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Thanksgiving's Creepy Relatives: 5 Terrifying Harvest Holidays

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There's no question that Turkey Day is one of the most boring holidays Americans have. Since we stopped hunting the turkeys ourselves and running Native Americans out of their rightful land, Thanksgiving hasn't really been able to compete with the aura of tasty fear around Halloween or the holy greed of Christmas.

Fortunately, Thanksgiving can be just as horrifying as the other holidays, if you know your history. Harvest festivals didn't used to be about stuffing your face and watching football. Here's some tales you can share with the family around the table.

Aztec Empire - Ochpaniztli

The Story:
"You know, Mom, no one could celebrate a successful harvest like the Aztecs. Rumored to have sacrificed 80,000 people during the grand reopening of their sun god's temple, the Aztecs knew how to have fun, but they knew when it was time to get to work.

Take the festival of Ochpaniztli, which ran through most of September. Everyone in the city grabbed a broom and got to work on those tricky corners. When the city was scrubbed clean and the corn harvested, a young woman was chosen, decapitated, and carefully flayed so a high priest could dance around in her skin. You know, kind of like that part in Silence of the Lambs when the guy stood in front of the mirror with a girl-skin suit and his junk tucked between his legs."

"No, really. For the next 20 fucking days, the high priest, wearing his rotting woman jacket to role play the part of a goddess on Earth, spent his time ripping the hearts out of prisoners to make sure the Aztec nation didn't get ripped off on the corn harvest next year. By the way, Ma, these potatoes are goddamn delicious."

Props:
A turkey breast. Strip off the skin casually.

Greece - Thesmophoria

The Story:
"Fuck! Sorry about that, Ma. Cranberry sauce is a bitch to clean out of the carpet. Jesus, Dad, don't go out of your way to help her out or anything. You know, harvest time is always rough on the ladies. American women are trapped in the kitchen making turkey for their jealous mother-in-laws, Aztec girls were beheaded. Greek wives, though, they barely got to leave their house at all.

One of the few reasons they ever got away from the husband and kids was during the harvest festival of Thesmophoria. All married women were required to get the hell out of town, and spend three days camped in the wilderness honoring Demeter, the goddess of agriculture, with secret womanly ceremonies. No men were allowed.

Women didn't write in those days, so not much is known about what went down. Historians speculate that the women spent their time swearing ritualistically to cheer up the depressed goddess. Oh, and they carried around decayed pig parts.

See, the year before, they left slaughtered pigs and penises made of dough in deep trenches to symbolize the fertility of the earth. The women, having stayed away from sex for three days to remain pure, brought the rotten gunk out of the earth and spread it over the fields to make next year's crops grow."

Props:
Pull out a bread roll in the shape of a penis. You might have to order this from a special bakery ahead of time.

Sweden - Blot

The Story:
"Man, this turkey is a little dry. Got any more gravy over there? Thanks, Ma. You're a peach. Now, the Swedes? They took winter seriously. They knew months of killing cold and darkness were on the way. It doesn't surprise me that they sought supernatural help to get through it.

The sacrificial feast Blot was less focused on the harvest, and more on enlisting the support of the Norse gods. By sacrificing animals, eating the meat and sprinkling each other with the steaming blood, the Swedes believed that they were endowing their people with maegen, or the power of the gods.

Of course, it didn't always work. During the reign of King Domaldi, Sweden suffered a disastrous famine. First, they sacrificed oxen. The famine continued. The second year, they tried humans, and the famine got worse. The Swedes decided that the famine was King Domaldi's fault and killed him during the third year. After sprinkling his blood over the statues of the gods, the famine ended.

Pretty much any time nature turned on the Swedes, they killed a king. I admire that. By the way, dad, is it getting cold in here?"

Props:
Scoop some cranberry sauce into your palm. Squeeze it so that it drips down over your plate.

Egypt - The Departure of Min

The Story:
"Our harvest festival is about being thankful for having enough money to buy overpriced turkey. Maybe we thank God, maybe our parents, but like all harvest festivals, we're thanking someone. The Egyptians, they thanked the cock.

You see, a lot of these ceremonies are about fertility, too. Take the Egyptians. They were convinced that the fertility of the land and the fertility of humans were combined. In fact, their fertility god Min represented both. He also was never pictured without a raging hard-on. One of his symbols was a long, straight type of Egyptian lettuce that produced a milk-like substance when rubbed.

