
Thanksgiving's Creepy Relatives: 5 Terrifying Harvest Holidays
Just because Thanksgiving is over doesn't mean you can't read about the horrible, mindless slaughters that took place in ancient cultures around this time of year.
Notable Comment: Politicalrancor says "Cracked.com: Your No. #4 source for gratuitous amounts of boner jokes." This is serious now ...Who the fuck are these other three sources? Someone's steppin' on our turf ... Cracked's got some hunting to do.
FEAR YOUR DOCTOR!
The Ten Most Insane Medical Practices in History
As it would turn out, doctors might be total morons after all. We bet you'll think twice the next time someone demands that you place your testicles in their hand. What? You won't? That's weird, we just ... hey, yikes, put your testicles away, we do not want to hold them.
Notable Comment: We write an article about insane medical practices and somehow a fight in the comments section breaks out about Al Gore and global warming. Cracked.com: where opinionated people with short attention spans come to yell at each other.
FEAR YOUR GIRLFRIEND!
Revenge is a Bitch: The 10 Most Bitter Female Rock Songs
Carrie Underwood sings about keying some dude's car and she gets an award. Neil Diamond reveals that "Sweet Caroline" was actually written about a twelve 12-year-old girl and suddenly everyone wants to check his computer for child pornography. Talk about a double standard.
Notable Comment: BlastTyrant419 politely says, "I swear to god, if a bitch EVER touches my truck, she's got a lot more than me cheatin' on her coming. I'll break that bitches legs right before I stab her in the face repeatedly." Believe it or not it gets worse from there. First of all...wow. Second of all, Mr. Tyrant, if you throw some banjo over those words and turn it into a two- step, you've got yourself a Country Music Award on your hands, sir.
STRAIGHT CASH HOMEY!
Are You Funny? Cracked Wants to Give You Cash
Really, even if you're not funny. We've got a fuck ton of cash and literally nothing better to spend it on than highly debatable lists full of dick jokes and Christian Bale references.
Notable Comment: Reacting to our claim that billions of people visit our site each day, Bob says "10 billion? Are you sure billion? I'd have to say that's... Impossible." You know, we've gotten past the point where we feel sorry for people who don't get sarcasm. Now we're just in denial. That's right Bob, we refuse to believe that you are dense enough to have written that comment. We expect to be onto the final stage of acceptance, and masturbating to your comment sometime early next week.
The 7 Least-Faithful Comic Book Movies
Judge Dredd could have been better? Get right the hell outta town!
Notable Comment: Some fans seemed aggravated that Catwoman and X-Men 3 didn't make this list. In fairness to us, we (like every other respectable news source) are legally obligated to mention Judge Dredd at least once a week.
Women in Comedy
It's tough out there being a (hooters) woman in comedy. CRACKED.com understands (boobs) how difficult it is to (motorboat, motorboat, motorboat) really stand out as a strong, female comedic presence in today's male-dominated comedy world. Also, shoe titties, y'all.
The neverland army surrendered peacefully
Before the rapture the party was going great.
Pvt. Gonzalez was about to witness one of the cruellest forms of punishment ever... The Dogfart Firing Squad...
Baxter wished he hadn't waited this long to tell the military he was gay.
Only the nation that brought forth bukkake and hentai would think there's nothing wrong with this.
"Quick, take a picture of me climbing into pikachu's vagina!"
After a couple glasses of wine, King Midas could be a real asshole sometimes.
"A toast to Dr. Mikazashi. Thanks to him, the age of gilded sex robots has finally arrived!"
And that's how the Republican Party was born.
""Well, you obviously put a lot of work into the assignment...but what does this have to do with The Great Gatsby?" "
"What is this?"
"This is cheese."
"And what is this? Rice?"
"No that Ãs cheese, this is all cheese here."
"But this say 'Crackers', this not cheese."
"No Crackers is the brand, that Ãs cheese..."
"Damn, where did I put that red hockeypuck? We will never find it."
There is no use screaming and running in terror over spilt milk.
...And when the tower came to life and spoke, Fu ran screaming, but Hu affectionately patted it on the chin. "
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.