Why The Zombies Have It Worse in a Zombie Apocalypse

Keeping spirits up is pretty much a 24/7 job. I want to just grab some of these guys and shake them, but I think that puts them at risk of falling apart.
Why The Zombies Have It Worse in a Zombie Apocalypse
In the not too distant future, the inevitable has come to pass.  The Zombie Apocalypse brought mankind to its knees and, since it was already down there, made mankind into a good little bitch. But even amidst the chaos of the new undead world order, the thrill of  correspondence lives on...


From:  Ian Fortey Date: Monday 12 May 2025 06:13 To: SgtBub69@gmail.com Subject: PenPals Hi there, How are you?  I can’t believe I actually found someone to write to.  What are things like where you are?  What do you do to pass the time? Have you had to decapitate any loved ones yet, how crazy is that?  Man, so many questions.  Write back soon! Your new friend, Ian ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ From: Bub Date: Tuesday 13 May 2025 03:38 To: Ian Fortey Subject: Re: Penpals Ian, We don’t really have much fun around here anymore.  It used to be a lot of eating and shambling and eating but now it’s gone to shit.  Everyone around here is a huge doucher.


When there is no more room in Abercrombie & Fitch, the douches will walk the Earth.

Have you ever been roaming down the street with a couple of buddies and you see a survivor running for their life, so you start after them only you can’t run because you’re afraid your legs will snap right in half because maybe your femur’s not where it’s supposed to be. Of course, when you finally get to them, the only part left to eat is the ass, and they soiled themselves, but you’re so hungry you eat it anyway.  Fuck, I hate that taste.  It’s in my mouth all the time now, too. What about you? Sincerely, Bub ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Ian Fortey Date: Tuesday 13 May 2025 06:01 To: Bub Subject: Re: Re: Penpals Dear Bub, So you’re a… zombie?  Is that the right term?  I’ve never spoken to one before and I don’t want to sound like an idiot.  I slept with a Korean girl in college and she got pissed when I called her Chinese once but this is kinda different.


The things that girl could do to zombie torso...

I’m sorry to hear that everyone where you are is less than pleasant.  It’s kind of the same here, too.  The Intimidating Black Guy, the Hot Chick, the Everyman and the Asshole seem to take the spotlight most times, but the Bumpkin, the Stupid Girl, the Old Man and Quiet Dude Who Keeps One Sleeve Rolled Down and Sweats a Lot pipe up every so often.  I’m not really sure where I fit in. Your friend, Ian ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ From: Bub Date: Tuesday 13 May 2025 12:22 To: Ian Fortey Subject: Bullshit Ian, Yeah, zombie works for me.  I gotta say, I’m a little jealous of you, man.  I miss buoyancy.  The other day I was shambling over this burning bridge, and fell right into the river.  Sank like a goddamn stone.  Then a trout ate my left eye. I got so pissed after that I’ve just been sitting in a Starbucks for what I figure is at least six days, pounding away on this laptop that had some dude’s head on it.  Trying to write a screenplay, actually.


The thing that sucks though is it’s always cold, which is so weird because literally everything around here is on fire.  This guy next to me is on fire.  Plus he keeps staring at me, which I hate.  Oh, look at me, I have two eyes and both of them are on fire. It’s just tough some days, ya know? Sincerely, Bub ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ From: Ian Fortey Date: Wednesday 14 May 2025 06:31 To: Bub Subject: Re: Bullshit Dear Bub, Man, that sucks.  This sweaty guy stares at me a lot too and it freaks me out.


