Cracked Archive - News

It's been more than 50 years since the last time a president died while the Secret Service was babysitting him, though clearly they've dumb-lucked their way into that winning record.

• By Jason Iannone
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• January 08, 2016

Trying to keep up with the news is like trying to dry out a flooded basement with a sponge.

• By Ted E., T. S. Obiech
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• January 05, 2016

Hey, have you heard about Donald Trump's run for president? No, not his current campaign -- his 2000 run when he tried to win the Reform Party nomination but lost to Pat Buchanan.

• By Mark Hill
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• January 03, 2016

The bloodbaths in the Kakuma refugee camp tended to start with hunger and desperation.

• By J.F. Sargent, Abdullahi Abdi
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• December 23, 2015

Don't worry, Ariana Grande, in our hearts you'll always be a doughnut licker instead of doing whatever that thing it is that you do.

• By Diana Cook
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• December 22, 2015

Family Dollar is clearly not ashamed to love Christmas in a Christmas-hating world, and that's an admirable trait for any soldier to have.

• By Daniel Dockery
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• December 19, 2015

Red Starbucks cups are so last month. Here some new things for your family to yell about over Christmas dinner.

• By Kathy Benjamin
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• December 18, 2015

Russian propaganda slips into our reading every day. Straight from the Kremlin, right into your Facebook feed.

• By Robert Evans, Jim Kovpak
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• December 16, 2015

What we think we know about these people is either grossly simplified or outright B.S.

• By Robert Evans
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• December 15, 2015

Watching the news, it's clear that the real world is a lot like the 'Star Wars' universe, in the sense that there are lots of people getting limbs hacked off by religious extremists.

• By Ted E., T. S. Obiech
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• December 15, 2015

ISIS is craving war in Syria and, unfortunately, there are more than a few warhawks running for president who'd like to give it to them.

• By Adam Tod Brown
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• December 10, 2015

As far as most news outlets are concerned, anyone below the poverty line is fair game as a source of national amusement and mockery.

• By Amanda Mannen
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• December 09, 2015

Watching the news can leave you with the impression that the world is secretly run by YouTube commenters.

• By Ted E., T. S. Obiech
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• December 08, 2015

While everyone is saying equally dumb stuff as Ben Carson, he's the only one suffering in the polls for it.

• By CRACKED Staff
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• December 06, 2015

Going to an animated movie for kids by yourself as an adult male is one step away from going to Chuck E. Cheese's alone.

• By Adam Tod Brown
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• December 04, 2015