Jeffrey Epstein Had An 'Egg-Shaped Penis'

Not realizing that this weekend was going to be a terrible time to release anything, considering the last several weekends have been overall great for that sort of thing, Netflix released a documentary about Jeffrey Epstein called Filthy Rich. It's mostly horrifying and hard to watch, but to give you a break from the harrowing tales of Epstein's victims, the four episodes are spliced with comparatively uneventful footage of Epstein's many depositions. Spoiler: He pleads the fifth. A lot. You probably couldn't get a straight answer to the question "Soup or salad?" out of the guy.

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But there's a moment of possibly out-of-place comedic relief at the beginning of the third episode in which the lawyer questioning him, clearly having had enough of his shit, asks him to confirm that he has an "egg-shaped penis." His lawyer objects that the question is only designed to "embarrass Mr. Epstein," who does look very much embarrassed, and they argue for a minute about the relevance of his victim's description of his penis -- which, to be clear, was egg-like in shape. Specifically, it was "oval-shaped, and ... when erect, it was thick towards the bottom and thin and small towards the head portion." You know, like an egg. Eventually, Epstein just rips off his microphone and leaves, but not before much discussion of his egg-shaped penis.

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Of course, the revelation that Jeffrey Epstein's penis was egg-shaped is far from the most shocking or important in the series. It's certainly nothing compared to the suffering that penis, which was egg-shaped, inflicted upon Epstein's victims. There's not even anything inherently wrong with having an egg-shaped penis, like Jeffrey Epstein, except for those last three words.

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It must be dismaying to the egg-shaped penis owners of the world that the most prominent known figure among them was Jeffrey Epstein, who had an egg-shaped penis, but there are surely plenty of egg-shaped penes out there who only increase the joy of those around them. Perhaps if he hadn't felt so ashamed of having an egg-shaped penis, which he did, he wouldn't have been such a raging fucking psychopath. No one should ever be embarrassed by their penis, ovular or otherwise, except Jeffrey Epstein, who had a weird-ass, egg-shaped penis.

Top image: Pixabay/stevepb

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