Before the harvesting began, the Egyptians sat down to a big, phallic feast and long, stiff poles were raised in the fields for naked men to climb. Meanwhile, the naked farmers, believing that the fields were the homes of angry spirits, wept in simulated grief to ward off supernatural vengeance as they cut the corn free."

Props:
If you can't figure out how to use a turkey neck on your own, we really can't help you.

China - Mid-Autumn Festival

The Story:
"What? Jesus, Ma, of course I brought the pumpkin pie. I only forget shit when I'm rolling, and I don't roll on Thanksgiving.

You know who else has sweets after their harvest feasts? The Chinese. One of their legends says that 10 suns once circled the earth, burning all vegetation and killing hundreds of thousands. The archer Houyi shot down all but one of them, and the people and their harvests were saved. Deciding that he wanted to live forever, Houyi began grinding up a boy a day to make an immortality pill out of their pulverized bones.

On the 100th day, his wife Chang'e decided her husband might have gone completely goddamn sideways. She stole the pill, and is hiding out on the moon to this day.

So, to promote family togetherness under the harvest moon, the Chinese have been passing around "moon cakes" for almost a thousand years. The cakes are usually round or square, and have rabbits, moon women or Chinese ideograms carved into the crust. They symbolize long life, good luck and bloody revolution."

"Whoa, didn't I mention that? In the 14th century, the descendants of Genghis Khan ruled China, and had strict laws governing gathering in groups and communication. Legend says that the rebels spread rumors of a horrible disease that only special moon cakes could cure. Inside the cakes were hidden messages with the words 'Kill the Mongols on the 15th day of the eight month.' The coordinated attack easily wiped out the vicious Mongol oppressors."

Props:
Pumpkin pie. Cut it very, very carefully, shooting furious looks at your father.

"Have a piece of pie, Dad. NO, NOT THAT PIECE."

You may also enjoy Ben Joseph's 10 Most Ridiculous Overseas Rip-Offs of American Films.

You may also enjoy Gavin Fyhrie's 5 Most Kick-Ass Apocalyptic Prophecies.




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75 Comments

Um david, you're kinda right and wrong about the blot thing. It took place a few times of the year (midwinter & yule for example) and some places actually did sprinkle blood on more than just trees. Participants and statues of the gods were most common. While much of it wasn't heavily documented there is enough to actually validate the article here

Posted on 4/5/2008 5:53:53 AM

unknown

Dope article

Posted on 11/25/2007 12:38:20 PM

Raisin Conspiracy

I have seen that Egyptian engraving, or one like it at the Temple in Luxor. The cock was vandalism, apparently greek vandalism because there was greek writing next to it.

Posted on 11/23/2007 9:28:31 AM

unknown

*Applauds Lucy* Thank you. Finally someone who isn't a complete idiot when it comes to Anthropology. The Greeks had something else too, a lighthouse with a beam of light so intense that it could set a ship on fire a fucking mile out at sea. It's true. Tell me that isn't impressive for people that lived in 300 b.c..

Posted on 11/22/2007 11:12:04 AM

your momma

In my house we are simply getting together with the people we love and giving thanks for them and the other blessing we have in our lives. So many people have NO ONE so we should be thankful for our family even if they really make us mad at times and we want to give them a quick jab to the adams apple or maybe a roudhouse kick or two. Maybe slip a little laxative in their hot cocoa hehehe....ummmm anyway I had a point now what was it? Give me a minute......oh yeah quit making such a friggin political debate over an article you read on CRACKED! It's for comedic purposes only sheesh. Now get off the damn computer and take the trash out like I told you an hour ago.

Posted on 11/21/2007 9:56:24 PM

traveler

please mail a fre cracked fanclub kit to 405 s walnut st mora mn 55051-1905 thanks

Posted on 11/21/2007 8:15:44 AM

Lucy

I was just listing the first things from the top of my head. It is possible be seen if you've just barely broken the atmosphere, and you're squinting hard enough (many man made things today can, but not many of the ancient-age wonders of the world). Either way, I mentioned two other achievements I hope still support my point. That's all I was trying to make.

Posted on 11/20/2007 11:09:50 PM

cheesemonster

I'm a troll. My soul purpose in life is to cause conflict with every post I ever make.