Yeah, I'm lookin' at you.  Sparkle, sparkle. About a month ago we had to fight a biker gang for a case of peaches and I ended up murdering six complete strangers with a can of fruit while they tried to defile our women, so I totally relate to your problem. Is there anyone else you can talk to about your concerns?  I try to talk to Stupid Girl, but she’s kind of stupid. Anyway, looks like Intimidating Black Guy is trying to rig some kind of explosive device, so I’ll write back later if I get a chance. Your friend, Ian ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ From: Bub Date: Wednesday 14 May 2025 14:47 To: Ian Fortey Subject: Cock Bags Ian, I dunno, man.  I don’t think any of these guys care.  I’m the go-getter around here.  I discovered moaning was a good way to scare the shit out of survivors, I discovered ducking.  Before me, everyone was getting shot in the head.  Nowadays, one in five duck in time. It’s done a fuckton to boost morale.

happy zombie

Keep on truckin!  Or I'll eat your brains!

Let me tell you, keeping spirits up is pretty much a 24/7 job.  The day my dick rotted off, I just stayed in the backroom of a gas station. Some of you guys came in to look for supplies, but I didn’t give a shit.  They could eat their own brains for all I cared. I want to just grab some of these guys and shake them, but I think that puts them at risk of falling apart.  I saw a dude fall down a flight of stairs a while back and his legs came right off.  Just off.  We were all really surprised.  He sat there stunned for a minute and then looked at me, but really, all I could do is shrug.  I mean honestly, it’s off legs.  I can’t fix that.  Later we brought him a skateboard to sit on but he still seemed awfully pissed.  What are you supposed to do in a situation like that? Sincerely, Bub ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ From: Ian Fortey Date: Friday 16 May 2025 05:58 To: Bub Subject: Re: Cock Bags Dear Bub, I totally know what you mean.  And ducking was your idea?  Oh man, Asshole and Intimidating Black Guy were so pissed when you guys started ducking, that’s hilarious.



So the guy who stares at me tried to eat me.  Turned right into a zombie in the middle of dinner.  And of course he goes for me.  I used my last bullet and shot him but it hits his shoulder so Asshole had to save me.  That guy’s such an asshole. We’re almost out of food again, so now no one knows what to do.  Personally, I think it’s time to put the moves on Stupid Girl.  If we’re dying soon anyway, I’d like to get laid. Do you have any special ladies where you are?  Can zombies have sex? Your friend, Ian ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ From: Bub Date: Friday 16 May 2025 10:46 To: Ian Fortey Subject: Re: Re: Cock Bags Ian, I used to spend a lot of time with this cheerleader chick.  I guess she was a cheerleader, she could have been one of those wives trying to spice up her love life with a little roleplay, I never really asked, partially because I only have half a tongue, but partially because I don’t like to pry.  And mostly because she had no lower jaw.  I kind of ate it off when I attacked her the first time we met.  But you know, later, when she came back, she was totally cool about it and I like that. For a while there we roamed in the same pack.  Obviously we never spoke, but when we were hanging out in the mall parking lot for a couple of months, she would always “accidentally” stumble into me and brush her knuckle bone over where my penis used to be.


Picture this, only at least three times as depressing.

I kept trying to think of a way to take it to the next level, not just in terms of how to approach her on the subject, but also because I have a gaping crotch chasm in place of genitals.  Sex isn’t everything, of course, but I feel like sexual compatibility really is an important facet of any relationship.  I got the brilliant idea to pop out my femur and try to impress her with that.  I was going to say, “Hey baby, how you like this bone?” in kind of a cute, funny way, but when I practiced in the mirror it mostly sounded like my face was shitting.  She probably would have got the idea, though.  Except someone blew her goddamn head off.


This  is incredibly difficult when one of you is headless.

So here I am, muscling my way through the crowd with my femur hanging out of my pants, and just when I spot her, boom.  She’s done.  Later I got stabbed with a rake.  Right in the face.  For fuck’s sake.  If it isn’t one fucking thing it’s another, I swear. Yours, Bub --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Ian Fortey Date: Saturday 17 May 2025 06: 10 To: Bub Subject: Re: Re: Re: Cock Bags Oh shit, man, I am sorry to hear that.  Please don’t tell me it was Westland Heights Mall because I was there for a while and I gotta admit, we kind of shot a few cheerleaders from the roof.  And like six clowns. Your friend, Ian ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Bub Date: Saturday 17 May 2025 11:50 To: Ian Fortey Subject: No Worries Hey, No, not that mall, it’s cool.   But these mall debacles are exactly why I’m starting to doubt our overall strategy.  What were there, like six people in that mall?  And maybe 600 of us outside? Even if we’d succeeded, I can eat a whole ass to myself just for lunch so I can’t imagine how sharing would have worked out. These guys never listen to reason, so forget rationing, or drawing straws.  If all you’re going to do is bite them once and leave, why even bother jumping into the fray?  Now I have to taste your shitty mouth germs on my food?  I’ve seen dudes with black stuff just pouring out of their mouths for no reason, what the hell is that?


