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Ian Fortey

I'm Ian Fortey and I am funny. I have a column here and I write other stuff for fun and profit. One time I wrote a book but no one bought it.

Maybe you'd like to see my rarely updated braindroppings:

twitter.com/IanFortey

About me: I can eat 6 pieces of toast in a row. In a row. I will probably talk to you if you talk to me. You should say something whimsical, though. Or vastly inappropriate.

12 2016 Headlines That Would Have Sounded Insane 5 Years Ago

Check out these ridiculous, real headlines from the past year, and imagine telling them to yourself at the beginning of 2016.

Authors: By Ian Fortey
Published: December 29, 2016

5 Bleak Examples Of 'Social Issue' Porn (Which Is A Thing?)

Imagine any social issue that gets your blood boiling, and then imagine poorly scripted sexy talk and money shots added in.

Authors: By Ian Fortey
Published: December 18, 2016

NASA Has A Poop Problem (And We Know How To Fix It)

Space. The final frontier ... for your poop.

Authors: By Ian Fortey
Published: December 10, 2016

5 Small Problems Way More Frustrating Than They Should Be

Fair warning, you're likely to get triggered.

Authors: By Ian Fortey
Published: December 10, 2016

5 Mystery 'Box Of The Month' Subscriptions, Reviewed

Because I still like getting mail, I figured I'd try my hand at a few different subscriptions to see if they were worth my while.

Authors: By Ian Fortey
Published: November 06, 2016

10 Offensive Starbucks Cups (If They Had Balls)

Here are some cups people can actually lose their minds over. You're welcome, Starbucks.

Authors: By Ian Fortey, Katie Goldin
Published: November 04, 2016

A Plea To McDonald's: It’s Time To Kill Ronald McDonald

Listen, McDonald's: No one has liked or even been somewhat amused by clowns in at least 40 years.

Authors: By Ian Fortey
Published: October 22, 2016

Why It's Now Impossible To Satirize Donald Trump

Trump has sunk to the stinking depths of being unparodiable.

Authors: By Ian Fortey
Published: October 13, 2016

5 Types Of Awkward People It's Seemingly Impossible To Avoid

These people are the worst sorts in the world.

Authors: By Ian Fortey
Published: September 30, 2016

7 Killer Craft Projects For When You're Drinking Craft Beer

I opted to buy some local craft beers on my last trip to the Mart, during which I also bought tube socks and batteries. Why? You know why.

Authors: By Ian Fortey
Published: September 16, 2016

11 Sources Of Seriously Easy Cash (Right In Your Body)

Strapped for cash? Turn to your body's massive stockpile of natural resources.

Authors: By Ian Fortey
Published: September 02, 2016

4 Frequently Quoted Facts That Are Lies Made Up By Movies

Alas, not all movies are honest -- some are willing to fill your head with utter garbage for the sake of filling in a few moments of dialogue.

Authors: By Ian Fortey
Published: August 19, 2016

4 Awful Kinds Of People There Are Way Too Many Of

I won't tell you to avoid these people, because you can't. I will say prepare. Prepare for them, for they are legion.

Authors: By Ian Fortey
Published: August 04, 2016

4 Things People Always Overlook When Moving

That we've not made this process tolerable in any way is a testament to just how abhorrent moving really is.

Authors: By Ian Fortey
Published: July 22, 2016

5 Actors Who Attempted Music (And Failed Miserably)

It's not that actors can't sing or vice versa; it's just that most can't and shouldn't.

Authors: By Ian Fortey, Luis Orozco
Published: June 28, 2016

4 'Common Sense' Cures That Are Total Snake Oil

All these common-sense cures for common illnesses are ineffective lies.

Authors: By Ian Fortey
Published: June 20, 2016

4 Awkward Life Situations You Can Never Be Prepared For

Showering at someone else's house is never as easy as it seems.

Authors: By Ian Fortey
Published: June 08, 2016

4 Things No One Tells You About Being Fired

When you lose a job for reasons that have nothing to do with your performance, then here are a few things to know, I guess.

Authors: By Ian Fortey
Published: May 16, 2016

5 Things That Have Almost Destroyed Halloween

Halloween isn't always the beacon of snack-sized Snickers and girls dressed as Kojak with cleavage that it should be. For years, nefarious little shits have been trying to have their way with it and make it awful, because some people just want to watch the world burn.

Authors: By Ian Fortey
Published: October 21, 2012

The 5 Weirdest Patron Saints of the Internet

When you are online all the time you'll run into certain people and things that seem to be beloved by all and you may not understand why, but they'll have just short of no real world influence at all offline.

Authors: By Ian Fortey
Published: October 07, 2012

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