Posted on 11/20/2007 9:50:54 PM

Jhonathan

Okay, I love stuffing myself full of artery clogging food as much as the next guy, but isn't Thanksgiving pretty hipocritical? "Okay, yeah sure thanks for helping us live and survive, and for teaching us all those neat tricks, now have some shitty pie, and now we will be raping and killing your people and destroying your culture as we force you to turn to our cultures"

Posted on 11/20/2007 7:49:47 PM

zzz

I'd heard that the Great Wall was in fact NOT visible from space, and come to think of it, I've never seen a photo of it taken from space. It would be cool if it could be seen, though.

Posted on 11/20/2007 7:32:13 PM

Lucy, actually the idea that the Great Wall of China is visible from space is Chinese propaganda. It has far too many earth tones and it blends in with its surroundings. Its definitely not visible from space. But I'll never change that misconception.

Posted on 11/20/2007 1:02:56 PM

Dean

Ah yeah, I always take the word of someone who cannot even spell "environment" about what causes pollution seriously. And david, I am glad my instincts were right when I told myself this article had that patented "making shit up" feel to it.

Posted on 11/20/2007 1:01:38 PM

John

"The Native Americans were noble!"
"No, the Native Americans were savages!"

What's funny is reducing a variety of different peoples down to two words and simple, stereotyped concepts.

Saying the "Native Americans" were either noble or savage is like saying the same of "Europeans" or even humans in general. Many were savage, many were not.

Posted on 11/20/2007 12:24:07 PM

Nick

To Ugluk: If you actually checked your shit out, you'd know you have to be 1/2 native american to get the benefits from the government.

Posted on 11/20/2007 5:49:52 AM

[Skims top few comments]

Are you guys fucking turning this place into YouTube?

Posted on 11/20/2007 1:35:21 AM

david

Btw, the one about Sweden. Entertaining but not any where close to the truth =) Blot was a scrifical rite around 1000ad and involved spraying dead animal blood on trees and not much else (there are not many historical records) the king I've never heard of (as a swedish history student) and whatever maegen is it's not a Swedish word. Still, entertaining ;)

Posted on 11/20/2007 1:26:55 AM

loxum

Ugluk, you are partly right.. except for the polution thing- a people with no industry, using only carved wood as "fuel" (camp fires etc.) and primitiv tools, have NO POLlUTION what so ever! Polluting takes at least leading out stuff (chemicals for ex.) that somehow disturbs the invironment. For instans, burning a lot of wood is not altering the atmosferes co2 level- it leads out some other stuff, harming our lungs, but at the same time, it gives nutrition etc. Burning fossilized fuels, on the other hand, alters the co2 level etc. And even if you use fóssilized fuels, then the negative effects are still disputed. But mainly agree with you. And for all you humanist skunks, suck on this: The indians fuckin' violated most human rights!!! Yeah, you heard/read me! They are like Saudi Arabia, bush and many many others!! FUCK THE ANCIENT INDIANS!! THEY VIOLATED HUMAAAAN RIIIGHTS!

Ps. im a dane, therefor i might have done some mis-spells.. I am poorly educated..

Posted on 11/20/2007 12:10:47 AM

Lucy

Each of these cultures were highly advanced, and paved the way to where we are today.

The Egyptians were experts in geometry and algebra, creating the corner stones of our mathematics today. The Mayans (...in the general region of the Aztecs) conquered astronomy, creating accurate calendars to track millenniums into the future. The Greeks broke down architecture (the dome? the arch?) and human anatomy. The Chinese persevered with alchemy (chemistry); they invented gun powder. They harvested silk. They built one of the few monuments on earth to be seen from space. The Swedes had a vast naval trade system, throughout Russia and as far down as the Middle East in their Iron Age.

This is just a general synopsis of only a few great achievements the ancient world had. In short: the world wasn't filled with cave men grunting about and jabbing each other with spears until the year 1980, when the internet was invented and society was formed.

Posted on 11/19/2007 11:19:29 PM

Ivory

Lucy, do you really mean to say that they weren't? It's not so much a stereotype as, well, history.

Posted on 11/19/2007 10:32:47 PM

Noble Savage is really a concept of European origin; it seems like a minority of the surviving native American population (and Hollywood) adopted it as a marketing tool (to attract tourism/gambling business).

Posted on 11/19/2007 8:52:51 PM

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