Jesus, that's revolting! Wait... is that Vegemite?  Jesus, that's revolting!

No one finishes their goddamn meals anyway, they always want to run on to the next one.  It’s like kids at a toy store, grabbing and dropping each new thing they find.  If kids pooped black stuff through their mouths all over the toys. Fuckers. Sincerely, Bub ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ From: Ian Fortey Date: Sunday 18 May 2025 05:49 To: Bub Subject: Re: No Worries Hi, Yeah, what’s with that?  One bite and they just leave most times.  Unless they’re ripping into guts, then the intestines get pulled out, the legs come off and there’s a crazy mess.  I’ve had to clean up six people that’s happened to, it sucks.


That's a big coil of Carl on the left.  That's a good price, he was a lawyer.

So it’s no dice with me and Stupid Girl, she got eaten late last night.  I thought for a second I saw some nipple when she was being torn apart but it happened super fast.  Sometimes I wonder how long this can keep going. Ian ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ From: Bub Date: Sunday 18 May 2025 16:31 To: Ian Fortey Subject: Re: Re: No Worries Ian, Look at it from my side, man, what’s the point?  I mean, there’s a shitload of us wandering around these days, and I have no idea why.  I guess there’s still a crowd at the mall, and lots of guys just like to stand quietly in closets and shit hoping someone will wander in.  This guy Warren has literally been standing in the broom closet at an Olive Garden for six months.  Every so often I’ll come by and surprise him and he’ll lunge out and see it’s me and he gets this total “you’re an asshole” look on his face before going back in the closet.  But seriously though, no one’s ever going to go to Olive Garden.  I mean, come on.


In the future, this place is still shit.

Near as I can figure, one of these days, it’s going to be all of us and none of you, and then what?  I don’t want to sound racist or anything, but most of us are super retarded.  We’re never going to accomplish anything worthwhile when like a quarter of us only have brainstems keeping us going and the rest is being held in place by a hoodie and scabs.  How is that going to lead to any kind of noteworthy societal progress? Fuck it, man.  I refuse to hunt the living any more.  I thought this flaming guy was joining the protest with me, but I think he just has no viable muscle tissue in his legs.  Like he’s really on fire.  Really badly on fire.  And you know what?  Screw him.  Johnny Stares-a-lot with his two flaming eyes, he can help himself out of this jam, I’m not coming up with any more cool ideas until I get some assurance it’s worth my effort to spread the word. Bub -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Ian Fortey Date: Wednesday 21 May 2025 13:13 To: Bub Subject: Fuck Hey, So probably I can’t write any more, but I’ll try.  I got bit last Monday when me and Asshole were pissing out a second story window onto some zombies.  One of you crafty little fuckers climbed a drain pipe and got me right on the dick.  Well, one of us crafty little fuckers, I guess, I’m totally a zombie now.  The good news is that’s like the best place to get bit, since nobody noticed. I ate Asshole yesterday and you know, his asshole did taste absolutely disgusting.  I’m not looking forward to going out into the world.  Plus, looks like Intimidating Black Guy made contact with some soldiers from the Army Base and they’re going to carpet bomb the whole city in a day.


The face of zombie consternation.

You may want to try that ducking thing again. Yours, Ian --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Bub Date: Wednesday 21 May 2025 17:25 To: Ian Fortey Subject: Re: Fuck Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.


Scroll down for the next article
Forgot Password?