Ian Fortey

The 5 Most Ridiculously Unnecessary Modern Inventions

People invent awful stuff all the time, and while there were a lot of really kitschy patents around the turn of the last century, you'd think that the dumb idea bank would be getting full up in modern times.

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By Ian Fortey

Published

September 23, 2012

4 Disturbing Sleep Conditions No One Talks About

Regardless of social class, everyone wakes up like a curbside hobo.

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By Ian Fortey

Published

September 20, 2012

The 5 Most Ridiculous Attempts to Be a Vampire in Real Life

Vampires are so appealing that some very special few people among us, out in the world right now, think they are actually vampires. So here's why that's lame.

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By Ian Fortey

Published

September 16, 2012

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5 Terrifying Implications of Surviving a Horror Movie

Given what they just endured, the aftermath can be worse than the crap they just survived.

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By Ian Fortey

Published

September 14, 2012

5 Life Lessons Learned from Old School Cartoons

Entertainment can have value for any number of reasons, but if it can help you learn something while keeping you entertained, well that's even more awesome.

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By Ian Fortey

Published

September 11, 2012

4 Ways Honey Boo Boo Redeemed Reality TV

You may be under the impression, as so many are, that Honey Boo Boo, a show about a coupon-hoarding, belching mom, a nearly silent, tobacco chewing father, a pregnant teen and a hyperactive, chubby pageant princess (plus a pig) is the trashiest thing ever. But you are wrong!

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By Ian Fortey

Published

September 08, 2012

5 Ways the Modern World Is Killing Nostalgia

Remember when you were a kid and you did, you know, stuff? Hold on to that. Hold on to the act of remembering, because we're killing it.

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By Ian Fortey

Published

September 01, 2012

4 Horror Movie Villains That Aren't Scaring Us Anymore

I write screenplays that feature none of this crap, so it can be done! Please buy my screenplay. Or just don't make these movies. Whatevs.

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By Ian Fortey

Published

August 27, 2012

The 4 Creepiest Ways We'll Inevitably Use Robot Servants

What kind of lives are there for our robots? Abject servitude and eventual genocide? Oh no. Humanity isn't going to let that happen. We have other ideas and, inevitably, human nature will take these robot slaves down some darker paths.

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By Ian Fortey

Published

August 21, 2012

The 5 Most Bafflingly Racist Shows on TV Right Now

It's hard to believe in this day, but you can actually find shows creeping around that seem to not just exist in a vacuum, but revel in just how intolerant or ignorant of race they are.

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By Ian Fortey

Published

August 18, 2012

The 5 Most Useless Motivational Tactics Every Workplace Uses

When a company gets to a certain size, its employee base becomes ungainly, so management has to think up humiliating ways to keep things in order.

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By Ian Fortey

Published

August 14, 2012

15 Real Sex Toys That Will Give You Nightmares

n ramshackle garages and run-down sweatshops and Cracked columnist basements, disturbing sex toys were being made. And here they are.

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By Ian Fortey

Published

August 10, 2012

6 Pop Culture Icons Nobody Admits They Were Attracted To

My sexual awakening was a slow, shameful thing spurred forth by a handful of pop culture icons that, for one reason or another, stirred something vaguely confusing deep inside me and will now be used to stir something vaguely offputting in all of you.

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By Ian Fortey

Published

July 31, 2012

I Created Kristen Stewart: An Apology

The year was 2002. A young Gary Busey was wowing us all in Slap Shot 2: Breaking the Ice, and some upstart Canadians called Nickelback were teaching us all how to rock again. And how to love. And your humble narrator? I was up to my nuts in Hollywood intrigue.

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By Ian Fortey

Published

July 28, 2012

5 Terrible Jobs Anyone Can (And No One Should) Do

Some jobs out there seem to be suitable for everyone, yet once you actually start doing them, you realize they're at a level of soul-shattering awfulness heretofore unexperienced by many.

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By Ian Fortey

Published

July 24, 2012

6 Websites That Misunderstand Their Audience (Hilariously)

The most baffling websites to look at and realize: There's a person behind this.

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By Ian Fortey

Published

July 19, 2012

The 3 Dark Secrets It Turns Out Everyone's Hiding

This is the stuff you never tell anyone. But you think it. I know you do.

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By Ian Fortey

Published

July 17, 2012

4 Ridiculous Things No One Tells You About Being an Adult

If you've ever felt like your parents were stuck in the past, this is why.

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By Ian Fortey

Published

July 11, 2012

The 4 Stupidest Things People Love Getting Offended About

Being offended is a bit of a national pastime. But some people seem to want to put a lot of effort into getting thoroughly pissed over the smallest, most insignificant things that really have no effect on them at all.

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By Ian Fortey

Published

July 06, 2012

5 Ridiculous Things That Show Up in the Art of Every Comic

I collected comics for a long time until I went terribly broke one day and never returned. I remember it fondly and am reminded of some of my favorite cliches.

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By Ian Fortey

Published

June 28, 2012