You probably know how to function in society. You know how to talk to new people, how to order food in restaurants, and you know exactly what time you're supposed to show up at parties. I'm here to let you know that there's an entirely separate class of people that doesn't know all of those things.
Given the opportunity, there are probably a lot of tiny, superficial things you say to your fourteen-year-old self, (Get a haircut; Stop being a smartass; Maybe try not masturbating for, like, a night, and see what that does to the amount of free time you have).
Note: I'm going to talk about how much I hate ants for about 2,000 words. I hope you're okay with that. Read more: http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-reasons-we-should-be-way-more-scared-ants/#ixzz1GwraLVIc
The voices, the suggestions, the ideas- they were all blending together in one giant pile of razor-focused, totally sober comedy brilliance. I'd completely lost track of who was saying what or if I was just pulling some of the suggestions from my own nightmares.
in honor of President's Day, I am thrilled to provide you with a closer look at one of the great men who served our country as King: Abraham Lincoln. Loved by many, hated by some, shot by one and feared by anyone under 6'4", Abraham Lincoln covered a divided America with a warm, bushy neck beard of protection.
In December of 2010, the Editors of Cracked.com decided to lock three of their regular writers in a conference room for 30 days. The writers--Michael Swaim, Cody Johnston and Daniel O'Brien--were tasked with creating as many comedically-themed sketch videos as they could. The conference room descended into madness well before day 6.
I am still determined to get several books published, so that I may enrich the world with my knowledge, and impress chicks who sell books enough to inspire them to have sex with me.
As you requested, I purchased enough alcohol to murder a generation of grizzly bears, and these people finished every last drop of it. If you still want to keep the cast consistently inebriated for the rest of the season, I will need either an increased budget or to wake up from this nightmare.
I don't mean to alarm anyone, but one hundred and a million percent. If you have a pet bird or know any birds or are Larry Bird, I'm so, so sorry, but please get away from me, because you're just not safe.
Freak nose. You have a freak nose. It's not a normal nose, it's a freak nose. I'm Daniel. Your nose is wrong. Your whole face. You were poorly designed.
Why is anyone naked, you know? Aren't we all, on some level, always naked, and also never naked? But on a more hometown level, I'm naked because I used my clothes to put out a fire someone started in your linen closet.
I can't tell if I'm watching a trailer or a combination of clips from every other superhero movie ever shot. Either this is the work of a very clever editor, or there isn't a single original moment in the entire trailer.
