It's been more than 50 years since the last time a president died while the Secret Service was babysitting him, though clearly they've dumb-lucked their way into that winning record.
Trying to keep up with the news is like trying to dry out a flooded basement with a sponge.
Hey, have you heard about Donald Trump's run for president? No, not his current campaign -- his 2000 run when he tried to win the Reform Party nomination but lost to Pat Buchanan.
Don't worry, Ariana Grande, in our hearts you'll always be a doughnut licker instead of doing whatever that thing it is that you do.
Red Starbucks cups are so last month. Here some new things for your family to yell about over Christmas dinner.
Russian propaganda slips into our reading every day. Straight from the Kremlin, right into your Facebook feed.
What we think we know about these people is either grossly simplified or outright B.S.
Watching the news, it's clear that the real world is a lot like the 'Star Wars' universe, in the sense that there are lots of people getting limbs hacked off by religious extremists.
As far as most news outlets are concerned, anyone below the poverty line is fair game as a source of national amusement and mockery.
Watching the news can leave you with the impression that the world is secretly run by YouTube commenters.
While everyone is saying equally dumb stuff as Ben Carson, he's the only one suffering in the polls for it.
Going to an animated movie for kids by yourself as an adult male is one step away from going to Chuck E. Cheese's alone.