Cracked Archive - News
Look, we get it. It takes at least a week to get through the mountain of voter literature that piles up in your mailbox.
Look, we get it. At this point in the election cycle, checking the news is just asking for a migraine.
Look, we get it. You can either get your Hillary Quinn costume done by Halloween or keep up with the news.
Keeping up with the news is like sweeping up after a parade made entirely out of elephants drinking espresso.
This election cycle has given us plenty, but dig deeper, and there are so, so, so, so many more times when Donald Trump has proven himself to be a festering wart on the genitals of America.
- By Carolyn Burke
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Some weeks the news cycle is like a runaway train made entirely out of clown cars.
While you're busy packing your bags for that shuttle to Mars, news happens.
Look, we get it. Once you find out that your patronus is a three-legged alley cat, it's hard to get motivated to check on the news.
Breitbart makes Fox News look like the BBC.
- By Jim Avery
It's getting so you can't check the news without your smart phone bursting into flames.
Running for president and then losing is the first step toward a life of soul-crushing misery and heartache.
- By Michael Hossey
Sure, you could keep up with the news. But then you'd miss the balls-to-the-wall action of Mark Hamill shaving his beard.
Keeping up with the news is like trying to play Whack-a-Mole with a spork.