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Ian Fortey

I'm Ian Fortey and I am funny. I have a column here and I write other stuff for fun and profit. One time I wrote a book but no one bought it.


Maybe you'd like to see my rarely updated braindroppings:

twitter.com/IanFortey


About me: I can eat 6 pieces of toast in a row. In a row. I will probably talk to you if you talk to me. You should say something whimsical, though. Or vastly inappropriate.

5 Great Ideas That the Internet Has Ruined

I'm going to tell you, unequivocally, what the five worst things on the Internet are. Because I looked them all in the eye and saw a wretched hole filled with human suffering where their soul should have been.

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5 Childhood Heroes from the 80s That Let Me Down

I figured I owed it to myself and all the disenfranchised youths of the world who grew up to learn that they could never become a member of GI Joe no matter how hard they tried to teach those bastards a lesson.

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3 Psychic Hotlines Put to the 'Ghostbusters' Test

Like you, I want to have advanced knowledge of future events that I can exploit to enrich myself financially, sexually or nutritionally (If I can get a heads up on where to find a McRib, I am on that mother).

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10 Pop Culture Staples of my Childhood: A Shameful Look Back

I don\'t think this means anything; \'Love is like a bomb, baby, c\'mon get it on / Livin\' like a lover with a radar phone / Lookin\' like a tramp, like a video vamp / Demolition woman, can I be your man?\' A radar phone? Is that what they use to make calls in the future as depicted in the 1950s?

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Hobophobia: The 5 Vagrants Who Ruined My Psyche

The man stood before me in the alley and asked if I had any money to spare. I was about to rain down blows with my platinum umbrella and summon the bobbies when he launched into the most elaborate, ripping yarn any squatter has dared devise to separate a gullible fool from his sixpence. It was frickin\' awesome.

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8 Horrifying Uses of Branding (Feat. Hello Kitty Pads)

While I understand licensing your trademark for general use to be plastered over any and all products is a good way to make money and makes fans of your trademark happy, I like to think there should be some kind of non-godawful way to go about that.

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